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Partner cheated and I think he's back to cheating with the same girl

Tagged as: Cheating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 April 2023) 4 Answers - (Newest, 22 April 2023)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Myself and my partner of 10 years decided last week that we would separate. He slept with a colleague in December 2022 and we tried to move past it, work on the relationship etc but after 4 months he said he couldn’t try any more than what he was when he’s getting nothing back. I’m not sure what he expected as he had slept with someone else, and I had told him it could take weeks, months, a year but he can’t.

Since we decided to end it he has unblocked the girls number who he cheated on me with and they were messaging each other. Now I asked to see his phone and he said no, I told him if he wants to continue speaking to her then he is to leave as it is disrespectful to both myself and our 3 year old son. He deleted and blocked her number again (he shown me as he was doing it).

Over the weekend me and my son were at a friends house for dinner and my ex was taking a long time replying to my messages which I thought was strange as he told me he was at his parents house for dinner so wasn’t busy. I had an awful feeling that he was with her. When we got home I checked where he was as his ‘find my phone’ was connected and he was in the town she lives, 40 minutes away.

I felt so sick and instantly phoned him. He didn’t answer. I tried again and he kept ignoring me. I tried to FaceTime him as our son was going to bed and wanted to see him. He ignored that also. Eventually he answered to say goodnight and told me he would be home at 9. I continued to watch his whereabouts and he was at a b and b hotel. He didn’t get home until 2am.

The following day I spoke to him calmly and again asked that if he wants to continue seeing her, he is to leave as I don’t want to be disrespected in our own home and I want to be amicable for the sake of our son. He denied being with her and said he was with his male work colleague who he takes to and from work. I don’t believe him and asked if he could prove it so it shown me his phone and the fact her number is still blocked as her name wasn’t coming up.

I thought today that I haven’t seen him on his work phone for a while and maybe they’re communicating on that. How do I approach this?

I want to ask to see his personal phone as if he was with his male colleague they would have had a conversation about this via message/call. We’re not together so I know I shouldn’t and it isn’t healthy but we’re still living in the same house in separate bedrooms until I can afford to move out and I am not being disrespected if what my gut feels is true.

Any help or advice is welcome.

Thank you.

View related questions: cheated on me, my ex

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2023):

How much incriminating evidence do you need before you decide to ditch this guy?!!

I know sometimes we don't want to lose to the person they cheated with; but enough is enough, and the guy doesn't seem to care how his cheating affects you. Don't bother using the child as a pawn against him; you're the one who gave birth to your son, he just contributed the sperm that made you pregnant.

Don't torture yourself. He has made his choice, and your ego and pride are forcing you to hang-on to a no-count double-crossing cheater.

Ditch him, get child-support, and get-on with your life. You've got 60+ years ahead of you to find real love and to put this loser behind you.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (22 April 2023):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntYou KNOW in your heart he is cheating on you. Showing you his colleague's number is blocked means nothing. She could have another phone. He could have another phone (you mention a work phone). He could have her number stored under a different name.

In your shoes I would concentrate on finding ways to get out of the house as quickly as possible and stop fixating on proving what you already know. As you admit yourself, it's not healthy and you know you shouldn't need to be checking on him. Admit what you already know - he is cheating on you - and stop looking for proof. It takes two to make a relationship work but he has given up on trying to make it work because it wasn't the easy fix he thought it should be after the first time he cheated.

Reconcile yourself to the fact he is not the man you thought he was and move on. You will always need to have contact with him as he is the father of your child but, beyond co-parenting, he doesn't deserve your time or your thoughts. You deserve better. Now go out and find it.

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A male reader, Myau New Zealand +, writes (22 April 2023):

Myau agony auntI dont know what you want here?

Do you want a relationship or for it to just be over?

I think you need to figure out what you want and if you want him what your willing to give to make that happen.

Can you trust him? Only you know the answer to that

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (21 April 2023):

Honeypie agony auntI'm sorry OP

Being cheated on SUCKS and for your SO to think you should just "suck it up and be OK with it 4 months later, is ridiculous. But with that said, IF you CHOSE to stay you CHOSE to work through it WITH him. That means that there needed to be a lot of communication about HOW do we fix this, what do YOU expect of HIM going forward, HOW/WHAT will HE do to rebuild YOUR trust in him... ALL that jazz. You two can't really expect that it will just "blow over" in X amount of time. I'm guessing he DID nothing other than expecting you to "eventually" "get over it".

The second thing I'd like to point out is for YOU to STOP using your CHILD in this drama. It's between YOU and your SO. So the whole " I tried to video call so our son could say goodnight" - it's bullshit and you know it. You just thought it would MAKE him answer the call. A 3-year-old can understand that Daddy isn't able to video call. Also if you do all this IN FRONT of your son, you are making things worse FOR your son, little kids are like little sponges - they may not understand what is going on but they understand that things are bad. He doesn't need to be involved in the adult drama.

You two have already decided to separate, then DO SO.

He can move out (or you can). Don't live together and pretend you are separating. How is that going to work for anyone? Least of all YOU?

Make an exit plan (for either you or your partner) if you OWN a house together -then you two NEED to figure out the logistic of selling or how you will share it.

"I thought today that I haven’t seen him on his work phone for a while and maybe they’re communicating on that. How do I approach this?"

YOU ARE SEPARATING so this is NO longer YOUR problem with what he does! Or who he talks to!

LET your family know what he did and that is why you are separating. That way he can't continue to get away with it.

OF COURSE, he is still talking to her! He probably was the 4 months directly after he cheated - why do I say that? Because what woman would just pick up chatting to someone they KNEW had a partner ( I presume she did know) after they slept together? He probably FED her some bullshit about having an unhappy homelife. You know the typical cheater BS.

She might have another number he can talk to her on, and he could have saved her number under ANY male name. Again, nothing a cheater wouldn't do.

YOU need to focus on what's NEXT for YOU. NOT him. Screw him.

YOUR priority is getting YOUR ducks in a row. That means who lives where, child visitation, child maintenance (if applicable) who gets what furniture, and all that. KEEP your documents and those of your son handy. TALK to a family solicitor. SET clear boundaries when it comes to your son.

Your CHEATING SO is making you act like a crazy controlling person. Who goes through his phone and spies on his location. Is that really what you want to do with your life? BE miserable with this cheater? Because you ARE.

You are hurting because HE hurt you!

But doing all this checking his phone, calling him when you "think" he is with her (and you were probably right) it's not healthy for you! You can NOT - I will repeat - YOU can not MAKE him be a kind, honest, and good partner by trying to control him. You can't.

Your relationship is OVER.

Accept it and figure out where YOUR new path is.

Reach out to the family, maybe someone can help you with a place to stay while you are saving up for a new apartment so you don't have to SUFFER living with this cheater. If that isn't personal, THINK of him as a roommate. DO NOT engage with him. Don't do his laundry or cook him meals or ANYTHING else. Just focus on you and your son.

"I want to ask to see his personal phone as if he was with his male colleague they would have had a conversation about this via message/call. "

I get it but don't. YourSO is a "stranger" to you now, a stranger you share a child with.

I wish you the best and I'm so sorry you are hurting.

Focus on the future without him in it.

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