Am I his rebound?

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Question - (10 February 2011)

5 Answers - (Newest, 10 February 2011)

A female age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Ive been seeing a guy for 3 months now, and when I met him he just got out of a 2 year relationship 1 or 2 months before. He ne'er talks about his past relationship and I think they broke up because he moved away for a new job. I inquired about what we were a month after we met and that's when he told me about the relationship and he said that with the new job and all hes not looking for a relationship. He txts me everyday and we see each other once a week. I'm starting to like him and am wondering is am I just a rebound for him or does he actually like me?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011):

OP when you hang out with other people do you talk about that stuff? Family, friends and other things about your life? Of course you do. Does that mean you're in a relationship with them or want a relationship with them? No it doesn't.

What I'm saying OP is that's normal conversation when getting to know someone it does not indicate anything other than having something to talk about.

Of course it's fun and easy, he's a nice person and everything is nice and casual at the moment, it just means you get on well as people, again it means nothing more than that.

OP you don't have to answer this to us, but ask these questions to yourself. How long was your longest relationship? When you had just gotten out of that were you in any way emotionally ready for a new one? If you have never been in relationship that lasted more than a year then let me tell you a 2 year relationship can take way longer than 3 months to get over, in fact 3 months is the bare minimum.

How long is the longest you were "seeing" someone before you made it official? Again if this is the first time you were seeing someone this length of time let me tell you, when there is interest in being with you and having real feelings for you then around about now is the time when things become official. There is no real rules to it I know, but three months and things are still "fun and easy" that means he has no intention of getting serious because he can't. If you were to ask him that he would tell you he's not ready, if you expect that to change you're going to be very disappointed. OP he still thinks about her day and night. She occupies the majority of what he thinks about still. You're nice to give him comfort and some affection but when he's alone at night OP it's her he's thinking about. That love you want from him, is still hers.

Because that's what happens when you don't stay single until you've properly gotten over your last relationship, instead of doing that he started seeing you. OP what you want he can't give, take it from someone who has been in your shoes more times than I care to remember but also been in his shoes once or twice too this will not work out the way you want it to, it simply cannot.

I'll tell you basically what happened when I was him I was just out of an 18 month relationship. I started seeing this new girl because I thought that would help me get over the pain of my last one, and you know what it eased it a little. Because I got from this new girl what I missed from my ex, but you see this new girl wasn't my ex. All the time I was with this new girl I was using her as a distraction, we had a lovely time. Things were nice and sweet, she worked well to take my mind off my ex but when I was alone then it was all about trying to deal with heartache of my last break up.

The thing is I made sure we never talked about relationships, neither us or my last one. You see I couldn't talk about my ex I was still heart broken and I didn't want that girl to see because I knew it wouldn't be a nice thing to do. Plus I liked this girl (or so I thought) and didn't want to mess that up. OP I was with her 5 months, I thought everything was peachy but for about 3 months in she was going through pain, because we never moved beyond the stage of "fun and easy". She was too afraid to bring up the topic of making it official or where I wanted to go with it because she was scared (and rightly so) that she was just a rebound. You see she didn't want to ruin her chance by bringing it up too soon, or pressuring me but the simple fact is she never had a chance in the first place. I was just out of a relationship. In that respect it would have been better if she had asked me sooner or said something sooner because the answer would have been the same.

You see things were so nice and I felt things were going really well so I never questioned whether there was anything more to it because she didn't ever ask me. But while I was fine with the situation she wasn't. So it all came to a head one night while we were drinking and she finally got the guts to ask me where she stands. That was the first time I seriously had to consider what was actually happening and I was ashamed of how I reacted, I was an absolute asshole and told her things were fine the way they were and why did she have to ruin it (bad I know)

But is exactly how it was, things were fine and as long as she never brought it up I never had to consider being serious with her but when it was brought up and I did? Then I realized what was happening and what I was doing, if I actually regretted anything in my past, which I don't, then that would have been one of the big ones. Because she was lovely and while I was busy using her to get over my ex thinking everything was fine her heart was breaking.

So you see OP, you don't stand a chance the way things are now with him. You are his rebound and you will eventually have to have to that talk with him and when you do, the result will be the same because seriously OP, it always is the same with rebounds. Even if he swears that's not the case and pleads with you not to go or that he needs more time. I'm afraid he'll put off being fully with you forever because he didn't allow himself the space nor the time to get over his last relationship.

Good luck OP, as a person who has been where you are, I know how it feels and it's horrible especially when things are going so well and you seem to be really suited to each other.