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Dear Cupid > Forums > Cupid's Lounge > Spring

Spring

eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Spring Fever

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.

Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."

Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"

Posted on 20 March 2014 @ 14:58 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

Sign spotted outside a landscaping store:

"Spring is here!

I'm so excited

I wet my plants"

Posted on 21 March 2014 @ 17:41 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

What does the Easter Bunny get for making a basket?

Posted on 24 March 2014 @ 17:9 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

2 points! Unless it's a free throw, in which case it's just one point. :)

Posted on 25 March 2014 @ 3:44 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Tish Tish you little bracket buster you

Posted on 25 March 2014 @ 12:14 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an oyster?

Posted on 17 April 2014 @ 18:10 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

A bunny shellfish

A hopping shellfish

A hare shell

I have no earthly idea!

Posted on 18 April 2014 @ 2:16 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

The oyster bunny

Posted on 18 April 2014 @ 15:24 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

And Tish thanks for not bursting my bubble

Posted on 18 April 2014 @ 15:26 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

I'm glad I was able to keep you hoppy.

Posted on 18 April 2014 @ 15:52 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Am I the only one who doesn't get "Easter Monday" off?

Posted on 19 April 2014 @ 3:56 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Nope! :)

Posted on 19 April 2014 @ 21:56 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

=:)

bunny ears!

Posted on 19 April 2014 @ 22:54 (London time) - permalink
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So_Very_Confused, posted over a year ago

didn't get Good Friday or Easter Monday off...

Posted on 21 April 2014 @ 19:9 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

You are the IT person, put it on everyone's calendars next year!

Posted on 21 April 2014 @ 20:31 (London time) - permalink
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So_Very_Confused, posted over a year ago

OH if ONLY I could...

Posted on 22 April 2014 @ 17:55 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

You could try? See what happens? Heehee!

Posted on 24 April 2014 @ 5:17 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

In the spirit of next Sunday...

Why are computers so smart?

Posted on 7 May 2014 @ 21:12 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Mothers Day... and computers? I have no idea.

Posted on 8 May 2014 @ 11:10 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

They are so smart because they listen to their motherboards. okay don't say it...

Posted on 8 May 2014 @ 13:1 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

While assembling furniture, Liz asked her friend's six-year-old son, Ricky, to bring her a screwdriver.

'Do you want a 'Daddy' screwdriver or a 'Mummy' screwdriver?' Ricky politely inquired.

Confused by the question, Liz responded with, 'Bring me a 'Mummy' screwdriver.'

Ricky returned and handed her a butter knife.

Posted on 8 May 2014 @ 13:5 (London time) - permalink
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So_Very_Confused, posted over a year ago

we need a LIKE button...

Posted on 8 May 2014 @ 15:34 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Yes, we do. I thought the Mommy screwdriver was going to be in a tall glass with ice.

Posted on 8 May 2014 @ 20:11 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said," I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote the first son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Marvin," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Melvin," she wrote to her third son, "You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious."

Posted on 9 May 2014 @ 13:42 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Okay my jokes suck... Come on you useless Aunts & Uncles this is our playground

Posted on 8 June 2014 @ 2:48 (London time) - permalink
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Abella, posted over a year ago

The blonde collapsed, wailing, into the arms of the police office, ''Oh Officer, robbers have just stolen my diamond encrusted Swiss watch''

''Young lady why didn't you cry out or call Police, we could have stopped them,'' replied the police officer sternly.

''Do you think I'm stupid officer? Look, I've got gold teeth. I kept my mouth shut''

Posted on 8 June 2014 @ 5:34 (London time) - permalink
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Abella, posted over a year ago

what did the blonde call her new watch dogs?

Rolex and Timex, of course.

Posted on 8 June 2014 @ 5:35 (London time) - permalink
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Abella, posted over a year ago

What do you call it when a redhead has a melt down?:

A Ginger Snap

Posted on 8 June 2014 @ 5:47 (London time) - permalink
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Abella, posted over a year ago

Chocolate is nature's way of making up for Mondays.

Posted on 8 June 2014 @ 5:53 (London time) - permalink
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Abella, posted over a year ago

hi Eye'sWideOpen,

Looking forward to your superior jokes when you post next time.

Posted on 8 June 2014 @ 5:55 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

Sy comes home after his mother’s funeral to try to put the place in order.

He goes up to the attic to look around and finds an old trunk.

Looking in it, he discovers his father’s WWll uniform.

Sy tries it on and it’s a little tight on him.

Before taking it off, he puts his hand in the pocket and comes up with a ticket.

Looking at it, he finds a shoe repair ticket for Herman’s on West 53rd, dated January 14th, 1945.

He can barely believe it. An unclaimed ticket 61 years old.

Weeks later, Sy happens to be in the area of West 53rd and wanders over to see where the shoe repair was.

He can’t believe his good luck, the shoe repair store is still there.

He wanders in and tells the story of finding the ticket to the old shoemaker.

The man says his name is Herman and has owned the shop for 65 years.

“Gimme the ticket” says Herman and wanders to the back of the shop.

Sy is amazed.

What good fortune!

What a coincidence!

Only in America!

Herman comes back.

“I’ve still got your shoes. They’ll be done Friday!”

Posted on 8 June 2014 @ 18:41 (London time) - permalink
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Abella, posted over a year ago

Shopping

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "

No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

Posted on 10 June 2014 @ 5:10 (London time) - permalink
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Abella, posted over a year ago

Chicken anyone?

A woman walks into the butcher shop just before closing.

She says, "Thank Heavens I've made it in time! Have you any chicken?"

The butcher opens his fridge and takes out his only chicken, and plops it onto the scale. It weighs 2 1/2 pounds.

"Ah, haven't you anything bigger?" the woman inquires.

The butcher returns the chicken to the fridge, takes it out again, and plops it onto the scale, only this time, he keeps his finger on the chicken. The scale shows 3 1/4 pounds.

"Marvellous!" says the woman. "I'll have both of them please."

Posted on 10 June 2014 @ 5:16 (London time) - permalink
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Abella, posted over a year ago

Keep calm, Lucy

In the supermarket was a woman pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing girl.

As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies.

When the woman told she couldn't have any, the girl began to cry.

The woman kept repeating softly: "Don't get excited Lucy, don't scream Lucy, don't be upset Lucy, don't yell Lucy, keep calm Lucy."

A woman standing next to her said: "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Lucy!"

The mother replied: "I'm Lucy!”

Posted on 10 June 2014 @ 5:19 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

So a grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says "hey - we have a drink named after you!"

The Grasshopper replies "You have a drink named Murray?"

Posted on 11 June 2014 @ 16:36 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Ha ha I liked the Lucy and Murray jokes big time!

Posted on 11 June 2014 @ 17:20 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

Grandparents Stories...

She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, 'But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.' He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?'

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, 'Who was THAT?'

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: 'We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.' The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!'

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?' I mentally polished my halo while I asked, 'No, how are we alike?' 'You're both old,' he replied.

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. 'What's it about?' he asked. 'I don't know,' she replied. 'I can't read.'

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it as. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, 'Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!'

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, 'It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.'

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, 'Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.' The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. 'That's interesting,' she said, 'how do you make babies?' 'It's simple, ' replied the girl. 'You just change 'y' to 'I and add 'es'.'

Children's Logic: 'Give me a sentence about a public servant,' said a teacher. The small boy wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.' The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. 'Don't you know what pregnant means?' she asked. 'Sure,' said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child.'

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. 'They use him to keep crowds back,' said one child. 'No,' said another, 'he's just for good luck.' A third child brought the argument to a close. 'They use the dogs,' she said firmly, 'to find the fire hydrants

Posted on 12 June 2014 @ 21:16 (London time) - permalink
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Abella, posted over a year ago

Children can make one feel Soooooo old.

My eldest, who, at the time was then only four years old, asked me a serious question, - ''Mom, when you were a little girl did you have running water in your home?''

I was able to assure my (then) little one that I did not have to carry a bucket down to the nearest stream for water every day.

Posted on 15 June 2014 @ 8:28 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when

the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her

inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the tv.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

He said, 'I found the remote'.

Posted on 18 June 2014 @ 7:23 (London time) - permalink
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olderthandirt, posted over a year ago

Now that's funny I don't care who you are

Posted on 18 June 2014 @ 22:50 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

Q: What do monsters eat?

A: Things.

Q: What do monsters drink?

A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.)

Posted on 20 June 2014 @ 23:6 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Remote...hahahahahaha

Posted on 22 June 2014 @ 0:19 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a tip jar brimming with ten dollar bills. "What is up with that jar" he asked the bartender. "Well, if you can complete three tasks all that money is yours", he said. " What are these three tasks" asked the new guy. "First you must drink this entire bottle of pepper tequila without making a face, then there is a pit bull out back with a sore tooth your must remove, and finally there is an 90 year old woman upstairs who has never experienced an orgasm you must satisfy" replied the bartender. The new guy ordered a few whiskers then in s slurred voice said, "I'll do it give me the pepper tequila". The bartender did and the new guy drank it down with tears streaming down his cheeks but NOT making a face. "Okay, where's that damn dog?" The bartender took him out back. The patrons of the bar heard such barking, and screaming both canine and human that they were sure he had met his death but in a few moments the new guy came back into the bar, bleeding, torn clothes, and out of breathe said, "okay where is the old broad with the bad tooth?"

Posted on 22 June 2014 @ 0:40 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

WHY WOMEN MAKE THE BEST ASSASSINS

The CIA was seeking candidates to become agent assassins. They interviewed both men and women. After all the background checks, interviews and testing was done, there were three finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you'll find your wife sitting in a chair...kill her!!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

The CIA agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes. 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'You bastards! This gun was loaded with blanks!' she said. 'I had to kill him with the chair!'

Posted on 25 June 2014 @ 23:29 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Tish is on vacation, she's about to lap me on answers, I've got to get busy....

Posted on 29 June 2014 @ 14:18 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

I'm pretty sure forum posts don't get counted as answers so you'll have to find some OPs in need of your TLC.

Posted on 29 June 2014 @ 21:37 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

She's gonna be back any day now...

Posted on 2 July 2014 @ 19:38 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

Who is your REAL FRIEND?

This really works...!

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an

hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

Posted on 4 July 2014 @ 0:21 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Hahaha

Posted on 4 July 2014 @ 17:24 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

An old woman decided she had seen it all and done it all so she figured she was ready to end this life and go onto another. She did some research and decided that she would shoot herself in her heart. She figured she should call her doctor to find the exact location of the heart. He told her it was located 3 inches below the left nipple. So she shot herself in the left knee.

Posted on 4 July 2014 @ 17:32 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

Ouch!

Posted on 7 July 2014 @ 0:49 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Great jokes....

I'm baaa-aaaack! ;)

How did you manage without me for those 2 weeks? EWO, I trust you took the time to post some answers? :?

Posted on 9 July 2014 @ 0:0 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

She's back AND rested...

Posted on 9 July 2014 @ 10:46 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

... so watch out!

Posted on 9 July 2014 @ 22:0 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Tish Tish you lapped me!

Posted on 13 July 2014 @ 13:50 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Have you been slacking? ;)

Posted on 13 July 2014 @ 17:37 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Of course...duh been doing it since 2005 and ain't gonna change unless maybe Irish finally invites us to that spit roast BBQ we've been promised for years...you know Canada is lovely this time of year...has some good beer too

Posted on 15 July 2014 @ 1:17 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

That's true. Road trip?

Posted on 15 July 2014 @ 20:58 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Count me in and you are probably ready for a vacation so screw Irish if she doesn't invite us, we'll just show up at her door. Who else is game?

Posted on 16 July 2014 @ 14:45 (London time) - permalink
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Anonymous 123, posted over a year ago

I'm jumping into this thread!

So an old couple are vacationing in Israel…

The wife dies quietly in her sleep, the next day the man goes to the grave digger to make the necessary arrangements.

The grave digger says “I can bury her here for $500 or have her shipped back home with you for $1000.”

The man briefly considers his options and opts for her to be shipped home.

The grave digger is stunned “Why pay so much to have her sent back when she could be buried in the Holy Land?”

The man gets very close and whispers “A long time ago a man was buried here and three days later he came back, I cant take that chance with her.”

Posted on 16 July 2014 @ 18:17 (London time) - permalink
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Anonymous 123, posted over a year ago

And just couldn't resist this one...

What is the difference between Snow White and Brazil?

Snow White had the excuse of being asleep before letting seven in.

Posted on 16 July 2014 @ 18:19 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

haha you can come with us to Canada!

Posted on 16 July 2014 @ 19:24 (London time) - permalink
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Anonymous 123, posted over a year ago

Count me in!

Posted on 16 July 2014 @ 19:26 (London time) - permalink
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Anonymous 123, posted over a year ago

And one more before we hit the road...

A little boy went running into his grandfather’s hospital room.

Excited, he shrieked, “Grandpa! Make a noise like a frog!”

The grandpa replies, “Why?”

Still excited, the little boy replies, “Because Grandma says that as soon as you croak, we’re going to Disneyland!”

Posted on 16 July 2014 @ 19:29 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

I got me a Chrysler, it seats about 20

So come on and bring your jukebox money!

Posted on 16 July 2014 @ 22:5 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted over a year ago

I live on the other side of Irish from you so I'll just have to meet you there. Won't she be surprised. :)

Posted on 18 July 2014 @ 3:49 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

She can run but she cannot hide

Posted on 18 July 2014 @ 14:21 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

When do we leave?

Posted on 24 July 2014 @ 18:15 (London time) - permalink
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Anonymous 123, posted over a year ago

Can we leave as soon as possible? I have my PhD viva on Monday and the sooner I cross the border, the better it is. Anything to not face it!

Posted on 26 July 2014 @ 10:1 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

I've got the DC Manual all packed so I'm good to go...does anyone know where the heck the she lives? Canada is kinda large and it has wilderness. Can the Chrysler withstand a bear attack?

Posted on 29 July 2014 @ 14:29 (London time) - permalink
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