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She used to have affairs with married men. Is she dating material??

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Question - (29 February 2012) 12 Answers - (Newest, 2 March 2012)
A male United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I met this really beautiful girl a couple months ago. She seemed nice and sweet too. Almost too good to be true!

I asked her to lunch and surprise to me she said yes. We sort of started a relationship. I mean not too serious yet. Just movies and dinners and walks. I take things slow. But since its been two months I am ready to invest more energy and be more serious. But heres the problem.

We talked about our dating histories. She is 26. She dated a number of guys but in between her telling me this stuff she also told me she had some dated married guys. I was pretty shocked. I said why. She said sometimes it happened when she was a student and also when she moved to the city where we live. She needed the money. Also a couple of them were having bad marriages and she liked them and they liked her.

It bothers me because I am near 30 and I dont want to play anymore. But if she had all these affairs what does it mean for her ability to be serious in a longterm relationship? Cheating in marriage means a real breach of trust and a lack of respect for the man's wife and family. I guess I am old fashioned maybe.

Anyway, would this be a deal breaker for you?

Thank you so much,

Bruce

View related questions: affair, money

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A female reader, maverick494 United States +, writes (2 March 2012):

Well if she has one thing going for her, it's her honesty. She could have kept her mouth shut but she played straight with you from the beginning. That at least, is a good sign.

Now, as for the whole married men deal, it gets a bit dicey. She has admitted dating them without remorse, for money. I would ask her about how she looks back on that time and how she views future relationships. Lots of young people do things they regret later. But there are also a lot who don't regret and continue to make the same decisions later in life. You can't know unless you ask.

My advice is not to condemn her immediately. She's 26, she's not a teen anymore and her own moral compass and future desires may have adjusted. Give it a shot, but keep your eyes open.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2012):

She has no respect for anyone's marriage so why do u think she will respect her own, if she does get married one day?

This woman knowingly and deliberately sought out married men: not just for sex but also for the "gifts" they provided her. You know what she really did dont you. Yes u are right: she "prostituted" herself so that she could be rewarded.

Look OP, the sacred institution of marriage means nothing to her: never did and sadly never will.

She has no remorse: she actually cannot comprehend anyone having an issue with her continuous affairs with married menm in essense this means that her morals and her inbuilt value system will not change.

Bruce, the mere fact that u are questioning means that u know the answer to your delimma.

LoveGirl

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A female reader, Honeygirl South Africa +, writes (1 March 2012):

Honeygirl agony aunt"She said sometimes it happened when she was a student and also when she moved to the city where we live. She needed the money"

Do I read this right... she had sex with married men for money? Wow, so what do you think this makes her? Definitely not marriage material.

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A female reader, Gabrielle Stoker United States +, writes (1 March 2012):

Gabrielle Stoker agony auntIt shows that she has made bad decisions in the past. Of course, as any fund manager will tell you, past perforance may or may not be repeated in future. SO there is no inherent indication that she will cheat on you or any such thing.

If this goes against your moral compass (and it would go against most people's, including mine) then you really should not pursue this further.

If it does not and she means something to you, you should certainly take this further.

Finally her past is a moral issue and it's a matter of how important it is to you. What we feel should not change that.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2012):

no way dont do it pal your asking for trouble she may seem sweet etc but she's been up to stuff that suggests she's got a moral compass thats way off the norm i'd get shut and find something better. for me i couldn't trust her totally knowing that

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012):

I probably wouldn't date someone who had made a practice of dating married people for financial help- but you never know for sure what someone will do once in a committed relationship regardless of their background. Still that doesn't give you the right to use them for sex or whatever. Just let her go if you don't feel she is right for you and this bothers you.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (29 February 2012):

Honeypie agony auntYou wrote one of the reasons she gave you for dating married men was (and I quote)

"She needed the money."

So did she USE them as sugar daddies?

Honestly, I could never see myself with a person who's moral compass goes East/West when my own goes North/South.

I think it shows a lack of 1. empathy 2. morals & values and 3. good common sense. And all those 3 traits would be serious no-no's for me.

Personally I find the men she cheated WITH more disgusting them her, yet I would not say she is blameless.

So in short, she would not be a person I would want to date. I just think building trust with a person who is so blatantly unapologetic about her own actions would be impossible for me. Total dealbreaker.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012):

In a word: "no" I would not date her. The only way I might consider it is if she expressed extreme remorse. If she just states in matter-of-factly I would not date her. Doing this, to me, shows she thinks mainly of herself and has little to know regard for others. Marriage is usually the most important single thing in a persons life. Even if the husband told her he was unhappy, what about the wife? Does undermining her marriage mean nothing? And why would one be attracted to the type of scumbag who cheats on a wife and children?

No, I would not respect or trust this person. Nor, regardless of her looks, would I be able to see her as a beautiful person.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012):

For me, yeah it's a deal breaker.

"She needed the money." Yeah well she may aswell have been standing on street corners getting into strangers cars because to me that's what that is.

Now I personally never date cheaters, I don't care their excuse nor how bad a mistake it was I just don't. I will never trust a cheater. Now I do understand others are okay with that, that people do change etc. and that people can make mistakes, so in that sense I would have said to you give her a chance but for two things:

1. She's only 26, it's only been a couple of years since she's been a student. In other words it happened not long ago so I seriously doubt she's grown up that much as to not be a different person who wouldn't do that again.

2. She doesn't express any remorse at all. She sounds like she's completely okay with it because the "marriages were bad" and she "liked" them. If she doesn't see anything wrong with it then she won't when decides another guy is shinier than you.

I know I'm going to be cast down as a pig for saying this but those kind of girls are only good for a fuck buddy, not for anything serious in my opinion. She obviously cares little about hurting others as long as she gets what she wants; money and the companionship of another woman's man. I wouldn't trust her for a second and in past I would have gladly just shagged her from time to time and then thrown her away once I was done, I started to get feelings or she wanted more commitment. If she puts so little value in relationships, then I can't value her as relationship material.

I know it sounds harsh but that's how I view people who do the things she's done.

Having said all that, this is a decision you have to make. As Tish said, all women are risks, maybe this girl is a risk worth taking. I don't know her and personally I wouldn't but that's easy for me to say because I never had a problem finding another girl if one didn't work out.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012):

It would make me cautious yes, people who knowingly date married men are doing it for their own selfish reasons, a means to an end, without regard for the wife.

However, it was before you met her, she has told you about it, so that's in her favour.

She's with you and your not married so I would think she's at a different stage in her life now, wants a man who is free and with the possibility of settling down.Only you know if you can deal with it long-term or if it will be at the back of your mind.

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A female reader, followtheblackrabbit Cayman Islands +, writes (29 February 2012):

followtheblackrabbit agony auntTo me personally, yes. I am old-fashioned too, but it comes down to more than that. Marriage, to me is a deep promise, a commitment of body, heart and soul between two people, a partnership. I realize that in modern times, marriages can be something different, but that still doesn't take away from the pledge you made to another person. The way I see it, if you can't respect another person's marriage (good or bad), how can you fully respect your own? To be in such an affair, there are a lot of excuses you have to tell yourself. Like: well, his wife treats him badly so it's ok. He loves me so it can't be that wrong. Personally, I'd worry about the excuses if my husband was known to have affairs with married women. If we fight, he could simply say : "well, she's being mean, I can have a one-night stand." Huge deal breaker for me.

(I'm just speaking personally here) I'm a bit concerned that she listed "money" as one of the reasons for carrying on an affair...It's a bit worrying.

But, you're asking whether she is long-term potential. Ask yourself this, Is she someone you believe you will able to trust? Is she someone you respect? Will you be able to overlook her past? Is she someone who shares the same moral values as you do? Do you think she's stable financially and emotionally? Do you share similar goals? Similar interests? These are just a few questions that can help decide compatibility and if you've answered yes to most of them, she's a good bet. If not, reconsider.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (29 February 2012):

Tisha-1 agony auntHi, well, I'm not a big fan of married people cheating, but I have to ask you this, why do you need the opinions of others to decide if she is a good match for you? Is this a poll that will help you decide whether or not to date her?

Women who never dated a married man in their youth can cheat just as easily as women who did. There's no perfect test for determining who will or won't cheat.

If you feel uncomfortable with her revelation about this past history, I'd say it would be best to stop seeing her. If you are here asking this question, clearly this is beyond your comfort level. Let it go, let her go.

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