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Why? All my life people have taken an instant dislike towards me and I don't know why. What needs to change?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Family, Friends, Health, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 September 2016) 9 Answers - (Newest, 10 September 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

All through my life I have struggled getting people to like me, people take an instant dislike to me and I don't know why.

I'm not rude, I'm polite, I can be painfully shy at times and I think people mistake this as being rude or stuck up.

Been with my man for a few years, we have a child together, but his family have taken a big disliking towards me, especially his sister.

I try and make the effort in getting to know them better as I never bothered before but now I'm trying to get along with them as it's important, but I can just tell they don't like me at all.

It's upsetting for me because I don't even know what I'm doing wrong, I keep thinking what is wrong with me.

I just want to be accepted by people, especially his family but the way his sister talks to me I can tell she really don't like me one bit.

When she talks to me it feels like she's interviewing me, not actually being a friend. They get along with all the other girls who are in the family.

I'm feeling very down about it, it feels like sometimes they look down on me, or maybe this is all in my head and I'm just being paranoid.

What can I do for people to like me? What am I doing wrong?

View related questions: shy

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A female reader, llifton United States +, writes (10 September 2016):

llifton agony auntWell that does clarify things a bit. It does sound like you've made a bit of an effort with them.

Some people are just hard to get to know. They may be particularly catty and sometimes, families can be quite judgmental of their siblings or child's significant other. It sounds like you are dealing with catty women.

You say you get along with the men just fine. So that's a step in the right direction. You can't make them like you. Sometimes people just don't like you no matter how hard you try. If this is the case, the only thing you can do is take it with a grain of salt and don't take it personally.

Some people do make friends much easier than others. And one main trait those people all share in common is self confidence. They aren't afraid to talk to someone new. Being painfully shy certainly doesn't help your cause. Because as has been stated a few times already - being really shy can easily be misconstrued as being conceited. Perhaps that is why they don't seem to like you. Maybe they just misunderstand you.

Either way, you should try to over-come this shyness. I know it's tough, but really, most people are genuinely nice. If you talk to them, they will talk back and interact with you. I never meet a stranger and chat with just about anyone. Hell, I could talk to a brick wall. Sometimes you've just gotta step outside of your comfort zone. Good luck.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2016):

It's not like it's all of a sudden important now, when i first met them I went above and beyond to make the effort, I always invited them to important dates of our child such as birthday parties, Christmas plays, sports days, I have always included them in occasions or invited them round for tea etc but they never showed up and there was always excuses for a few years so then after that I gave up asking because the answer was always no. So that's why after that I gave up asking. And I have always been nice to them, I ask them questions when they talk so they know that I'm listening and am interested, i smile at them and am always polite, not rude towards them at all.I am very much a sincere person, me and my partner both agreed that for now on we are going to make an effort with our families as in the future he would like to ask me to marry him so before we take that step we feel it's important to all get along with each other first. The males in his family all get along with me fine,but the females don't, even though it's the females I make a big effort for as I would love to get along with the girls. I have lots of other girl mates I hang out with and we all get along great, they say how nice I am and funny but somehow the women in his family don't see that in me.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (7 September 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntYou say you are shy but this can come across as being stuck up and not wanting to talk to them. You say you never made much off an effort either, so my guess is that it is a two way street. I would ask her does she have a problem and tell her you would like to get to know her better.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (7 September 2016):

CindyCares agony auntllifton makes an excellent point : if you have been with this guy since a few years, and you have known his family since a few years , and you never bothered being social or making a good impression so far, and now all of a sudden you have decided that's important that you all be buddy- buddy and get along great, and NOW , after years, you start tryng making yourself likeable,... it may be too little too late. In fact, they might even be suspicious of your new found niceness and think that you have a hidden agenda. And annoyed that being friendly and social has to happen according to YOUR convenience.

Not that you cannot change that, with patience, persistence , a lot of smiles and showing some genuine interest . But next time you want to be on someone's good side, start at once , not after years.

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A female reader, llifton United States +, writes (6 September 2016):

llifton agony auntYou said: "I try and make the effort in getting to know them better as I never bothered before but now I'm trying to get along with them as it's important, but I can just tell they don't like me at all."

If somebody never cared about getting to know me before because they couldn't be bothered to take the time, but then randomly decided they had to get along with me now all of a sudden, I would probably not like them very much either. People see through that. It probably doesn't seem sincere.

Why was it not important to you then but all of a sudden it is now?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2016):

Sometimes in life you just have to stop trying so hard to please everyone. It's not your responsibility to make people like you. Could you be imaginating these thoughts. Sometimes it's hard to talk to someone who you don't know really well and doesn't give you much to work with, hence the feeling you are being interviewed. Try not to try too hard to be accepted,just show interest in them and what they do. Keep them taking about themselves....people love talking about themselves.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2016):

Shyness can sometimes be misconstrued as being stuck-up. It is also very annoying coming from adults. When you try to carry on a conversation with a person who barely responds, or hides to avoid contact with other people. It's hard to be nice to someone who behaves like they're scared of you. Everyone is a little shy in different ways. As adults, we work to overcome it.

I think your boyfriend's family dislikes you because they probably had hoped he'd find a wife before starting a family. People can be unfairly judgemental.

If an unplanned pregnancy produced a child, they may see you as just a female who tried to trap him with a kid. They may be old-school or traditional in their approach to marriage and having children. Differences in religion, financial class, race, and values may also be factors.

Being shy also comes across as rejection; if in the beginning they've tried very hard to be friendly with you.

I sense there's a lot not being told here. Missing details and not knowing you, can only leave it to speculation why people don't like.

If people don't like you in general, perhaps it's your reaction to strangers. People trying to be friendly don't like being treated like they're crazy or some kind of threat just because you don't know them. If you're bashful and retreat into yourself when people approach you; it is embarrassing to people to feel like they frighten or intimidate you when they are normally friendly and likable people. Going out of your way to be friendly and not being well-received is also offensive to some people.

Shy people lack interactive and communicative-skills; so they don't make social connections very well. You have to overcome the impulse to withdraw from people and extend warmness to make them feel welcome to approach you. You have to have a reason to be afraid of people.

Shyness can be easily accepted as part of your personality; if eventually you warm-up to people. They start to realize that's your way. More outgoing people have less patience with shy people. Some may even think there's something wrong with you. Anyone will give-up on trying to be friendly, if you remain "painfully shy" in spite of all efforts to get closer to you.

Grown-ups who can't overcome their shyness should seek professional-counseling. Once you're no longer a child, you should have the ability to comfortably socialize with other adults on different levels and under a variety of circumstances. Social connections are necessary for the well-being of all human beings. You'll tend to hold your boyfriend all to yourself; and avoid being around other people, if you are uncomfortable in groups or with strangers.

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A male reader, Myau New Zealand +, writes (6 September 2016):

Myau agony auntWell I tend to make friends easily so I will try and help.

I guess my secret is that I smile and listen. I don't tend to share opinions with people till I'm comfortable with them.

Sharing an interest is also great and will help you out with your partners family. Just be easy going and see what happenes.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2016):

It sounds like it's just your boyfriends sister who your having issues with. Have you ever sat down and talked to her to ask her if she has problem with you? Or maybe ask your boyfriend to talk to her if your shy and feel you can't confront her.

Maybe it's her personality and she doesn't mean to

Come across like that, my fiancés parents never make a fuss of me or ask me questions about my life or my family but I know they like me I just let it go over my head, they make more of a fuss of mine and my fiancés dog lol

It's not fair that you feel that way she's the aunty of your child and there shouldn't be any bad feeling

As for other people stuff them! Peoples opinions should only matter to you if you actually care about them as a person

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