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My boyfriend says if I don't lose weight after our baby's birth he will dump me!

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Family, Pregnancy, Sex, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 June 2018) 9 Answers - (Newest, 11 June 2018)
A female United States age 41-50, *hiannon3 writes:

I am 24 weeks pregnant. My boyfriend is constantly calling me fat. He says he is teasing. He also said that if I don't lose the weight after the baby is born he will dump me. I have taken all these things to heart. I was really skinny before I got prego. He likes petite women. My question is should I give him permission to cheat while I'm pregnant? He still has sex with me. I just know he won't be turned on the bigger I get. I don't want him to but maybe it won't hurt as bad if I know.

View related questions: lose weight, petite, teasing

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2018):

If you take every word your boyfriend says as gospel; what could we say that would convince you otherwise?

If he was going to leave you, it would probably be to get out of supporting his child. Your weight is just a way of making you blame yourself.

Are you even stopping to consider what a horrid thing that is for a man to say to the woman carrying his child? You're worried about body-image and how he feels about that?

You're pregnant for crying out-loud!!! You glow and your skin will be like velvet.

He is probably the center of your universe. You want to keep this man so badly; that you are going through psychological torment over his threat to leave you! Over your weight?!!

My dear, nothing can be more cruel of a joke!!! It's natural and healthy for you to gain weight during pregnancy; and you had better be listening to your doctor, instead of that fool!

EXCUSE ME, BUT YOU'RE PREGNANT! What about the child???

If he leaves you, he is also leaving his moral-obligation behind him! That obligation is to help parent and financially-support the baby he left you with!

If he can joke with you like that, he has absolutely no sensitivity, he's calloused to the core; and you're infatuated with a man who threatens to leave you while you're pregnant!

Not prego, but pregnant!

Oh, I believe the post is for real. What's not for real, is what you think he feels for you.

I'd speculate this is a case where a baby was brought into the picture as an act of desperation, and an insurance policy to keep him. He's messing with your head to let you know it's possible he might leave. He's got itchy-feet!

Why would anyone joke like that with a pregnant woman?

Let me bring you back to reality. Go home to your mother, a sister, grandmother, or an aunt. You need to be with a woman who can give you moral-support; and help you get through this pregnancy. This guy is messing with your head; and he may be trying to cause you to stress and have complications with your pregnancy.

He is being psychologically-abusive. You're hormonal...and I have to be honest; and tell you that you're also being somewhat foolish. You get a pass for that. Your emotions are running haywire; and it's natural and symptomatic of your pregnancy. He's picking at your vanity, targeting your self-esteem, and attacking the most vulnerable and sensitive area! Your body! Gets women every-time!

You can stay there and take this horrendous humor; or find yourself a safe-place, where someone can take care of you. Someone to soothe and comfort you; and remind you when you're just being silly.

Meanwhile; get your legal-ducks in a row for your child-support. This guy is planning to bailout on you and the baby! It won't have anything to do with your weight! He probably doesn't want the responsibility and financial-burden of fatherhood, or you!

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A male reader, TylerSage United States +, writes (10 June 2018):

TylerSage agony auntI think you should back-track a bit and focus on the magnitude of your insecurities here. Your boyfriend, called you fat...which is technically true...because you're pregnant. The comment about him dumping you sounds a tad bit passive-aggressive but it seems that was a part of his teasing also.

Why would you just magical come to the conclusion that he needs to cheat on you with another woman even though you both still have sex? Where did that thought even come from? How do you even start a conversation like that? Do you feel that small and unworthy.

It's clear that his statements have somewhat provoked you but instead of standing up for yourself by a man you feel berated by you try to find irregular ways to please him because you feel you have become insufficient. I think the real issue here lies with you. Maybe you should see a therapist and talk about your problems. I'm sure you're under a lot of stress and your emotions are all over the place. Why not clear the air and get back to feeling more confident about yourself and this baby you are bringing into the world?

Let your boyfriend know that you don't like when he makes those comments and I'd like to think he will stop.

All the best.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2018):

I think you have some very serious self esteem issues. And I think he is playing you like a fiddle. He knows you have low self esteem. What an asshole he is!!

Don't think because you are pregnant with this pig's baby that you are obligated to stay with the pig.

It seems to me this is not a good relationship. It will not be a good relationship after the baby arrives. So, I would consider getting out now.

He thinks he has trapped you. Do you want to live out the rest of your life like a caged animal? Where he has the lock and key? Because this my dear is only the beginning.

He puts you down. He makes you feel like shit. But you already feel like shit and you are just enabling him to punish you more and more. WHY do you feel you deserve this kind of treatment and this kind of relationship? He is not making you happy. It is obvious. And why would he? He is selfish, mean and cruel to you. He does not care about you. He only cares about himself.

He will not be a good father either. What kind of example are you setting for your future child sticking with a man like this? If you love yourself and your child, you will know that you both deserve better.

Well, DUH, of course you have put on weight with HIS BABY!!! He knocked you up and now calls you fat??? What a piece of work. This is pure emotional abuse on his part. Does he hit you too? I would not be surprised if he didn't or if he does become physically abusive down the road? I would worry about the safety of my child as well if I were you.

We have choices in this life. Tomorrow is another day. Another day to start over. We are never tied down to anything permanently. Especially if it affects our well being and the well being of our children.

As for permission to cheat, why doesn't he give you permission to cheat because he is treating you like a second class citizen and calling you fat, threatening to leave you if you don't lose weight. Ask him if he will give you permission to cheat with a REAL MAN since he isn't one. Ask him that.

And please, don't think that he wouldn't cheat on you even without your permission. He could be doing it now. It would explain how nasty he is treating you.

So, my advice is don't trust him. Don't continue to be at his mercy because he is bad for you and your child.

You are better than this. Don't settle for a relationship with a man who makes you feel degraded and who brings down your self esteem.

A man who loves you would never treat you that way. He would never talk to you like that. He would never threaten to leave you if you don't lose weight.

Love is unconditional. You see? It is a commitment to see your partner through the good and the bad. He only "loves" you when it is convenient for him. Like when he is horny, for example.

If you keep doing down this road, it is only going to get worse.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (10 June 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntDump him and file for child support. I mean it.

No decent partner would want to cheat. No self-respecting person would allow their partner to cheat.

"Oh, sorry son/daughter; Daddy doesn't love me if I'm not skinny". Do you know what message his "teasing" will send to your baby as they grow up? "Only slim people are worthy. Only slim people are attractive. Only slim people deserve to be committed to."

I'm sorry, but this is a real mess. You're having a HUMAN with a guy who doesn't care enough to marry you first and doesn't see any problem with shaming you for PREGNANCY weight. You are carrying his BABY and he's worried about you gaining NECESSARY weight? He's a jerk.

OP, weight loss after pregnancy isn't usually easy because, sorry to shock you both, but babies are 24/7 work!

Seriously, OP, you need to stand up for yourself. Do NOT give him permission to cheat - if he wants to or does it, break up because he does NOT need to.

Honestly say to him "if you joke about my weight one more time, I will leave you. My body is creating life and you have no right to comment on my size, joking or not. You contributed to this, so be a positive part of this journey or leave and I'll get a lawyer to arrange visitation and child support."

He needs a kick up the backside to realise what he'll lose and stick to your threat of leaving, if he does it again. You have a baby coming, so you can't be weak - you have to be strong and be a role model. Get family support and stand up to him.

This post sounds like it's come from a young woman in her early 20s, not a mature woman in her 40s, so take that life experience and put him in his place.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (10 June 2018):

N91 agony auntOn what planet would this be a good idea?

Why are YOU worried about HIM breaking things off? Why the hell have YOU not dumped his sorry ass? How can you let him disrespect you like that and then contemplate letting him sleep with other women? Give your head a wobble.

Just because he is going to be the father of your child doesn’t mean you need to be in a relationship with him. Where’s your self respect?

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A female reader, Rhiannon3 United States +, writes (10 June 2018):

Rhiannon3 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Yes it for real

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2018):

Look if somebody loves you he can not keep his hands off you even if you are in the last week of your pregnancy so the brutal truth is,this guy doesn't love you. Sorry to tell you this. Don't accept such nasty threats and remarks from him and tell him if he wants to leave he can but he will have to pay for his childs care. He can not go scot free. Threaten him, scare him too.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2018):

I can't believe that this post isn't a joke, but I'm going to give the benefit of the doubt.

No one deserves to be cheated on. Your boyfriend sounds like a narcissist. You shouldn't settle for poor treatment. I would feel awful if I were in your shoes. I would feel upset about this "teasing," and I would tell him how I felt. Don't tolerate bad treatment from a partner.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (10 June 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntIs this post for real?

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