A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for 10 months. She is 28 and I'm 23. We moved in together about 3 months ago and we do everything together now. She has all these plans for her future about marriage and kids and all that stuff and I perhaps have less direction in my life. It's not that I don't want to do those things with her, in fact if I ever did do those things I would want to do them with her. It's just that I'm unsure about what I want in my life. My plans right now are to play poker professionally but I'm unable to play because of where we are living. I used to play all the time before we met and I have done very well. We are waiting for her and her parents to sell their house so we can move to a new town(not just for me but somewhere where everyone wants to live). We can't travel very easily either because she has a back injury and it hurts her to travel. I also have a health condition and it makes conventional jobs very difficult but poker is my dream and it just works so well for me.She has a problem with this because she wants to do all of these things within a certain time frame of 5 years or so, which is not unreasonable. I love being with her but it's unfair of me to stop her from fulfilling her dreams, because I'm uncertain if I want that or not. Should I know if I want to do these things with her now? Or am I just holding her back from accomplishing what she wants out of life because I'm selfish? Is there any hope of us staying together? How can we fix this situation? Any help would be appreciated, thanks.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (18 February 2011):
Hello again. That's a great idea.
You will definitely find that the more variety you add to your life - both individually, as well as your shared life - you will find that the ideas just flow.
After all, variety is the spice of life.
The more fun you have, the more creative you will both feel about life in general.
A good place to start (for both of you), is to make a list of all the things you like doing. You make your list and your girlfriend make her list. Just write down on paper, all the things you like and you have done before, and want to get back to, PLUS all the things you would like to try in future.
Keep adding things to your list as you think of them.
Then one by one - in your free time - start doing each one. Dedicate say 5 minutes at the least or even 15 minutes to 30 minutes, to one of them each day (depending on what it is), then do something else. The main thing is to spend "some" time on at least one of them every single day.
The idea is to get balance back into your live again (both of you), which will give your life and your girlfriend's, more purpose.
Once you gain some balance, you'll be surprised by how much happier and at peace you will feel. Nothing compares, believe me.
When you have balance - time seems to slow down, incredibly. You even find that you have all this spare time. You are not rushed, and you are never late for appointments, work etc. It's really quite amazing.
By "balance", I mean -
Doing all the things you have to do,
and Enough of the things you want to do - that are fun and bring you joy.
When you DO have balance in your life, you will know it. You will feel relaxed, at peace with the world, not in a hurry at all, and very very patient. Your whole outlook on life will change.
When you DO have this balance, that's also when great ideas about life and the future come to the fore.
Best wishes.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYea we both did post but that's because we don't want to break up and we are trying to see what advice people have for us..
secondly... that is good advice about having some sort of interest. We do enjoy doing things together but it is a good idea to have something to be interested in at the same time. We are going to see if we can come up with some sort of hobbies or interests so we are not so bored and it will give us a chance to think a bit better
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A
female
reader, LittleMissy  +, writes (13 February 2011):
So this is you as well right? http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-boyfriend-is-perpetually-undecided-and-has-no.htmlI find it hard to believe both of you posted on here with the same issue at the same time, just from different points of view!!
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (13 February 2011):
Hi there. Perhaps at 28 years old, she might be ready to settle down. You being ony 23 years old, you aren't quite ready for that just yet.
You really need to be honest with her about this.
Just encourage her to follow her dreams, and don't try to hold her back. Don't allow yourself to be pressured into something you are not ready for - marriage, kids, mortgage the works. You will know when that time comes for you.
It also sounds like you are together constantly, without any break. This can be stifling.
You both need to find ways to have some time out of the house just to give each other space. That's important.
To be a professional poker player, that means that sometimes you will win and sometimes you will lose. So how do you end up making a living out of it with that in mind? Is it very stable?
To really know whether that is what you want, first you need to look up on the internet, as much information as you can about working in that field. You might find that you hate it! For instance, you might find there is a lot of travel involved, so you might be away from home a lot. You want to go into it with your eyes wide open, knowing all the facts.
Perhaps while you are deciding about being a professional poker player, you could find some other things to occupy your time. Maybe you could start some hobbies.
The main thing is you need to find some interesting activities to put some fun back into your life. At the very least, it will be a distraction away from not having a plan.
Sometimes the more you try to think about what you want from your life, the more elusive it is to find.
Whereas, the more busy you are doing fun stuff and just enjoying life, some great ideas simply come to you when you least expect it.
Finding direction usually comes from the right side of the brain - the creative side. These great ideas come while you are busy "doing". They never come to you when you sitting still trying to think of something. It just doesn't happen that way at all.
So from now on, try to add as much variety into your life as possible - every single day.
Good luck.
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