A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. I need some advise on what I should do. I have been with this girl for the last 5 years. The problem is that I cant resepct her or do anything nice for her. She has a past, she lost her virginity when she was 15 years old and stayed in that relationship til she was 17. Then she hooked up with a guy who just used her.I have been with her for the last 5 years, but I always initiate to figths. I call her names like slut, that she has a big vagina by sleeping around.For the last 2 years, all she has done is crying. She says she loves me, she says that she is wants to be with me, but I cant believe her or trust her. She was studying abroad, but dropped out of college because I never trusted her. I demanded that she had to put on the webcam every night.She has sacrifised sooo much for me, but I cant trust her. My friends have said that she isnt a good girl, and I believe them and not her.She had an abortion last thursday, she begged me to be there with her, but I didnt. She wanted to keep the baby, but I didnt. I talked her into it, and now she is a mess. I dont knopw why, but whenever she cries, she irritates me. I hate it when she cries!what should I do!?? she wasnt like this befor, but now she is an emotional wrek. she says that all the things I dis ; accusing her for cheating, never trusting her, calling her bad names, has mad her like this.. She really wantet to keep the baby, but because of me she took the abortion. I must admit that I made her think that I would go with her so she would have the abortion. What should I do? whats wrong with me?? she has cut her self soo many times because of me, but I cant love her? I feel sick when I think that she has had sex with 2 others than me. She says that I am her true love, but I dont belive her.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (14 October 2011):
 Do her the biggest and only favor and please let her go. Let her finally live her own life and meanwhile you go and seek professional help. There's nothing wrong with her, she just has the worst luck, to have met just about the most irrational person on the planet.
You dont believe her and no one can or even should convince you, because you dont even deserve it. So she had sex with two other men. Is that the end of the world? And like you are perfect? You have used and abused your girlfriend,you were never with her when she needed you, you made her abort her baby and still didnt stand by her, you've never trusted her, you trust your friends' more than her....you SERIOUSLY need help OP. Please leave her alone. You need more than just amateur advice, please seek professional help without any further delay.
A
male
reader, aresu  +, writes (14 October 2011):
 i can understand the issue of past sexual partners, as im a virgin myself and would only get with a virgin.but what you are doing is terrible and unfair to this girl, when you don't like someone as your partner, the only thing that you should do is break up, get over it, and move on.you pal, have kept both of you in a very unhealthy relationship, and she is taking the worst of it, you are punishing her senseless. if you don't like what she has done, then break up, and let her find a guy that she likes, and that respects her, and you can go looking for a girl that you like and fit the standards you are looking for.just like you i would never accept someone for a partner if they have sexual past(because im a virgin myself), but i would never ever make her suffer for that, i would let her off the hook and go our separate ways to look for our ideal partner, so sorry, but i don't agree with what you are doing and cant feel sympathy for you. let her go.
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A
female
reader, tb0721  +, writes (14 October 2011):
 Well it seems like the problem is with you not her. As you get older you will realize many women have had sex before they met you. Just because she made a mistake at a young age doesnt define who she is now or her feelings for you. If she has never cheated on you then why have trust issues? I think they way you treat her has caused her to be a different person and shame on you for thinking it wouldnt and that its okay. If you cant get a grip on it now you better leave her before you cause her to emotionally self destruct and cause further harm to herself. Sounds like she deserves way more and you have wasted 5 yrs of her life
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): You have serious problems.
Get help. Let her find someone who actually cares about her. I bet your past is shittier than hers (even though she did nothing wrong).
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 October 2011):
 What should you do?
You should leave her... let her heal physically and emotionally.
move on and leave her be.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (14 October 2011):
 You are a bad guy, poster. You have made this girl go through a lot. I think she should leave you.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (13 October 2011):
 WTF dude, BREAK UP WITH HER!
Jesus Christ, is it really that hard to figure out?
You can't love her. You abuse her verbally, you treat her like CRAP, willingly, knowing that you're hurting her. SO STOP IT.
Break up with her, find yourself a snow-pure virgin girl who you can actually respect, and hope that she doesn't disrespect and treat YOU like crap because you aren't a virgin, too!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2011): My advice is for her to break up with you, and to find herself a nice man who will love her, support her and appreciate her, and to never have any contact with you again.As for you, I suggest you do not have any more relationships until you are emotionally secure and are able to act like an adult. How can you punish someone for being in a relationship before they met you? that is just ridiculous.
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (13 October 2011):
 you are damaging this girl, leave her and let her find a good man. sorry but you sound very poisonous. if your post is in any way genuine then i hope you get help for your issues, for your sake and the sake of whoever you get relationships with in the future. just because she had sex with someone at fifteen, and kept a relationship with him for 2 years and then met another guy - does not make her a slut. you have massive jealousy issues. get to the root of them and get it sorted - you will find you become a more happy and mentally content person if you do
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (13 October 2011):
 The picture you are showing this board does not make her look bad.
It makes me wish she had someone that truly loved her and cared for her well-being. Instead, she has a boy who abuses her. Your post makes me very, very sad for HER.
You are also using her and took advantage of her submission towards you. You should be ashamed of yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2011): There is something seriously wrong with this post. First of all, everyone has slept around. How could you be such an insecure little boy? This has got to be the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen. On top of that, she is insecure as well. Your both just being insecure for absolutely no reason.And for the virginity thing, I have met so many women and they have all at least slept with one other guy. Everyone sleeps around, kid. Get it through to your head that all the women you meet from now until you die will have had at least one sexual connection with someone else. And if you do meet someone who hasn't, she probably has her own issues. It's a part of life.She should be leaving YOU for all the torture you put her through. No one deserves to be treated so disrespectfully and abusively. You need to get off the computer and go see a psychologist.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 October 2011):
 You have been controlling her, haven't you??
Let me ask you this:
Did you lose your virginity to this girl? Is she your first and only sex partner ever?
You have a past too, my friend. Everyone does.
Let's think about this. She "wasn't like this" before you came into her life. It's obvious that you being in her life has been destructive to her. The woman you claim to want to be with is the one you've hurt more than anything else. You've broken her down into a crying, cutting, self-harming person. You demand everything, but what do you give her?
WHY should she not cheat on you? Have you treated her like a boyfriend should treat a beloved girlfriend? If you're so disgusted about her past enough to verbally and emotionally abuse her, why have sex with her? Why impregnate her? Why make demands of her?
What do you bring to the table in this relationship? What do you offer? Why should she even stay with you? Why should you have anything to say about her past?
Truthfully, if she's been faithful for 5 years to you, and only had 2 other partners before you, she's a pretty awesome girl who is NOT a slut at all. If you were so worried about her sexual past, why did you add to it? And, now you have a history.
Does this mean by your own judgement, you can never date again after her because you're now a "slut", and you have a shrunken penis because of your past sexual partners? You lack empathy and compassion, and your obsessive and controlling personality are breaking her down and damaging her soul, maybe beyond repair.
You ask what you should do. It's simple. You need to let her go and leave her alone. If you can't handle her past, and you're too jealous, then leave her. To not do so is utterly heinous and reprehensible. You're killing her inside, and for what? Your pride? Your jealousy?
If I were advising her instead of you, I'd tell her to drop you immediately and see someone to help repair the damage you've done to her. I also suggest that you talk to someone as well, or you'll hurt everyone you come into contact with.
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A
female
reader, baby-blue-eyes +, writes (13 October 2011):
i suspect you came on here thinking we'd all support you and you'd be able to carry on controlling her and being a jerk but to be honest i couldnt give a sh*t that you think its her problem because i can tell you now its that the problem is YOU.to be honest i want her to get out of this obviously very abusive relationship. as hard as this is to face you are absuing her she deserves better than this you are ruining her and her future ans she has done nothing to deserve it. so what she slept with a guy before you most people sleep with more than one partner in the lifetime i think for a woman the average is 5 sexual partners. this woman has given up everything for you shes given up her future her child and yet you still contine to emotionally and verbally abuse her you need professional help and i also advise your girlfriend to break up with you and get out of this extremely toxic relationshipo and start to rebuild her future with a guy who loves and trusts her and encourages her to pursue her dreams.and to be honest id be an emotional wreck if a man i loved was acting like this. you need professional help before you get arrested for domestic abuse you need to get out of this relationship you clearly dont love her and seh deserves better
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A
male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (13 October 2011):
 Well pretty much everything has already been said. If you can't love her then leave her so you both can get on with your lives. There are alot of things that I want to say to you but it won't do any good.
You have an unrealistic view of women. She is no less of a person whether she slept with one guy or hundred.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2011): Honestly dude, you're so pathetic. But there is some good in you because you're seeking some help. My advice....leave her. Tell her there are 3 billion men alive that do want her and can care for her in ways you neglect. Tell her you're not going to change for her because the respect and trust isn't there. She deserves better than u pal. And you're an immature little boy who thinks women who have a sexual history are whores. This mistreatment of her will come back to u...not bc I say so but bc that's life. U will some day get past this and find love but it won't be lovely. Watch the seeds you plant and what you're sowing because at harvest time you will reap all that which you've sowed. Let this female live the rest of her life without u. You can't erase the hurt you've already caused her but u can stop yourself from hurting her in the future by not being apart of her future. Words can't express how I currently feel about the abuse youve done to her. What if someone did this to your mother or sister. You are so lucky to have met her. There are thousands of woman like me who would curse u out and leave u in a heartbeat....maybe even wipe ur ass for attempting to abuse. You're friends are losers too for telling u how to run your relationship but ur suppose to be the man. Men like you who have low self esteem and no self worth prey on females. Why not be a real man and support protect and love. If u can't be a real man then pack up n ship out her life.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 October 2011):
 I wish it was the young lady writing in for advice instead of you. I have all sorts of things I would like to tell her. She would get great advice from all the aunts on how to get away from an abuser. She would find comfort knowing she isn't the only person who can/has escaped a toxic relationship. She would see there is a light at the end of the tunnel for her. The loving arms of Dear Cupid would enfold her. As far as you and your problems...I don't give a shit.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 October 2011):
 Go seek professional help. This is beyond a bunch of well-intentioned amateur agony aunts telling you things you should already know by now:
"Stop calling her names." "Stop abusing her."
Take a break from being in a relationship, go talk to someone who can help you get your head back into a more reasonable and not abusive frame of mind. If you REALLY want to get help, you'll go find someone qualified to do so, not just post on a website hoping for a magic answer.
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A
female
reader, NennaHB  +, writes (13 October 2011):
 Perhaps when you get older you will understand that virginity is not something all women should have when they meet you, every woman as well as a man have a sexual past and the only thing that should matter is that she has been with you for the last 5 years and more than that, she has accepted all your requests, from being on webcam whenever you asked to having an abortion. To me - this says she loves you more than you deserve. Sorry if it's tough to hear, but I think you are here for honesty, not for sugarcoated opinions. So, if you don't trust her and she irritates you, why do you keep having a relationship with her? Why don't you find yourself a virgin you can mold according to your own beliefs? Although I disagree with your way of seeing a relationship, I think you would do her and yourself some good by breaking up. The simple fact that you were not by her side when she had the abortion shows how much you care about her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2011): What is wrong with you??
If it mattered to you so much that she had a past why did you begin to date her in the first place? Sleeping with two guys does NOT make her a slut, and she didn't "sleep around" if she only slept with two guys. You are being abusive. You did make her miserable, and you should not judge her for her past, accepting a person for who they are and their past is a vital part of a relationship. End it now, you clearly don't deserve her.
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female
reader, KittieS +, writes (13 October 2011):
 You need to explain more - where you the father of her baby?I'm assuming you were, and honestly I am disgusted at your attitude towards this girl.So please explain why you think it is acceptable to call her such nasty manes because she slept with someone before you? That's her past, you have been together five years and you sound like you have been a negative force in her life.As for why she is an emotional wreck at the moment, she just had an abortion! Which you forced upon her, her hormones will be all over the place, and the mental toll of an abortion on a woman is an incredibly stressful and painful thing. You should be there for her, loving her, caring for her.Do her a massive favour walk away let her get on with her life. You are absolutley no good for this lady at all
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