A
female
age
30-35,
*hite_Lilly
writes:I have a male platonic friend, he's just like a brother in many ways and we've been like this for a long time.Some of my friends maintain that a male-female platonic friendship isn't even possible and that he actually fancies me. They will point out that he cooks for me, buys me chocolates on my birthday and when I'm feeling really down. He's just a really caring guy.I'm sure that he is not interested in anything else, but my friends keep referring to him as my boyfriend and so does my mum. My dad thinks the same and he says that if he is a genuine friend then I am incredibly lucky.My problem is that because so many people call him my boyfriend, it's making me hard to get an actual boyfriend because guys think I'm taken. Any advice? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Lalysos  +, writes (18 November 2013):
 I think that your major problem is that you care too much what other people think about you. Do you live in a village? That can make things worse.
I have a male friend (who is not even bad looking) for many years. When we've started hang out i heard rumors that we're dating. But after some time, people got used we're just friends. People just need time.
I also think that maybe is the main problem in your reaction on their teasing. Try to pretend that you don't care what your friends think. By the time they will get bored with teasing you.
And if someone is really attracted to you he would ask you if you're dating your friend. And he wouldn't listen to these rumors.
Good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2013): There's a difference between possibility and probability OP. Is it possible that he only wants to be platonic friends? Sure. Probable? Not very likely.
You're in denial if you can't see that he likes you more than a friend. He just isn't saying it. You need to stop keeping this guy's hopes up and stringing him along by telling him so if you're not interested.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2013): He's just a really caring guy eh? Does he buy his male friends chocolates when they're upset? Does he do romantic meals with them too?
OP other than there not being any sex he is pretty much your boyfriend and in that sense you have no real room for another guy anyway.
Sure it could be platonic but it sounds more like friendzone to me because people aren't that narrow minded that literally all your friends and family are somehow wrong and you're the only one that's right.
I certainly wouldn't date you seriously with that kind of competition sniffing around because regardless of whether you're platonic or not he's the person you'll measure me against and frankly if he does like you when I suspect he does then I have no chance with you because I'll have to impress him too and get him on my side. Which is impossible trust me.
That's assuming he doesn't become possessive and passive aggressive.
I can easily deal with gay best friends, or female best friends because there's no conflict of interest there. Even best guy friends who are completely platonic are territorial and that can get complicated.
No best friend likes to be usurped by a new relationship but most understand that your time with them will be limited somewhat as you develop the new one. Take away the friend dates and your need for his support and comfort, give those to a new guy in terms of a boyfriend and 9 times out of 10 that will get messy.
You see OP as a previous poster suggested 80% of these friendships, this close and with that level of emotional connection there is more. In my experience it's more than that. Most guys will see him as competition and rightly so because he kind of is.
Would you really be comfortable dating a guy whose best friend is a woman and they regularly spend alone time together to do what is essentially dating type stuff? You really think it would be easy falling in love with a guy when you know he's going to be running to another women from time to time to have his emotional needs met and will be visibly saddened because he misses the things he has to give up with her in order not to cross any boundaries?
I've been through it more than once with girls and even been the "platonic best friend". So I'm not being narrow minded here OP, I just know the score too well to know you're too big a risk, have too many ties for me. I mean you allow others to call him your boyfriend. No matter what you say that's nothing I would ever get involved with, they're joking? They're wrong? or maybe you're lying to me and want to cheat on him, maybe you're using him and know he likes you, how am I supposed to know what's going on?
OP he's a good friend to you so you're not going to ditch him. You have no reason why should either. But if he's not your boyfriend then you establish boundaries, you don't allow people to call him that and you keep him somewhat emotionally detached from you dating. If you like to play fight, sit on his lap, or are cuddle buddies that are affectionate then you can't do that kind of thing when you're dating someone. You have to be willing to let go of some of the things that make you so close in that sense when the time comes.
Now if you're like a lot of other women I've known with this kind of friend then the main reason you're not dating is because you're pretty much not that interested and you're getting your male companionship needs fulfilled by him. It's not hard to ask out a guy you like and most will probably say yes too, the fact you're not doing that suggests you're not in any hurry to date.
Don't worry about what other people think, just because they're probably right doesn't mean they definitely are. If neither of you have dated in all the time you've been this close then I bet they're right in some way, because you may not be technically dating but emotionally you're doing the next best thing.
The only thing you need to worry about is balance when you start to date, you can't blame a new guy for feeling like a third wheel when you already have a guy who fulfils your emotional needs, and in my experience you won't want to lose any of that. Worst case scenario and what I've had happen is that dating me was how they finally found out they had feelings for each other simmering underneath and lucky me to be the one who helped them figure that out, didn't hurt at all, I swear.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2013): Maybe the solution is to get your guy friend a girlfriend first. She will probably prevent him doing things like cooking for you and buying you chocolates. Or he might stop doing it so as not to draw her suspicions.
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