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Tired of being a bank

Tagged as: Long distance, Online dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 November 2023) 5 Answers - (Newest, 18 November 2023)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:


So, I met someone online. We chatted for about 7 months before I went to visit him. He was going to come to see me, but his visa was declined.

Before I first met him, he would ask for money. Usually, it is about 300 or 400 monthly. I sent him 3 or 4 times before meeting. He always had some money issues. I should state we are the same age,no children. I should also state he's from Nigeria. Yes, many scams there.

I have been to visit him about 4 times so far. With my money and me paying for everything when I'm there, including his friends hotel room. He said it's better incase someone tries robbing me, to have his friends around.

He has mentioned it's very difficult to find employment there and if you do, it's basically at a poverty level.

Since we meet a couple of years ago he has asked for money for food, data, clothes etc. As much as I enjoy helping the less fortunate, I still feel used. He has a big family and tells me they rely on him for financial support. I like him , I'm not in love with him. I'm also tired of being a bank. I have told my close friends and they feel like he could very well be taking advantage of my kindness.


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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (18 November 2023):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntSweetheart, listen to your friends. They are trying to look out for you. Of course he is using you. These scammers tend to have a few sugar mummies on the go at the same time, keeping them - and their friends and families - in the style to which they have become accustomed. He is most likely earning more money in this way than you are in a legitimate job. Probably WAY more money.

I wonder why you think this is all you are worth? Perhaps that is a good starting point?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2023):

Wow snap out of it lady. Can you not see you are being used I cannot believe a grown woman would fall this type of scam. You actually paid for his friends hotel room wow!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2023):

I really wish that naive women like you would wake up and get real! He wants your money not you. You also fail to see what is obvious to me.... what use is he to you if he is forever needing hand outs to get by? Surely a worthy husband or boyfriend pays his way and is able to help you as much as you help him? If you met someone in your own country, a local man who was unemployed and unemployable you would run a mile (if you have a brain) so why is it ok if the person lives further away. The whole idea of a boyfriend or husband is someone you can share the future with and be equals to, not someone who is only with you for your money. What would happen if you got pregnant and you were the only breadwinner, he would not pay the bills. What would happen if you got together to rent or buy a property. You would be paying the whole lot. That means that in forty years or so time you have kept him for decades and you cannot retire and relax. You must be desperate for a man's company if you pay for it. Because this is what is happening. You are paying for his time. To him this is a paid job. He does not need a real proper job if he has a woman like you paying for him. He just tells you what you want to hear and strings you along. For more free advice on how to avoid romance scams/liars/users come to

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (17 November 2023):

Honeypie agony auntSounds like a Nigerian romance scam. (google it)

He is just using you. Part for "telling you" how much he cares about you, he is just keeping you sweet so you will send money.

You ARE being taken advantage off. Because you LET him.

Be HONEST with yourself, do you even SEE this "relationship" going anywhere YOU want to go in the long run?

Wish him well, cut contact, BLOCK him on everything and move on.

And NEXT time you think about dating, find someone geographically closer to you, so you can meet them in person. And IF they ask for money, say no. It's OK!

You can do better than this.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2023):

You don't want to be a bank?

Then stop acting like one.

The truth is, and you know it, he would have dropped you like a stone, if you weren't coughing up money when he needs it.

Who's to say that you are not just one of a few cash cows he has?

What are you getting out of it?

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