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I'm so relieved he dumped me, but I do feel dirty and gross.

Tagged as: Breaking up, Teenage<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 September 2019) 9 Answers - (Newest, 7 October 2019)
A female United States age 18-21, anonymous writes:

I'm 14 years old and was just dumped by my first boyfriend. I am not sad, I am relieved! Literally when we hung up, I said, "thank God that's finally over!"

Having a boyfriend was not what I thought it would be.i thought I'd have a guaranteed date to dances, football games, movies, dinner, and things like that. Marc never ONCE took me on a real date.

I mean, we saw Alladdin,but he made out with me the whole time and I felt embarrassed and dirty and mad because we were in public and I wanted to see the movie!

He's 16 and he dated my friend Katja before but she dumped him since he tried to put his hand down her pants. I don't want a boyfriend ever again but everyone is trying to set me up with a boyfriend

I asked why we didn't go on dates and only made out and Marc said we only saw each other once a week and my foster mom listens to my phone calls since the other three kids are siblings and little.

Marc said I'm not cute enough to be wined and dined, whatever that means

What do I do? Ifeel gross now

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A female reader, Dionee' South Africa +, writes (7 October 2019):

Dionee' agony auntOP, this Marc kid sounds like a little creep who was never worth your time. It's good that you've figured out what dating in today's world can be sometimes so hopefully you will hold off on dating other guys now until you're a bit older and better prepared.

If you don't want a boyfriend, you should be honest with the people that are trying to set you up. They should respect your boundaries regardless of what they want for you. You know what you want and you should have your wishes respected.

He said that you aren't cute because he is mean, immature and inconsiderate of other people's feelings. That has NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with how horrible he is.

There are other things to focus on in the meanwhile like going out to do all of those things like eating and watching movies with your friends and focus on your school work and family life too. It will help being yourself for a bit and just enjoying life as a teenager. You will have plenty of time later on to date. Enjoy being young.

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A female reader, AddisonMae United States +, writes (5 October 2019):

Thanks everyone! I tried to respond earlier but it wouldn't let me send it. I don't expect boys to spend a lot of $ on me, McDonald's hot cocoa is fine for A date. Or even going to the zoo on free entry day. I guess I'm not cute b/c I'm biracial and I have crazy hair. Also, I'm 5'10" and really skinny

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2019):

All I can tell you is learn from it.

We all make mistakes..and the important thing there is you know how to move on and learn from it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2019):

I hope u realize there are things more important that having a bf at 13 years old.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2019):

Marc is a horrible little rat and he is the gross one. Just because he was a terrible boyfriend, he wants to make you feel like that's your fault. Ignore him. You don't need to have a boyfriend if you don't want one and to be quite honest, at your age, boys are going to be a disapointment.

Don't get involved with someone just for the sake of being in a relationship.

Get involved with the person you meet who makes you feel like you're absolutely dying to be with them.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2019):

This makes my blood boil!

This 'Marc' is a silly ignorant little boy who's parents should be thoroughly ashamed!

I say that because I have a 14 yr old son with more maturity and respect than this little fool. He should also be reported to the police for trying to put his hands down your friends pants and this would be classed as attempted rape of a minor.

You are not gross, quite the opposite, you are a sensible bright young girl who had a lucky escape. I'm glad you are not upset by the break up but saddened that you took his idiotic line to heart - you're cute enough to make out with but not enough to be wined and dined? That's code for 'I don't have the money of energy to make the effort so I go for younger girls who will think i'm cool just because i'm 16'. He is a twit sweetheart and possible every girl his own age knows it!

You are right to be relieved about 'being dumped' however I think you should have gotten in there first before he had the opportunity to make you feel bad about yourself.

There is no harm in having a male friend at your age however I would stress that having a male friend who is two years older is unwise as you may now be aware. This Marc has taught you that many 16 yr old boys are just looking for one thing as their hormones are raging. I would also say it is unwise to be alone 'on a date' with a male friend - especially one with Marc's reputation. Your Foster Mum sounds like she knows this and is looking out for you - be grateful to her.

My point is, stay away from 16 yr old least until you are 16 yourself. What's more, tell your friends if they wish to remain 'friends' then they will stop trying to put you in a vulnerable position by setting you up with boys like this knowing it's not what you want. I would also cut contact with Marc, even if that means changing your social circle. Surround yourself by nicer people - they are out there...and nicer boys are out there who think similar to yourself.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (28 September 2019):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntOh sweetheart, sending hugs. I know how much many children in care need to feel loved. Obviously I don't know your background story, why you are in foster, but have a friend who works in care and hear so many sad stories of the need of young people in care to feel loved. Many are VERY sad (older men telling these girls what they need to hear so they can exploit them).

You need to put this down to experience and realize you were looking in the wrong place for love. All this child was interested in was giving you a good mauling. His parting comment to you just proves what an insecure immature user he is. He couldn't let you go without trying to make you feel bad about yourself. That says everything about HIM and NOTHING about you. Remember that. He had no problem with your "cuteness" when you were allowing him to maul you. By all means, feel gross about what he did but not about who YOU are.

You are wise to not want to date again until you are ready. Dating is great if you are with the right person, someone who respects you and wants to spend quality time with you, talking and doing other stuff which interests you both. It is NOT fun if you end up with an immature jerk like you did last time.

Everything that happens to us is an experience and goes towards making us the people we will eventually be. Not all experiences are good but they are all useful. Put this episode down to a not-so-good experience and take some lessons away from it. (1) Before you date anyone else, learn to say "no" and mean it. (2) Remember you are special and deserve someone who makes you feel good about yourself. If that is not happening, walk away. (3) Listen to your friends if they tell you a guy is a loser. Learn from THEIR experience and don't go there. (4) Learn not to succumb to peer pressure. Know what you want and stick to it.

You sound like a sensible young lady. You have the rest of your life ahead of you. The next time you date, do it because you have met someone you really like and want to get to know better.

Sending hugs again. The guy was a loser, honey. You dodged a bullet. Thank your lucky stars he is in your past.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2019):

Marc was too old, and you are too young for dating. If your foster mother monitors your calls, odd she didn't notice you were dating a guy too old for you!

I'm guessing your foster-mom didn't know he was 16! Either that, or you kept him a secret. Why would you date a boy your friend told you tried to put his hands down her pants? Something tells me you were sneaking out with this guy!

It is highly unlikely you'll be "wined and dined" by teenage-boys; who earn minimum-wage, if they even have a job!

If he's 16, he's not going to take you places kids his age hangout! He'd look ridiculous with a 14 year-old kid! He took you where nobody could see you, and he tried to take advantage of you. He didn't take you anywhere because he knew he shouldn't be with a girl your age!!!

Most of the time, someone his age gets their money from summer-jobs, or an allowance from his parents. Unless they have parents who earn a lot of money; they won't be able to afford many dates out. You might get a movie or game here or there. He'd look silly taking a little-girl to a dance! You're only 14! Even makeup won't hide the fact, you look like a child playing dress-up!

Well, don't feel dirty. You didn't do anything wrong, you're just too young to be dating a 16 year-old boy!!!

You say you are 14; but if it turns-out you are younger, or he is older! He's in a world of trouble! Especially, if he had sex with an under-aged girl!

You're smart enough to hide these details, until something bothers you so much you have to tell somebody. If that is the case, sweetheart; you have to tell your foster mom, or someone you trust! If he is older than 16 and you are younger than 14, he broke the law! The age of consent differs from state to state. If he is really 17 or 18, and your state considers you under-aged; you have to tell someone!

If you can't stop feeling dirty, it's because maybe you're too young and he went too far! You have to tell someone, sweetheart!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (28 September 2019):

Honeypie agony auntEh, honey... WE all make mistakes, THIS was one of yours (and yes you will make more, so learn to let go of regret, but at the same time TAKE responsibility for YOUR part in it and LEARN from it.)

So you said yes to dating a loser and it was a bad experience. Next time, be more picky. And IF a guy tries to stick his tongue down your throat during a movie you WANT to see, tell him no, I want to watch the movie, if he whines or get mad - YOU get rid. (You DUMP the moron, OK?)

IT IS OK to say no. REMEMBER that!

If your friend dates a boy and then dumps him because he behaves inappropriately (and yes, trying to stick his hands in her pants IS inappropriate IF she didn't want it or if she is also only 14.) Don't date a friend's "left-overs". IF he wasn't "good enough" for her... HE isn't good enough for you, OK?

A 16 year old BOY might try and test your boundaries a LOT more than someone your own age, but of course a BOY at 14 can't drive so dates would be with a parent/foster parent driving and perhaps chaperoning but rather THAT than dating someone who thinks that you should be OK with being groped.

You said :"Marc said I'm not cute enough to be wined and dined, whatever that means" HE really ONLY meant to HURT you when he said that. But in REALITY (outside of Marc narrow dumb little teenage-boy brains) it means that the BOY has NO idea what to do when you date a girl, how to treat a girl or what is appropriate and what is not. So, DO NOT take what he said personal, it's really not. It just shows his immaturity.

You feel gross? Don't. HE is the gross one, and YOU are now NO LONGER dating a gross boy.

My 15 year old dated a 16 year old kid and while they were rarely ever alone ANYWHERE, he still tried to "make moves on her" and she dumped him. Told him that wasn't going to happen and perhaps he should look elsewhere. She also felt gross and embarrassed that she had dated this guy, but like I told you (above) WE ALL make mistakes. She had agreed to dating him because she was flattered that he liked her, which REALLY isn't a good reason to date. As she didn't really have ANYTHING in common with him.

BE OK with YOU making mistakes. Beating yourself up over these mistakes is NOT a good idea. It's a waste of time. Instead? LEARN to DO better next time.

BE OK with saying no, having a standard for what you expect, setting boundaries and being OPEN to talk with a BF. IF HE doesn't like you saying no or suggesting why don't we do A B C? Then HE isn't for you.

If a guy treats you like you "OWE" him to grope, touch, make out with you. Then HE isn't for you. ALL that should be mutual and at 14... well, to be honest, it should WAIT.

If friends try and set you up, just tell them: "No thanks, I'm taking a break from dating." Again, OP it's OK to say no.

You are a Freshman in High-school, correct? JUST because you are in High-school now doesn't mean you have to do things you aren't ready for, willing to do or interested in. There is NO hurry to date or do "couply" things. If you want to go to a dance GO with someone who is a friend or a group of friends, you will probably have more fun that way anyhow.

Chin up and remember, it's OK to say no, no thanks or heck no!

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