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White lies, half-truths, minor deceptions...are they bad signs or just normal human behavior?

Tagged as: Dating, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 May 2014) 5 Answers - (Newest, 7 May 2014)
A male United States age 51-59, anonymous writes:

Are small half-truths or deceptions insignificant or significant in a relationship?

I have been in a relationship for a couple of years with a woman who is different from any others I have ever known. She is very outgoing, very social, and a lot of people are drawn to her. I have a bit of anxiety sometimes because some men perceive her personality as being flirting but I truly know it is just how she is. She will turn and talk to a complete stranger at a bar about something she overheard or something they're wearing, whatever. I have become more comfortable with that over time (it was this quality that first drew me to her myself) but it's still scary at times.

To complicate that insecurity when it arises, she is a court reporter and works with attorneys every day. Of course, before and after their jobs they always want to have lunch or a drink, or whatever. Since those are her clients she entertains them by having a lunch or a happy hour drink with those who ask. She doesn't get drunk with them, doesn't stay out, and almost always tells me who she is with and where they are.

However, I have known on several occasions that she finished a job early and the attorney and she went for a drink and she wouldn't mention that part (just leaving me to believe they were working the whole time) or sometimes she will say she is going to take a deposition at a certain time but she will actually be meeting the attorney early for lunch or a drink and THEN going to do the work. I have never said anything about this stuff because I don't want to seem totally insecure but I know it happens (I've seen receipts, I've had people tell me they saw her at some place, and I even called one time and she admitted she was somewhere different than she said she was going to be but just said the flow of events changed and she hadn't had time to tell me).

I am not concerned that she is cheating on me, I truly believe she is not. I do have some insecurity that faced with the right, charming, handsome, and powerful attorney she might be interested in cheating although she has done nothing to really cause that, it's my own insecurity.

So my question is, if she occasionally doesn't tell me who she is with or where she is and knows she is sort of misleading me by omitting details, or something similar, should I be concerned about her character or is that something I should consider none of my business for the most part anyway?

P.S.: Before anyone says it, I am not controlling. She does not know I know some of these things and I do not confront her about these things because I don't want to sound insecure or controlling. As a couple, we generally communicate our whereabouts and what we're doing all the time, it's just how we are. So she doesn't "have" to tell me anything, we just normally do that. I think that's why when she doesn't tell me something and I find out it makes me suspicious.

View related questions: drunk, flirt, insecure

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (7 May 2014):

So_Very_Confused agony auntI agree with those that say this is not lies.

She's not sneaking around or lying to you... and yes sometimes plans change at the last minute.

I think this issue is your own insecurity more than anything.

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A female reader, Atsweet1 United States +, writes (7 May 2014):

Atsweet1 agony auntBig time insecurities I understand it too. I think we know when we are being lied to and just told whatever. Im not comfortable with explaining every detail every move. I dont want who Im with to do that either. If I ask its cause Im being nosy. If I dont ask you are where you say you are or where your suppose to be if not it will come out. Also you know talking is a lawyer best subject. So it could be anything with liberations concerning where abouts and whats going on. i some timee find myself not being exact about my exact location cause I be on the move different locations running different errands and what not. I might change my mind about where Im going and who Im going with. I have a friend he is always busy here there different stories some true most lie but they say whats done in the dark will come to light. I rather not say nothing than to be throwing out lies misinformation and.what not let me tell you where I am dont be watch dogging me Im not married yet. I didnt even.get tracked like that when I was married. Need to clarify what type of relationship you have is it open or more exclusive and serious that will explain why you feel the way you do like shes up to something.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2014):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks, Honeypie and Anonymous, both of your answers were very helpful, especially when I consider both of your viewpoints at once.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (6 May 2014):

Honeypie agony auntMaybe it's just me but I don't think you (general you, not you OP specifically) should NEED to know where you partner is 24/7 - every minute of the day.

IF you trust your partner, she/he should be able to GO about their part of their lives without having to REPORT to the partner where they are, who they see, and what they do constantly.

MAYBE it's just me.

I don't think a couple HAVE to have their whole lives revolve totally around their partner. More like two spheres that overlap.

Now if there is a change in schedule, you were supposed to met at 6 pm and she is working late, then yes calling and letting you know what's up is vital. Now if she CHOOSES to go out for drinks rather then be on time, I'd have a problem.

If she LIES about it, then it's a problem. My guess is that even if you are trying to sound like it's no a big deal, she have sensed in you that it is. Maybe by how you have reacted in the past?

Maybe she just doesn't think it's THAT important they you need to know they play-by-play.?

Maybe because she has done this for a LONG time before she met you, it's partially ingrained?

THESE are YOUR insecurities. YOU need to find a way to deal with them.

Instead of feeling like YOU are doing something wrong (by not liking lies and omissions) why not TALK to her?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2014):

I don't see any half truths or deception in what you have told here. I can see that you didn't know all the details, in fine detail, but the extra details are insignificant. The lunch/drinks etc, are part of the job. When your gf tells you what she is doing, a brief description takes enough time as it is, without going into greater detail.

She sounds like a great partner. Believe in her integrity and honesty, and enjoy your relationship. Charming, handsome powerful attorney doesn't exist for her.... it won't happen.

More likely though, your insecurity will be seen and she could loose attraction, so it is good you have kept these thoughts to yourself. Work on them, build up your self esteem. Remind yourself of all YOUR charming, handsome, intelligent, qualities.

Deception and half truths are NOT ok in a relationship. But from what you have written, it sounds very normal to me.

Often lunching/drinking with clients is part of the job, especially in the legal industry, It would be very annoying to have to report to one's partner everytime one was about to lunch/drink with a client.

She has not given you any reason to be concerned. How you feel is quite common, so don't worry too much. Just try to remove those wasted negative feelings and enjoy the relationship.

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