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Falling in love unintentionally to my best friend's boyfriend. Title (e.g. My

Tagged as: Dating, Friends<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 March 2024) 4 Answers - (Newest, 30 March 2024)
A female age 30-35, *' de Vhil writes:

It's hard to put into words the mess of emotions swirling inside me lately. I've found myself caught in a whirlwind of feelings I never expected to have, all because of my best friend's boyfriend.

It started innocently enough. When I first met him, there was a connection, a spark that I couldn't quite ignore. But I brushed it off, thinking nothing of it, especially since I barely knew him at the time.

Months passed, and my best friend and the guy officially became a couple. Initially, everything seemed fine. He was shy at first, barely saying a word when we hung out with our friends. But over time, he opened up and started to fit in seamlessly with our group.

What really threw me off guard was how he started treating me. It was as if I was someone special to him, like I was more than just a friend. My best friend even joked about me being their "third party," but I never thought much of it, just laughed it off.

But then his behavior towards me changed. It became more intimate, more personal. And before I knew it, I was dreaming about him, missing him when he wasn't around. That's when it hit me—I had fallen for him.

I tried to ignore these feelings, to push them down and pretend they didn't exist. But the more I tried to suppress them, the more they consumed me. It's like fate keeps pushing us together, no matter how hard I try to stay away.

Now, his actions towards me are even more confusing. I don't know if it's all in my head or if there's something more there. All I know is that I never intended for any of this to happen. I never wanted to fall for my best friend's boyfriend.

But here I am, teetering on the edge of an existential crisis, unsure of what to do next. It's brought chaos into my life, but there's also a strange thrill to it all. I just hope I can find a way to make sense of these feelings and find some peace amidst the storm.

Until next time,

Dear Diary,

It's hard to put into words the mess of emotions swirling inside me lately. I've found myself caught in a whirlwind of feelings I never expected to have, all because of my best friend's boyfriend.

It started innocently enough. When I first met him, there was a connection, a spark that I couldn't quite ignore. But I brushed it off, thinking nothing of it, especially since I barely knew him at the time.

Months passed, and my best friend and the guy officially became a couple. Initially, everything seemed fine. He was shy at first, barely saying a word when we hung out with our friends. But over time, he opened up and started to fit in seamlessly with our group.

What really threw me off guard was how he started treating me. It was as if I was someone special to him, like I was more than just a friend. My best friend even joked about me being their "third party," but I never thought much of it, just laughed it off.

But then his behavior towards me changed. It became more intimate, more personal. And before I knew it, I was dreaming about him, missing him when he wasn't around. That's when it hit me—I had fallen for him.

I tried to ignore these feelings, to push them down and pretend they didn't exist. But the more I tried to suppress them, the more they consumed me. It's like fate keeps pushing us together, no matter how hard I try to stay away.

Now, his actions towards me are even more confusing. I don't know if it's all in my head or if there's something more there. All I know is that I never intended for any of this to happen. I never wanted to fall for my best friend's boyfriend.

But here I am, teetering on the edge of an existential crisis, unsure of what to do next. It's brought chaos into my life, but there's also a strange thrill to it all. I just hope I can find a way to make sense of these feelings and find some peace amidst the storm.

View related questions: best friend, shy, spark

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (30 March 2024):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntYou can't stop your feelings but you CAN stop yourself acting on them. You CAN distance yourself from this guy, until such time as you manage to get a grip of your emotions.

Put yourself in your best friend's shoes. How would you feel if she was getting close to someone YOU were dating? As best friends, you are supposed to have each other's backs.

Maybe it's time to broaden your horizons where friends are concerned and spend less time with this particular group? You never know; you might just meet someone available who will make you feel so special you will forget about your best friend's boyfriend.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2024):

You know what you should do and you didn't need to seek advice here. But You love reliving your "head-movie" by writing about it, talking about it...

My ex-best-friend (and there's a reason she's an ex) could have written your post, and in a way she had been doing that for years and years.

The reason she's an ex-friend is simple. She's a narcissist. In her book the ends justify all means, and I mean ALL. Your story reminds me of her a lot.

I won’t go into details, I’ll just let you know that the reason she’s an « ex best-childhood-friend » is not because any of my bfs or my husband were interested in her (or she in them). After over 30 years of friendship, I just had enough of her self-centered behavior. Many people had left her before I did, because for some reason I did care for her and we shared history. But at some point, I got tired of the same old song she was singing. Her feelings and needs were her only reality AND priority over everything and everyone. In the end even over her own kid.

I’m not here to judge you. I’m here to tell you that if you really want to the right thing and stop indulging yourself, there is a way. Multitudes of them, actually ?? I know it’s hard (read bellow), but it works.

First of all let me remind you that even though we cannot control completely when our emotions will appear and disappear, we can control our thoughts AND our actions, which, in a closed loop feed our emotions.

To put it simply, you realize that you like a guy, the more you allow yourself to think about him in that way and do anything that’s related to him (go and see him, stalk him on social media, talk about him with other people…), the more you feed the emotions.

As the strength of the emotions grows (because you feed it), the more difficult it gets to stop thinking and acting properly AND thinking reasonably about the person and the situation. People who are prone to obsessions start obsessing with those they are interested in and justifying their emotions as “it is meant to be”, “they treat me as if I were special”…

If a free guy were to come and sweep you off your feet you would forget about your best-friend’s boyfriend in a split second. Trouble is, you are lonely and you are bored and you want to feel alive again on that front. And you can! Just not with this fantasy.

What worries me is that this is not only selfish, but also unhealthy for you! There are two possible things (not three and I’ll tell you why): he’s either enjoying YOUR attention and stringing you along or he’s just being nice and you’re making all this into something that this isn’t.

The third option, you’re going for, is that he’s into you. He’s not. If he were, he would have been all over you. When they’re in love (and in lust) most men don’t care about the consequences (and the people they supposedly care about). It’s usually us, women, who have to decide to do the right thing in such situations. Really great men find a way to let you know how much they admire you and how much they are attracted to you if possible in an appropriate way.

Until about 8 months ago, for over two years, I had feelings for a man. Very, VERY strong feelings and I knew they were reciprocated. I did absolutely nothing. Why? Because I was married (still am btw) and we worke dtogether. I couldn’t control the fact that I liked him and that I was attracted to him. At the beginning I couldn’t control thinking about him. The only thing I could control, and I did, was the way I acted. I never ever sought his company, called him, contacted him on social media, talked about him with anyone else. However, I knew how he felt because without anything to gain, he told me about what he thought about me and his feelings for me. We used to be a part of a team and we ALL got to know each other pretty well. But neither he nor I did anything inappropriate. I was going through a rough patch at work (unrelated to him) and I had to take some drastic measures. I quit my job and that’s when he, to encourage me to press on, decided to open up about his feelings and how great he thought I was. I still am forever grateful to him for that, because he did it to really help me, not because he hoped there was something in it for him. Had I been free and shown my interest he would have been all over me long time ago.

Eight months ago, I realized that my feelings for him were fading. I can still go “to that place” when I remember how it was to feel that way for him (something I cannot do with my exes), but it’s like a memory. Had I obsessed over him, I would have done something stupid. I would probably have had an affair and hurt everyone in the process, me included. You see, even though, unlike you, I knew this guy pretty well, I didn’t REALLY know him the way two people can get two know each other when they properly meet and date. Two things would have happened. I would either discover that we were not right for each other or that we were. But none of that could have been done properly since I was married.

If this guy ever leaves your best friend, even though it may be awkward at first, nobody could say that you did anything wrong by started seeing him. While they are still together, help yourself and don’t feed the emotions. They will fade away much faster. Maybe my feelings lasted that long because I actually knew the guy and we spent time together (even though we never flirted). If you let yourself do the right, not the easy, thing, you’ll be all right.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (29 March 2024):

Honeypie agony auntYou know what you need to do.

Take a 100% break from seeing your BFF when her BF is there. Only meet up with her. Don't be around him. It DOESN'T matter if he is making YOU feel special. HE is dating YOUR best friend!!

I think the more you spend time with HER the FASTER you will realize that your little (sorry) SICK fantasy is just that, a fantasy.

Unless you are willing to lose ALL your friend and your BEST friend over a man. A man who might not even be the right guy for you long term. Because IF you make a move on the BFF's BF or HE makes a move on you - that IS what will happen.

And IF you them end up with this guy, HOW long do you think it will be before he starts eyeballing your other friends to see whom he can replace you with?!

A person who will CHEAT with you - will cheat ON you.

Honestly, you sound selfish. And you sound delulu.

Come on now, you are not 12.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2024):

It's very difficult when we're attracted to someone who is out of bounds. You say the guy is more intimate with you but are you sure this isn't your imagination and wishful thinking? Has he actually said or done anything romantic? Are you sure he isn't just being friendly? Have you spoken to any other friends about it, those who know him? You need some perspective on the situation.

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