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How can I stop ruining every prospective relationship with anxiety?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Health, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 September 2016) 3 Answers - (Newest, 7 September 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, *ophiebrown94 writes:

I have been single for nearly a year now. In that time through one reason or another I have spoken to and got to know 3 different men (romantically) that I have began to like.

It always starts off well in that they are attracted to me, we have a great conversation and got on really well, we meet up a couple of times and things are fine - i'm full of confidence.

But, every single time without fail, when the penny drops that I start to like them (i.e. I start getting even slight feelings) that's when everything starts to go wrong.

I suffer with anxiety which makes it worse but as soon as I get to the degree where feelings start it all goes terrible. I think I start to overanalyse what they send me in messages (on my phone) and suspect they are going off me.

I just automatically anticipate failure and that they will stop liking me or being interested. I know this is in my head but I feel it impossible to stop.

For the last month I have been getting to know and meeting up with a very nice man. He has been absolutely lovely to me and really keen and we have done a lot together.

However, last week I realised that I was starting to get feelings and the same thing has started happening.

I have been trying so hard to hide this as I don't want it to ruin another prospective relationship with someone I am well matched too.

Nerves and anxiety consume me and I think negatively about everything.

Please help.

What can I do about this?

View related questions: confidence

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2016):

Until your anxiety issues are treated and under control; you're going to repeat the same behavior. You're not ready for a relationship; and you seem to attach feelings too easily.

I'm sorry dear, but you're in need of professional therapy. It may take awhile in treatment, before you're ready for anything serious.

You want an immediate romance to happen. You want a boyfriend so bad you don't allow time for his feelings to connect. You just meet a guy, and you're off and running. You're expecting a guy to deal with your anxiety disorder and spend most of his time trying to figure-out what's wrong with you. That isn't fair to you, nor to some really nice guy. It's got to be an even match.

Get some help first. You can't do it by yourself.

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A male reader, Myau New Zealand +, writes (6 September 2016):

Myau agony auntI cant help but think that you might just need some time to get your head straight.

Maybe take a break from men for a month or two and just develop some new interests.

For anxiety and low self esteem. I usually recommend trying something creative so that you will have a sense of acomplishment.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (6 September 2016):

Honeypie agony auntDeal with your anxiety issue first. Right now you may not be "fit" mentally to be dating and thus you self-sabotage the budding relationships over and over.

Get help, deal with it. THEN consider dating.

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