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I've accepted his past so why can't he move past mine?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Sex, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (26 February 2018) 6 Answers - (Newest, 27 February 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Hi I'm 18 and my boyfriend of nearly two months is 19. When we first met (a couple of months before we started dating) we spoke about our body counts. I've been with a few guys and he's been with a few girls, nothing major or too far, just as you'd expect really. It didn't really bother him when we just started getting to know eachother and before we were dating. Recently we were just talking about it again, like to get to know eachother better and know eachother a stories I guess. So I told him. Basically mine were mainly silly short term flings unfortunately. His weren't much better but one was a serious girlfriend. He says that my stories bother him and he even said on that one occasion that it somewhat makes him not want to get close to me, which to me seems like he's disgusted by me and by my past which I can't change. He's days he can't stand the thought of me with other guys, which I get completely cos I can't stand the thought of him with other girls. But it seems like it really bothers him and I don't know what to do to put his mind at ease. Why can't he just accept it and move on like I was also forced to do?

View related questions: move on

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A female reader, DancerGirl1984 United Kingdom +, writes (27 February 2018):

I do not know why women and men think it's appropriate to share each others past relationships. It's no ones business. I'd find it disrespectful if I was asked the number of sexual partners I had before him. I'd clearly tell him that it's none of his damn business and if he is so insecure about it then he can bugger off lol.

Never apologise for your past and don't let him make you feel bad either about it either.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2018):

Did he develop this aversion to your past before or after he had sex with you?

Unfortunately, guys seem to set a double-standard for girls. I don't think the topic of "body-counts" is an appropriate discussion between two people who want date and eventually commit to each other. Oversharing such information usually opens a can of worms. Most people who need to know that, aren't secure enough to handle it. It falls under the heading: "None of your business!" Neither of you can go back and undo your past or reverse time. Who the hell is he to judge you anyway???

You should only want to know if your partner is STD-free, HIV-neg, doesn't have herpes; and not currently committed or married to anyone. Then you should always use condoms, if you have consensual-sex. Get tested together if you plan to have a long-term relationship.

How many people you diddled in your past should be kept to yourself. Regardless of gender. Sharing too much detail of your intimate-history borders on vulgar; and it is definitely opening a Pandora's Box. An insecure guy with a small penis is a total pain! The less he knows the better!

Guys only ask you that to judge you; and most women ask because they're insecure and don't trust you. Which is it? You don't even have to share whether or not you're a virgin; unless you and the guy are committed, and about to have sex. If you're both devout Muslims, I guess you had better be a virgin! You will definitely be judged!

Don't push it any further. He should respect you and stay out of your past. If he truly likes you, he will treat you well; and this topic will never come-up again. I doubt he's that mature; and I don't think you should have to convince him not to judge you. He has no right to!!!

If he disrespects you, and you continue to pursue him; you are only torturing yourself. You would be allowing him to degrade you as a woman, and devalue you as a person. That is beneath your dignity, uncalled for, and you should never allow any man to put you down.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (26 February 2018):

Honeypie agony auntNeither of you are FORCED to "just" move on and make things work.

Some people they CAN handle that their partner has had a past and a life (including a sex-life) before they met and some can't.

HE is in the latter group. And that WILL not change. He will keep bringing this up and bang around with it making you feel worse and worse for having had said past and for not being able to change said past - which... IS POINTLESS!

Learn from this DO NOT go into "story time" mode about your sexual past with a new guy. Don't get into numbers or sexual things you have tried or what not. LEAVE the past in the past. While I do think people can (and should) talk about their past - just keep the details to a minimum. Telling someone too many details is just not productive or helpful to build a new relationship - it's like OVER SHARING. I don't think many people BOND over sharing or swapping past relationship/hook up stories.

I really think N91 is right in that you NEED to tell him if he keeps bringing up your past and how he HATES you having one, then maybe you two are not a good fit.

Don't STAY with him just to try and "prove" that you CAN have a long term relationship. Especially if he makes you feel like CRAP for having had a life before you met him.

And if this is an ISSUE here in the beginning it WILL be an ISSUE as the relationship continues. Because he is basically saying " I like her... but...."

For me? It's a clear sign that you two are NOT a good fit long term.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (26 February 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntP.S. Forgot to add, do NOT, under any circumstances, feel you need to apologize to him for your past.

P.P.S. Make sure you are using effective contraception.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom +, writes (26 February 2018):

N91 agony auntThere's nothing you can do here, this is on HIM.

I don't think he will ever get over this to be honest, you either suffer from retroactive jealousy or you don't there's not really an inbetween. He will more than likely need therapy of some sort to get over this as I doubt him will get over this on his own.

I'd say something along the lines of 'if this is going to be a recurring issue then I think it's better than we dont keep seeing each other'. I think things like his highlight underlying jealousy and control issues.

I'd give him a chance to correct things but monitor it very closely and if he brings it up in future I'd end things before they get any deeper.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (26 February 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntWell, obviously you were not "forced" to do anything. You are mature enough to be able to think "he comes with a past and, while I may not like it, there is nothing I can do to change it so I have to accept it".

I wonder whether part of his reluctance to get close to you is that he thinks you will hurt him by dumping him? Caution like that I could understand. Nobody wants to leave themselves vulnerable to being hurt.

However, if his only concern is that you actually HAVE a bit of a past, then be very careful about getting in any deeper with him. It will start with what he is saying now but will progress to him demanding complete control of you. If you see even the smallest signs of this, run and don't look back. I am talking about signs like demanding you delete your male friends' contacts, not wanting you to see friends and family, not allowing you to go out without him. Please don't let this happen to you.

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