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Is this something to stick with?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 April 2017) 6 Answers - (Newest, 3 May 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Now just so you know my partner does not want to leave me ....however should I leave him??? I have been through a lot in life I grew up with a compulsive liar for a mother (not spoke to parents for 2yrs)..I have also lost a child when he was 11yrs old my youngest son who is now 10 yrs old is ill to and will die young ...all this has took his toll and I live with constant heartache this makes me very irritable and my partner takes the brunt of it. He is also a compulsive liar which doesn't help as life is a guessing game in many ways we do have great times as a couple and a family but most days I am shouting at some point I do have lots of stress but should I end things so my partner can lead a stress free life .. (he's not my son's dad) but they adore each other i have had counselling

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (3 May 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntYou have suffered a lot, but I won't think being with a liar is good for you, not after your mother being one. If you are thinking off leaving him then do it for yourself and not him.

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom +, writes (1 May 2017):

Denizen agony auntYou say, at the end, you have had counselling. What conclusion did you reach with your counsellor? Are you posting here because you don't want to make the move you already decided on?

Probably at some time you have listed the pros and cons. But leaving a relationship is scary. However, if you think about it, all the troubles you have survived so far in your life have made you stronger. You know you can survive a lot. You have done it already.

So start to get organised. You know things need to change. Start making little moves towards achieving your goals.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2017):

No, it is not something you stick with. Why would someone who has been through so much want to remain in a relationship with a liar? You're always shouting and arguing; because you don't trust him.

I think you'd answer your own question; if you re-read your post. You both have serious problems; and children need stability and peace. They deserve a happy home!

You don't have to be in a relationship for your son to remain friends; but you will have to ween him off seeing the guy gradually. He's not the child's father. Your son is too ill to have to endure your volatile relationship with a man you call a compulsive liar!

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A female reader, AnnalisaV United Kingdom +, writes (30 April 2017):

AnnalisaV agony auntHello,

first of all, I am so sorry for all your pain.

You are still grieving, which is natural and necessary. It is important that you acknowledge that, because it is all too easy to think that we are being unreasonable and too imperfect for the people around us, when we are most in need of comfort.

Your partner loves you, he knows your pain and he chooses you, he chooses to do all he can to be your partner: a couple is a team and it is part of the deal to support one another when things are tough. Let him :)

Of course, truth and honesty are important, so talk to him, explain to him that truth will never hurt as much as the the absence of trust. You see, many people think that a lie will save upset and disappointment, they think that a little white lie will be the best choice, so they become compulsive liars when actually they began with all the best intentions! Help him to grow with your guidance :)

Ultimately, pain and loss are part of life and, although it makes us so angry, we must focus on the good times, cherish the opportunity of life and unity, but allow ourselves and our loved ones to grow through the experiences of pain.

I shall share this with you:

I lost my mum as a child, I lost 2 babies, then soon after moving to another part of the country, I lost my father suddenly to a vicious cancer. I lost my faith in God, I saw no point in doing anything at all.

Then one day I walked along the beach and stopped to observe the sea: waves and ripples gathered here and there in sea-horses, travelling, growing and reaching the sand... only to disappear back into the sea.

It suddenly hit me: the world, every cell in our bodies, every breath, we are all one like the sea. Our human lives are the expression and opportunity for love, but ultimately we are eternal, our soul, our energy flows constant, but our bodies are little different from the sea horses.

It occurred to me that every tear my father had ever shed must have travelled around the world a thousand times over, as clouds, as rain and food of the same plants and flowers that live within the eternal cycle.

I have made myself get out and do things, anything almost, trying new things, especially where being around people and volunteering is involved. I have found my faith again and I have began to look at my living children with a new eye: instead of fretting for their health, risks and what I used to see as my failures in teaching them, I guide them and help them through their experience of the world and understanding and application of my teachings, but most importantly, I encourage them to understand and use painful experiences, rather than fear them. After all, they have lost people too and my stress and anger was of no help.

In short, allow yourself to be loved, have some fun, make the most of the joy of today and fear not pain, just love through it and you will be ok x

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A male reader, Myau New Zealand +, writes (30 April 2017):

Myau agony auntYour not really clear on what your angry about.

Your sons health is a huge issue and I hope he will be ok. Also I'm sorry about your other child. I only have one daughter and would be miserable if anything ever happened to her.

As for your partner, he needs counselling too as he lies to much as you claim.

I was with a compulsive liar and decided that she was just not worth it. But you will have too see for yourself.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2017):

Losing a child at a young age is very difficult to overcome and the sorrow remains until you find peace within yourself.

It is commendable that you have established a relationship with someone who gets on well with your remaining child!

However you have fallen back into familiar traditions and set yourself up with someone who is a compulsive liar like your mum!

This is the bit that worries me.

It is very difficult to break the cycle of abuse and you should continue counselling to unravel as much as you can!

It must be a very difficult and chaotic life for you and I really wouldnt care to guess what damage this guy is capable of.

What we can be sure of is that he will always lie to you and this abnormal situation is your normality and reality.

Seek help from every angle you can!

Join womens friendship groups and proritise yourself and your child.

While your lying boyfriend maybe a happy clown for your youngster, it seems unlikely that he will be there for you when you need him!

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