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I just want peace not drama

Tagged as: Family, Social Media<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 November 2023) 3 Answers - (Newest, 18 November 2023)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

This will be a bit long winded so I apologise in advance

I (female 36) was contacted a few months ago by my estranged sister (41) on social media. I will admit I felt my anxiety spike when I saw a message from her.

We have always had a rocky relationship, we had a very toxic mother who always seemed to put us against each other and triangulate a lot which led to a few estrangements. We didn't speak from when I was 18 til I was 27. This coming back together made us realise a lot of our mothers lies, very hurtful ones which we both had the proofs for and we decided without an apology from her for these disgusting things we couldn't talk to her anymore.

It's been hard, I've gone through therapy, I've had times where I felt alone and struggled with my emotions, had drinking problems that I fought in secret, trying to numb the thoughts of why my mother had done and a lot of the things she had. In 2021 my 7 year relationship broke down, through fault of both me and my partner, he did some shocking things and I in return did some things in anger. I kept my relationship problems to myself until one day everything just errupted.

I told my sister and she stopped talking to me until the contact a few months ago. She put the blame on me of my relationship break down. But I didn't want to open up as she was always the type to say toughen up and didn't show much care of sympathy for anyone else's issues.

My issue now is, I opened the message through curiosity and I felt bad to not respond. So I did. She told me our mother had contacted her and that she had turned abusive towards my sister. So she said she will definitely never talk to her ever again. I think she contacted to try and have a bit of support of someone who knows what our mother is like. The problem is my sister reminds me of my mum and it opened old wounds that I thought had healed. I live a quiet life these days after bad experiences with people I find it easier to get caught up in my work and hobbies. I have few friends, a small amount whom I trust, I just prefer it this way. My sister hasn't changed and on the few phone calls we've had recently she whinged and complained about her friends, coworkers and neighbours. She sounds angry about life while constantly saying she's a haopy, positive person.

After years of silence I have learned to enjoy it and crave having it back. I don't know how to be grown up and respectful about how I feel, I've found myself just going silent or reiterating how I keep myself to nyself in the hope she'll get the hint. I know that's not right but what can I say? She is extremely easy to upset and that makes me uncomfortable. Any help would be greatly appreciated. I just want my peace back

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2023):

"we had a very toxic mother who always seemed to put us against each other and triangulate a lot"

There are key terms you use there that indicate that you have some idea of the 'monster' that you're dealing with.

You might want to pay some attention to, in the first place, what kind of impact the toxicity of your mother's nature has had on your sister and you *throughout* your upbringing, and the fact that during your crucial formative years, that was *all* you've known.

You might want to consider what this has caused you to miss out on, in terms of relationships with other human beings, and in fact, the very lens that you see other human beings through.

To understand something is to be liberated from it. So, understand your mother's nature, and question the true impact it has been in a position to have on your own nature. That would already be quite a positive step to allowing the peace that you seek to come from within yourself.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (17 November 2023):

Honeypie agony auntRemember this,

YOU do not OWE your mom or your sister ANYTHING. Not contact, not sympathy, not an ear to whine at. Nothing.

If you feel life is BETTER (for you) without your sister, I would be honest with her and let her know that you don't want to re-establish contact. You (again) DO NOT owe her an explanation either.

She might get upset, but that is for HER to deal with.

If she DOES NOT add positively to your life, you DO NOT have to keep her in it.

It might be hard to do this. But, YOU get to choose who you want in your life. And who you don't!

OP, you DESERVE peace and quiet and a drama free life.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2023):

There's a reason why you two keep falling out.

You feel great when you're not in contact with her.

You don't trust her. So when she said that it's your fault your relationship broke down, you saw it as her trying to hurt you, which she probably did.

I speak from experience, ask yourself when do you feel better with or without her in your life. If it's the latter cut all ties.

You are BOTH damaged.

When you are together it's even worse.

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