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I'm tired of being blindsided by being told stuff I've done wrong

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 November 2014) 4 Answers - (Newest, 28 November 2014)
A male United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I have no clue how to respond or handle my girlfriend. She has this habit of blindsiding me when I least expect it. We will spend a few days in a row together and I will think everything is great and amazing. Next thing I know, I'm waking up to a 10 page novel, highlighting all the terrible things I apparently did that I was oblivious to. This has always happened and it kills me. It really hurts me.

This time, for example, we spent three days in a row together. We laughed and I genuinely thought we had a great time together. We had one or two little bumps in the road about little things, but they were nothing I would have ever thought twice about. She left last night then sent me a massive text message this morning highlighting how I made her feel terrible about some things that truly shocked me. I have no clue how I made her feel so terrible.

For example, I had had my car illegally towed from my apartment complex the other day and I looked up the law and had them bring me my car back. I told my gf I was thinking about posting copies of the law in every hallway so people could be aware of their rights. She talked me out of it and told me not to make a big issue out of this since I'd gotten my property back. I agreed and let it go. Then my roommate told me about a handful of other people she personally spoke to that the same thing had happened to them and she told me to post the law around since a lot of people apparently got screwed. My gf was right there at the time, and I simply said that she had managed to talk me out of it at first, but that maybe it was a good idea. Then I asked her her thoughts. She said she supported it this time since so many others rights were violated. And that she retracted her original thought that I shouldn't. That was it. It was over after that. But I wake up to reading how truly terrible I made her feel about that whole situation and how wrong it was of me to blame everything.

Also, I worry about her, and we generally text each other when we make it to work, etc, to let the other know we made it safely. She's bad about letting me know. Sometimes she tells me and other times she doesn't. And I've never ever gotten mad at her for this. Last night, she didn't let me know she made it to work, and I messaged her and asked if she had made it safely. She responded later in the night that she had. I told her I was glad she had made it safely. That was it. Well that night, while speaking on the phone, I had asked her to call me in the morning before she headed to her families place for Thanksgiving. Then I cracked a smartass joke, trying to be funny, stating that "well, at least call me if you remember to, since that's not your specialty." It was truly supposed to be a lighthearted jab and she exchanges them with me all the time and I just laugh because it's funny. Never once have I been actually mad at her for not remembering to let me know or getting too busy. The next thing I know, I'm waking up to being told how horrible I made her feel and how unfair it was of me, and how she deserves better.

How the heck can I stop myself from somehow hurting this girl when I apparently have no clue I'm even doing it?? I'm tired of feeling so guilty and apologizing for doing things I never even intended to do. I certainly never meant to make her feel bad!

View related questions: roommate, text

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2014):

Agreed. Tell her she has to say there and then when there is a problem because this is ridiculous.

To demonstrate how insane this is, You could even ask her after each hang out if she had a good time and if there is any ranting she would like to get out of the way in person.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (28 November 2014):

chigirl agony auntYour girlfriend sounds like a person who would drive me insane. If I were you Id tell her point blank that this crap needs to end. If she cant tell you then and there what is up and how she feels, then she does not get to have a go at you for it later on. Its either she expresses how she feels and deals with it then and there, or not at all. Tell her if she sends you more rants like these, you will just ignore them. You will delete them and ignore them. If it is soooo important to her to talk to you, then she can wait and talk to you in person.

If she is unable to express herself, then I would think about wether or not she is mature enough to be in a relationship. Because this is childish. You have my full sympathy. I applaud your patience, I would probably just have dumped her after the first two times it happened.

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A male reader, Xearo Trinidad and Tobago +, writes (28 November 2014):

I think this is something she has to learn because she shouldn't be (obviously) overeating to these things like teasing or disagreeing with her. She should know that you are not intentionally hurting her so I think she is not seeing the real you. This is a part where you need to step back and analyze the relationship, who you are and who you want to be, and who she is and who she wants to be.

What I mean is, you sort of have to put your foot down at some point and stop accepting the responsibility of burdening emotions of disappointment from her when you are not doing something wrong. Are you part of the solution? Or are you part of the problem? When she mistrusts you, are you going let her make you feel bad? Do you become overly apologetic when you've hurt her? Why are you apologizing for something that you didn't do wrong?

You are trying your best and she needs to do that too. She won't reach that point if you keep giving in to her emotions and she wont become any stronger.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada +, writes (27 November 2014):

janniepeg agony auntFirst thing I would tell you is that you are a good boyfriend and did nothing wrong. It must be torturous to have a brain like hers, always suspecting people trying to hurt them. She is not very trusting and not able to turn off the negative voices in her head. Her strong wall of defense became offense to you. Something must have happened in her life that caused her to be so paranoid.

Texting has become everyone's habit now and it is indeed convenient. One thing that changes the tone is through the use of emoticons. With a suspicious mind like hers, it helps to add lots of smileys, blinks and kisses so she is reassured that you mean no harm in your texts.

Have a stern talk with her, you are a good person, positive too, so you have no reason to judge her for anything. Compliment her more. At the same time tell her you feel hurt too, when she complains about you. Whenever she sends you pages of texts tell her you are just going to take a note of it, that's it. You take no responsibility to her bad feelings, which most of the time she's brought upon herself. You could even respond with something like, "didn't that feel good, getting all that out of your chest?" You should be confident with your qualities and ability to make someone happy. At the end it depends on her whether she is going to change. She might have to learn it the hard way that if she doesn't stop what she is doing, she is pushing people away and she could lose a supportive person in her life.

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