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Married boss claimed to love me, kissed me and has now blocked me! Should I confront him?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Cheating, Crushes, Flirting, Forbidden love, Marriage problems, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 February 2018) 5 Answers - (Newest, 27 February 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, *londie8x writes:

Ok so basically me and this guy I work with who is assistant manager and is married.. used to get on so well. I used to call him my work bestie as we just clicked and always had a laugh.

Over the past couple of months I feel him getting closer to me. Opening up to me about his 'unhappy marriage' to his wife etc. He has put me forward for the next promotion and really supports me at work.

It firstly started with going for a drink after work, to messages to Me, to car sharing to work where there would be a fresh coffee waiting in his car for me every morning, to going for drinks in our spare time, to meeting even earlier for coffee before our shift began etc. I can see it now however at the time I really thought I was just being there for a friend through a rocky time as he did seem unhappy.

A couple of weeks ago I was out with my friend when he was out with his and he came and met us. Bought my drinks all night. Kept sitting next to me telling me he's besotted with me. My friend who also works with us even picked up on this as he apparently couldn't stop looking at me. We All got a taxi home and he invited me in for coffee which I shouldn't have done, but at the time he was breaking down upset and I felt sorry for him.

After this for an hour he poured his heart out to me. Saying he has massive feelings for Me, he does anything for me at work and goes out of his way to help me out, I'm the most beautiful girl in the world, I'm the one who got away, he has never felt this way before and when I walk him he feels a buzz etc. We kissed. I know it shouldn't have happened but it did as it was just in the moment and I was on the verge of breaking off my relationship.

I ended up pushing him off, reminding him he was married and that more than anything I see him as a friend. He then walked me home. The next day he messaged me for coffee which I declined. Then asked to take me to work again which I also declined. At work he approached me saying he knows he's been a dick but cares for me and wants to be there for me (through my break up etc).

That night I get home and he has removed me and blocked me on everything! What! No explanation or anything just gone. He doesn't speak to me at work. People have now picked up that me and him aren't speaking but I dont know what to tell them. He is above me so would get in to huge trouble if management found out. He came in the other day bragging about his date night with his wife, flirting with the other girls at work etc.

I don't care what he does in his life any more but what I do care about is that this is making me feel awkward at work. My promotion chances have probably gone out of the window now and I just don't know what to do. My two closest friends have said to approach him and confront him but if I do people will find out And he will get in trouble. And I can't message him because he has blocked me.

It's making me feel so stressed what can I do? What is all this about? I don't understand.

View related questions: at work, flirt, I work with

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2018):

To bad you are not in the USA because that is sexual harrasment.If you were here I would tell you to lawyer up and sue that bozo.Do you have sexual harrasment law's where you live?If you do sue his azz he deserves it.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (24 February 2018):

Honeypie agony auntSo he is a guy who takes advantage of younger (my guess) female coworkers - what a sleazy twat!

You really did dodge a bullet, just DO NOT let this guy be in charge of your career.

And learn from this. Keep romance out of the work place and don't be buddy buddy with bosses, especially not the ones who will act on a whim. You can be friendly, polite and professional (of course) - but keep REAL close hang out, get a drink friendships to your AWAY from work friends. While networking at work CAN include going out for a drink, that is fine - still try and keep it professional.

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A female reader, Blondie8x United Kingdom +, writes (23 February 2018):

Blondie8x is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Blondie8x agony auntThank you for your answers. I read them very carefully.

UPDATE: I have recently found out that he has bedded my colleague three times behind his wife's back.. and another colleague twice.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (23 February 2018):

CindyCares agony aunt I don't think this is as mysterious as it sounds to you. I ' d say that this was quite predictable.

He was all hot and bothered , as long as he thought he could finish what he had started , and get way more than just a kiss out of you, with only a minimal investment in term of his time and effort. But ( very wisely, congratulations ) you turned him down and declined all his offers, and... he lost steam and lost interest. The funny things is that most cheating husbands are also lazy. They want novelty, a little entertainment on the side, or even some comfort from the pain of an unravelling marital relationship ( although " my wife does not understand me " or " I am not happy in my marriage " is such an old, used and abused cliche' that perhaps it should be never taken literally as a statement of fact , but just as the typical opening line of a seduction attempt ). But they want it if they don't have to sweat it. If they have to sweat it even a just a little, then it not really worth their while . Particularly when, as in your case, they would be jeopardizing not only their marriage but also their career and reputation. In the sense that , if the affair is being served to them on a silver plate, they know they can get in trouble but hey , flesh is weak, man is not made of wood etc.etc. If they have to sweat it much.. nobody wants to sweat it ... to get in trouble :)

That's the explanation which sounds most probable to me; then again he could simply have had a change of heart realizing , same as you did after all, that going further was going to be a very bad idea with possible dangerous,negative ripercussions both at home and at work. You do not have the monopoly of wisdom and prudence :).

What do you do now ? nothing, except that you live and learn . What do you want to confront him about ? he is married ! , he has any right to NOT want to pursue you and to NOT want to bed you, even if he wanted it at some point previously !. And as for blocking your messages... he is your boss !, it is seldom a good idea to be particularly chummy with your employees ( familiarity breeds contempt.. ) or worse with one employee among and above all the others, that's a sure way to foster jealousy, gossips and resentments in the workplace. So, again, if he changed his mind and does not want to talk to you on a personal, not professional level- good for him, he can do that , and he °should° do that.

As for your chances of being promoted, I would not be so pessimistic. So far, what we know about this guy is that he is an unscrupolous husband and a horny guy- but that does not make him necessarily a spiteful, revengeful bastard who would destroy your career just because you did not want to go beyond kissing and weren't fast enough in dropping your knickers down.. Yes, I know that this kind of spiteful behaviour is not unheard of in the workplace, but , call ne naive, I still think and hope it's more the exception than the general rule.

But what if he actually IS the unlucky exception (.. a mean spiteful bastard ? )... Sigh... then you will have learned your lesson the hard way ,which is the best way in which you'll get it into your head : don't kiss your married boss. Ever. Don't flirt with him, don't let him flirt, don't follow him home, don't act on your attraction. It's really more trouble than it's worth it if things get messy as they often tend to do.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (23 February 2018):

Honeypie agony auntWell, several things could have happened.

1, his wife might have found out and told him it needs to stop or else.

2, management might have heard about it through the grape-vine and told him he needs to stop or else. This can EASILY be construed as sexual harassment and no one wants that at their company.

3. a coworker might have told him he needs to stop or else.

You get the point yet?

Or he is trying to PUNISH you for not jumping into bed with him and for trying to stick to your own moral code. I do think it partly 1,2, or 3 and DEFINITELY to punish you. He KNEW you were vulnerable when he went in for that kiss and he took FULL advantage of your apparent inexperience and being in a place where you own relationship wasn't working.

If I were you I'd look to see if a transfer is possible AWAY from this guy. HE IS NOT your friend. Don't be naive. This is a guy who wanted to get in your panties. Who sees the women at the office as playthings. He sounds like an UTTER twat!

If a promotion is WARRANTED (that you are really good at your job and CAN do to job that the promotion was about AND that is it AWAY from him) THEN go MARCH into his office and tell him you still want that promotion AWAY from working for him. I would USE his behavior as leverage if need be. SHOOT. I would HAVE no qualms with that.

(When I say if the promotions is warranted - I mean you actually deserve it and that he didn't offer it to try to get in your panties.)

And LEARN from this. Your MARRIED boss should not be your "best bud" or "drinking buddy" and you should NOT be his soundboard for his WHINING about his wife and marriage. THAT IS UTTERLY inappropriate. You NEED to NIP stuff like this in the bud. This is not appropriate at work, not what HE did but not you playing along either - you NEED to shut things like that DOWN ASAP. You have some culpability too. You need to learn how to set boundaries and STICK to them. Mostly though, I think you have handled this well by NOT sleeping with him and going home instead.

You mentioned TWICE - I shouldn't have... With the kiss and the coming in for coffee. YET you still did it because you are still young and still not quite comfortable in saying NO, this is not good.

While I DO think the majority of the FAULT lays with him. He is the superior here, he is also older (I guess) and should KNOW better. But he is GOOD at manipulating and using charm.

And yes, I DO think you need to take the bull by the horns and "confront" him and I also think you need to talk to HR. This needs to stop.

This guy should NOT have control over your promotions and career because you didn't want to jump into bed with a married man. He needs to learn how to behave at the office and TREAT his subordinates & coworkers.

YOUR livelihood should NOT revolve around his DICK!

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