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female
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anonymous
writes: Some people say I'm oversensitive and make a big deal over things that don't mean much in the course of a long term relationship, so I just wnated to know what are some real issues to get upset over in a relationship and what are trivial ones I shouldn't waste my time and energy being angry about? My bf says I'm being oversensitive when I got angry at him for chatting online to a friend who happened to be a girl while talking to me on the phone...he's offered for me to meet her to show me there isn't anything going on, but I just wanted to know whether this was a real issue or something I shouldn't have freaked out about? I don't yell or scream at him but I do get oversensitive at some things and rightfully tell him so...am I being a shrew? Thanks Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2005): No, you aren't a shrew-a relationship is only as well-adjusted as the two participants, hun. You've gained feedback by listening to others who may have provided the wrong feedback about your behavior. To find out if you are "oversensitive' think about these questions-are you usually jealous of the attention your bf bestows on everyone else (mutual friends, family, siblings, the dog, the cat)? Do you get really defensive and angry when others or your bf playfully teases you? Can you not withstand constructive, helpful criticisms? If so, this is a big 'oversensitivity' problem because that comes from a weak sense of self; his attentions devoted to someone other than yourself becomes rejection for you and a prime pathway to depression. But judging from your letter, this really does not sound like you.
First of all, yourfeelings about his female online friendship is quite normal. If you are feeling upset, to the attention he pays to a girl online, whom you don't know or what their friendship encompasses, then yes-you have a "right' to tell him it bothers you. He has reassured you, there is nothing going on but you have to reassess your past history with this guy. Has he always been dependable, trustworthy and never did anything to you like cheating? If the answer is no, then you should be wary. Hun, most woman would wonder and feel the same way you do. There is nothing wrong with asking him, you want to meet this girl and judge for yourself. You are concerned but if he's ever done anything to gain your mistrust, then you should be worried. Only you know the answer to this. If the situation were reversed, wouldn't he be worried? What bothers me, is if he knows that you are upset about the ongoing relationship and continues the relationship with his online friend anyhow, this gives you an enormous amount of information about his character.
There are boundaries here that need to be drawn. You need to draw boundaries about the kind of connections you will permit in your relationship and he needs to learn to say goodbye to people that pose a threat to you and his happiness. It is time for you two to have a serious talk. I wish you good luck and stay strong.
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