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Married unhappy and falling for another man

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 July 2022) 9 Answers - (Newest, 19 July 2022)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, *emma40 writes:

Looking for advice

Hi I am a married woman with two grown up children. My husband and I have been under pressure with various things going on I suspected he fancied other women at times which he didn't deny. We do try and work at out marriage.I an 12 years younger than him. Out of the absolute blue I feel for a guy who works in a place where we go I have falling hard and quick.we make eye contact at times I caught his hand discreetly while walking passed him and I'm unsure about the way he received it I think he was shocked I just said sorry and left. I feel such a strong desire I feel I want too pursue him should I ask him out straight because I am miserable the last couple of weeks please give me some sense and reasoning .

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2022):

You are falling hard and quick so you say, but alas, you have hardly said a word to the person you so admire.

I don't think you know his name or anything else about him.

It amazes me to think that you can go somewhere with your husband and suddenly decide that you have an attraction to a man who is only fulfilling his job contract.

What on earth makes you think he is attracted to you?

When you grabbed his hand he probably thought it was a clumsy attempt to pick his pockets using the distraction technique.

And if you carry on acting like this he will probably call the police or have you thrown out by security.

At the very least you sound mentally ill: because you are trying to impose your mindless fantasies on someone who is just doing their job.

Yes,you are falling hard and quick and if you don't cut out this kind of behaviour you will end up on your ass in the street.

Your husband also probably thinks you've lost the plot!

Stop trying to force a stranger to be th leverage you want in your marriage!

But maybe the marriage is also a daydream ...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2022):

Mod note: FWIW the Op does not work with the man she is interested in. I made that mistake too first time reading through the post. "He works at a place we go to".

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (18 July 2022):

Honeypie agony auntWhat people always seem to forget is that anyone (yes, ANYONE) who is willing to cheat on a spouse has NO respect for their spouse, little respect for themselves and other people.

No one is "HAPPY" 24/7, whether married or single. It's just not realistic. Nor is anyone "perfect".

YOU are bored with the "old" hubby and caught "lust" for someone else. THAT is reality.

LUST is lust. It's not love. It's a WANT, not a MUST or NEED.

My guess is you spend a LOT of your time making up fantasies about this work guy. Because THAT is all he is, a fantasy. A way for YOU to escape the life at home.

The thing is, REGARDLESS of whether your husband found other women attractive or not (well, DUH! he has eyeballs and there are without a doubt women MORE attractive than you out there in the World) - it is NOT an excuse for you to go on a date!

You came here hoping to get permission (even though we CAN NOT give you that) to cheat.

That somehow it's OK to cheat because your husband is older than you, and he in the past fancied some "hot young thing". It's NOT Ok to cheat. Ever. That is why it's called cheating.

Do you know what infidelity also stands for? It stands for unbelief - an absence of faith. You have LOST faith in your husband, your bond with him, and your marriage. do you really think CHEATING will magically fix that? Make it better?

No.

Do you know what the word cheat really means?

1. act dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an advantage.

2. deceive or trick

Is that the kind of person you want to be?

It will make YOU feel better in the moment and then regret will hit. But you will justify it to yourself. Then you will eventually get caught and then you will lie and pretend you have remorse because you are too much of a coward to rock the boat. You want the stability of your marriage, you want the image of being a wife and you don't want to be alone.

You say you and your husband try to work on the marriage. Ok how? What did you try? Did it work? If it didn't (obviously) what else can you try?

Why do you think going on a date with someone who IS NOT your husband is OK? How do you actually justify it?

Figure out WHO you are, and who you want to be.

What you have, what you have to LOSE, and what you want.

the figure out HOW to "get" what you want the "right" way. With your honesty and honor intact.

Do better and be better.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2022):

It's always the same with such women. They never think things through. They want to cheat because they are looking for another guy to save them from misery and boredom. It never occurs to them that the other man is happy as he is, or gay, or already got someone, or she is not his type (far too needy and dramatic for one thing) or that he is just looking for sex without all of the complications and expectations she has. When men look for an affair they want just sex, nothing more, it saves them a bundle of cash at the local massage parlour. You would just be a sex convenience. They are not interested in you leaving your husband, or how unhappy you are, and certainly not in you being with them full time. They may well you they love you and like you a lot etc but that is just to get you to let them have sex! That is to make sure that the next session and the next are sorted. Once you start going on about love and your horrible husband they get bored to tears and want to get rid of you. To them it is boring and a hassle.

The reason most men look for a married woman is because they want you to lean on husband for company, support when you are ill, money etc and only meet up with them for fun when it suits them. They don't want to take on the time consuming bits, the nasty bits or the financial bits!

A wise woman sorts out her marriage first. After all, only nasty selfish men want a married woman. And nasty selfish men tend to lie and let you down big time. It is also the right thing to do so far as your husband is concerned. He may not be perfect (though I suspect he is a lot more perfect than you) but he still deserves for you to be honest with him. Communication is the key to a good marriage and you certainly are not very good at that. You are far more mouthy and verbal with strangers than wit him.

When I was in a similar situation to you years ago I sat my husband down and told him how I felt, and said we must sort it out and become a happy pair or end it. I gave him several chances to put things right. And they were big things.

He was violent, he drank too much, he was terrible with money. Then and only then did I take on someone else and end the marriage. Your description of your husband is not that of a bad man and it is all guesses. You probably like to believe he is cheating so that you feel you can do as you please now. But that does not mean he is. And if he really is cheating perhaps that is because you are a devious wife who is bad at communication? Perhaps it is because you are a cold fish and selfish? Look at yourself first as to why that would be? He may jump for joy if you leave.

But that does not mean that he deserves to live with a liar and a cheat.

The reasons most wives stay with their boring horrible husbands is two fold. One is that he pays most or all of the bills and they want his money. The other is that they have not lined up a replacement for him yet. I've seen this over and over again where a wife uses her husband for money etc. Leads him on for another few years - wasting his time and depriving him of a better life with someone else.

Until they manage to get another man who wants them for more than sex. Then all of a sudden the husband can go f**k himself. If that is not selfish and devious what is?

In the meantime the husband has lost chances to be happy with nicer women, more honest women, less cold and selfish women. Which he does not deserve.

Love should be given freely and yes you should desist from giving it if you do not get it back. But remember that

lovers often lie to get sex. It's far easier and cheaper for them to do that than to get casual sex in the usual places. I work as a therapist and many of my clients are women like you who come to me crying their eyes out because they had big grand plans of how to screw the husband

and it backfired on them when the lover screwed them.

One of my most recent clients was a wealthy lady, middle aged, bored to tears with hubby but with him for his enormous pay packet. She also had a very young sexy lover. But he was making a fuss about being a secret piece on the side and trying to force the issue of being the only man in her life. Oh dear she says. I need husband for the huge house and money and I need lover for great sex.

And she honestly expected me to feel sorry for her.

Yes I helped her. That is my job.

But she will end up with a sad and lonely life.

Selfish people always do.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2022):

Trying to seek happiness in another man while married is the worst mistake you can make. You don't even know if the guy likes you. Eye contact and the brish of a hand doesn't mean anything. You are romantizing your feelings.

End your marriage first. That is the right thing to do.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2022):

Your post starts-out, like many do, from people who are in an unhappy or broken-marriage. Before they discontinue the current relationship they're in, they go-out and start themselves an affair, or someone random to cheat with.

When I said you started your post the way many posts about bad-relationships often do, I meant they always first try to justify their cheating.

It must be established with DC, and our readers, that their spouse is a nasty old cheat. He's mean, indifferent to her, unaffectionate; or she's in a sexless marriage. Their remedy is to jump from the frying pan into the fryer!!! They're already in a troubled-relationship; so why not pour petrol on the fire!!! Cheat! Pursue an affair, or boink the first man or woman they lock eyes with! You are pretending like you just can't help yourself; you're so sucked into the vacuum of your passions and desire for this man. Like the heroine or female-protagonist in a romance novel, swept-up in her passions; having lost all sense of reality.

Come-on now!!! Seriously?!!

Uhm...you've still got to deal with that man who's still on your marriage license, living in your house; and listed on public record as your legal spouse. He also happens to own half of everything you own. Remember??? Cuckolding your husband is so cliche and spiteful! Preserve your dignity and divorce him first!

You can't justify having an affair, simply because you "suspect" or accuse your husband of "fancying" other women; and then embellishing on that accusation by saying he has admitted to it. You didn't mention why you're still with him?

That being the case, you have grounds for a divorce; which you should be thoroughly in the process of getting all your legal ducks in a row, to get out of said marriage. Divorces are emotionally draining, they are volatile, costly, and most are unpredictable. You do realize you'll be dealing with the legal-process of undoing a marriage between two people who, share income, a home, assets, property, and usually there are children. Poop will hit the fan when your husband finds-out; meanwhile, you are in the works of pursuing an affair...with someone you work with, I might add!!! The guy's not some anonymous random dude, he's a sitting duck at your place of employment! All the crazy stuff you hear about on the news about enraged-husbands or boyfriends!!!

You are being totally reckless! You're running off the rails, girlfriend! You're too old to be so irresponsible.

You are now contemplating dragging a co-worker into your marital-drama; thereby introducing that drama into the workplace, and creating yet another problem that will only complicate your already strained-marriage. Which you said: "We do try and work at out marriage." Introducing an affair with a co-worker isn't the way to do it. You can't date until you're single again. Consider the gossip about the affair at your job. It's a distraction, and has the potential to put your co-workers at risk. No telling how your husband will react. Rage makes people do crazy things; things you wouldn't imagine they'd do! People can even get killed behind this madness!

First you have to undo the mess you're already in, before dragging a third-party into your drama; hence, creating an even worse marriage situation than you're already in. It becomes a wicked game of tit for tat. The animosity and hostility will surely spillover into the divorce proceedings. Divorce is inevitable, if this is how you're thinking. Any side-relationship you have on the fringes will certainly feel the reverberations!!! There could be trouble between the two men, of a violent nature; with you foolishly in the middle. This thing could go really sideways, and spill into your professional-life; because you've decided to go manhunting for (eggplant emoji) at your workplace!!! Of all places!

If your objective is to see how bad you can ruin your life? My dear, you are on the right track! You are either caught-up in scornfulness, or out of your mind! You certainly can't sell anyone on being the poor pitiful abused or neglected-wife in an unhappy marriage. Not when you're chasing a male co-worker, while still married; and yet claiming to be working on your marriage.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (17 July 2022):

mystiquek agony auntPeople fall out of love it happens. You dont trust your husband that certainly doesnt make love stronger. A big age difference can become a problem. Getting involved with someone else is not the answer though! It will just add more complications. Search your heart. If you no longer love your husband, end the marriage. You have a right to be happy.

The guy you are falling for? You dont know much about him right? He could be involved, married, he may not even be into women! Dont assume and build up a fantasy...slow down and get your life in order before running off after someone that may not be at all what you think they are.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2022):

You seem to be thinking only of the immediate joy of him being interested - if he is - which I doubt - instead of looking at how unfair it would be to your husband, the damage it would do to your relationship, and the many problems it would bring you, it could even lead to your husband ending your marriage.

How come you do not consider ending the marriage if it is so bad? Usually when women are sick of their husband this is what they do - especially if they have a job and can afford to get their own place! You can. You can work longer hours or change your job to one with more responsibility and better pay if you need to so that you can pay your way as a single woman. You also seem to forget that any man who is drawn to a married woman is usually a low life who is only after using her for sex. Not someone seeking love or something serious. You would just be a convenience, someone who saves him money on professional prostitutes, if this guy took up with you, knowing you are married. What sort of thing would that be? Not much. Great for him, rubbish for you. And then you would probably want him to rescue you from your boring marriage and let you go and live with him or leave his wife to be with you - which would not happen, because to him you are just a convenience who he drops when you get needy or serious. You are already talking far too serious for that sort of guy when nothing has happened yet.

People with morals end their relationship before they start a new one. It's the decent thing to do. No matter how boring your husband is he deserves to know the truth and be treated right. If you would treat a husband badly then what chance has a lover got of you doing the right thing and being fair to him? Any lover who hears that you think it is fine to cheat on husband - and lie to him - and plot behind his back and all the rest - will see you as a low life. Not someone to make a serious future with.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (17 July 2022):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntBeing in a relationship does not stop anyone feeling attracted towards other people. However, what you choose to do about that attraction is what defines your morals. You don't have to act on every feeling you get.

If you no longer love your husband, end the marriage before making eyes at another guy. You mention you are 12 years younger than your husband. Is it possible you have grown bored of him and are looking to replace him with a younger model?

It doesn't even sound like you know anything about the other guy. Is he even interested in you? Just because you have made eye contact a few times does not necessarily mean he is attracted to you. You may remind him of someone he knew, or there may be something about you which draws his eye (good or bad) or, as I suspect, because you keep looking at him, if he is looking around he is bound to make eye contact with you at some point. He may be married (and, unlike you, have strong morals and not want to cheat on his wife). He may even be gay. He may be single but simply not interested in you. You are basically lusting after someone you have made up in your imagination, possibly as an escape from your marriage.

Stop acting like a hormonal teenager and concentrate on your marriage. If it's not happy, end it cleanly and completely before messing with someone else.

Despite the title of the post (possibly entered by admin?) I don't read your post as this being a work colleague but rather someone who works somewhere you go (pub, restaurant, shop?). If he is, indeed, a work colleague, you are heading for huge drama if you keep trying to make any sort of contact with this guy. A workplace romance is usually the subject of much gossip, but an affair will make you the scarlet woman of the workplace. Your reputation will never recover.

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