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I'm having trouble getting over my girlfriend's past

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 November 2008) 19 Answers - (Newest, 14 January 2011)
A male United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I'm having trouble getting over my girlfriend's past.

She is a virgin, so with her being a virgin, I believed she had never done anything remotely sexual.

I was wrong. Within the first 3 months she told me about flashing some random mexicans. It upset me because I never knew about it (and I had been her friend for 2 years). I asked her if that was everything that she did and she said it was.

Then we were talking and she tells me a NEW story about kissing one of the mexicans. Apparently it was a 2nd time. It upset me because she said the last thing was it but she forgot about this. I asked her if that was it and she said yes.

Then, a third story. She had seen his penis too. So I'm even more upset over this because I asked her twice if that was it. I asked her this time if that was it and I told her to make damn sure I wasn't going to hear new stories about it later. She thought about it for a day and told me she was dared by her friend (who is a promiscous whore. She sleeps with whoever, whenever she wants) to let one of them touch her bare breasts. This upset me but I mostly hated her friend for putting her in these situations and for pressuring her. Also, to be noted, she liked me at the time.

I got over that in time. I was doing good and it usually bothered me about twice a month for about 5 minutes.

The other night I found out she almost had sex. This was troubling too. She told me about it and how she said no, but it still bothered me. So we talked about it last night. I finally get the full story and apparently she had talked to her friend about having sex so she would be experienced for me cause she liked me. Her friend (the same one with the mexicans) told her it would be a great idea and said shed hook her up with her fuck buddy Tyrell. And she considered it for awhile. Then they got a ride from him one day and in usual fashion, her friend and the guy go into another room and she starts to blow him. Her friend comes out and says "tyrell wants to know if you want a turn." In which my girlfriend replied no.

I told her I wish she hadn't let her friend pressure her and that she had learned to say no more often. Then she says she never let her friend pressure her.

I brought up the mexicans again because now, she may have WANTED to do all those things. But we talked about it and she realized that she let her friend pressure her a lot more than she realized.

Bear in mind that my girlfriend says she never kept anything from me intentionally. That she tries to forget her past and that she remembers things from time to time. She knows everything about my past. I told her everything. (Except one thing that i thought I told her but didn't). I've had sex before in past relationships. I've done stuff. Why does her past bother me so much? Is it because she liked me the whole time? Idk. I know that I need to get over it and let it go but I don't know what to do or where to begin. Those things that happened made her into the girl that I love so dearly. She changed from those stories. She's nothing like she used to be back then. So why can't I let it go!?

I don't want her to cry any more over her past upsetting me.

View related questions: breasts, fuck buddy, her past, kissing

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2011):

bro, here's my practical advice:

1. stop thinking and asking her about the details from this very moment so that there is only your thoughts issue left to be solved

2. follow the advices mentioned on this page (they involve energy manipulation + self hypnosis techniques - only for serious people) : http://www.paravisible.com/how-to-forget-something-about-past/

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2009):

Brother, I'm 44 years old and I've dated (literally) hundreds of women; different races, religions, shape and ages. One common thread that runs through each and every one of those relationships is "TRUST". "IF" you cannot trust a women/girl because she lies to you, tell her you just want her friendship and nothing more - a relationship infused with lies is doomed.

If a women (anyone for thst fact) knows she can lie to you and get away with it, she will lose respect for you and eventually treat you like a fool; you will become her emotional tampon. She will cry and lie to your face ANYTIME she needs to keep from getting busted.

After reading your story, I recommend you keep THIS GIRL at arms length, i.e., friends, nothing more.

It sounds as if she will CONTINUE to lie to you whenever it suits her.

"IF" you do eventually have sex, what would happen if she became pregnant? Would "doubt" creep into your mind (based on her past lying) that the child was YOURS? "OR" suppose after having sex, you contract (knock on wood) an STD? Would she cover up by lying and say "oh, I've NEVER had sex..so "I" didn't give you this STD."

- Take care man. Good luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2009):

If she's lying now she will not stop.

Don't get attached to this one!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2008):

Man, life's not perfect, and the sooner you realize this the sooner you'll learn to accept the past and move on. You can't change the past so forgive and forget. What's important is now and thats ALL THAT MATTERS!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2008):

Man your story is outrageous i had a similar incident you just have to look past rhe past and keep it moving

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2008):

Hey, I know its my problem. And she cries because she told me to talk to her when something upsets me. Anything at all and she does the same for me. We try to talk about and work on all of our problems.

If I didn't think I was being rediculous would I have asked for help? Asking for help is the first step in admitting its your problem. Don't attack me for asking for help. That's an awful thing to do to someone. It could drive people away from asking for help if they see or hear this negativity.

To the people who gave GOOD advice, I thank you. Me and her are talking about it right now and I can honestly say that I'm able to talk about it and work on it with your advice. Your're right. Her past doesn't matter. I was unfair and I knew that. Which is why I asked for help. Thank you to those who actually helped me.

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A female reader, Jizelle United Kingdom +, writes (28 November 2008):

You have to bear in mind, shes NOT a different person. Shes the exact same girl she was when you first got together, she had still done all those things, you just didn't know about them. Nobody comes into a new relationship with a clean slate (you obviously havent either) but what has happened in the past is exactly that. In the past. You cant go back in time and change it, so worrying about it won't help.

You care about this girl, she obviously cares about you, so you cant let the past destroy your future. Talk about it, agree to leave the past where it belongs, and move on.

good luck

xxxxxxxxxx

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A female reader, aunty_rach United Kingdom +, writes (28 November 2008):

why does it matter if she has had sexual experiences in the past? before i had sex i had still given hand jobs,etc to ex's. it's not big deal.

if you dont like hearing about her past stories then dont ask about them. it's simple. forget the past and concentrate on what you have now.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2008):

No, definitely do not ask her for every detail. This will almost certainly affect you negatively and you will just end up resenting her, your love will turn to bitterness and rejection and worse still, she will end up resenting you, feel rejected, like a slut and your relationship will be dead before it even got started.

Seriously, you want to avoid as much visual stimulus as possible. Her telling you these details was what started the problem, by getting every single detail that she could possibly remember would leave you feeling so much worse.

It might be worth sending a message to "Yos" as he kindly deals with this topic often and can give you very excellent advice.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2008):

Nobody is perfect mate....I think you should stop putting this girl some place she should not be. At the end of the day you and her are young. If she has, or has not had sex yet....dose it really matter...it's whats in the heart

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2008):

What is your deal? She is a virgin for got sakes... She is a great girl, your in a great relationship, but your destroying it over NOTHING!

Your extremely way too jealous over this. Your girlfriend is human like anyone else, and if she interacted with another male on a physical level then that is something you will just have to accept. You cant expect her to have waited for you her whole life.

You think you got it bad? Imagine the guy who hooks up with your girl friends promiscuous whore friend, what kind of situation he is going to be in when he finds out... You got it easy man, you should take it easy.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2008):

I can't believe some women allow their b/f to make them feel guilty over their past. If she's crying over it, you must keep bringing it up or having a go at her? This is your problem, not hers. Never bring it up to her again and remember how ridiculous it is as she barely did anything.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2008):

I trust her. And her friend truly was a horrible influence and she knows that and doesn't hang out with her anymore. She had terrible friends. But I don't want to get into that because I'd only get mad at how selfish her friends were and how badly they treated her. I do love her. I love her so much. I think posting on here and asking for help is proof that i love her and I want to get over this.

She's the best. The most amazing girlfriend I've ever had and she makes me so happy. It upsets me that her past upsets me because she's so good to me. I don't know what I'd do if I lost her.

I think, I just needed to talk to people about this cause I feel tons better and I'm turning into what we call a "love volcano" (overflowing and bursting with love like a volcano. Its lame and we know it but oh well lol. We're sickeningly cute 98% of the time)

Thank you everyone for helping me and not judging me even though what she did wasn't that bad and I'm being ridiculous. I'm definitely coming back to this site when I need help.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2008):

Eve, peter.

That was extremely helpful. The only other advice I had gotten was to have her try to remember everything and tell me so I could bury it.

I thought this was the best option but I think if I deal with it and get over it then when its brought up it won't upset me as much.

I understand that this sounds ridiculous of me. That's why I'm asking for help.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2008):

I can understand how you feel... which is why i never ask about my bfs past... cause i know i'll get jealous...

But I think the real reason is because she liked you the whole time she was doing these things...so you feel kind like...like her feelings for you weren't strong enough...

basically you put her in this pure place...and when you found those things out it kinda tainted your image

none of those things meant anything to her

to tell you the truth first time i kissed this guy i was crazy about I was so lost i wish i had kissed some random dude first to not have embarrassed myself

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2008):

Hey

Your problem around your age is really common. It's not really understood by some women, as they tend to feel that you are criticising them, or judging them, so you tend to get a reactionary reply that isn't very helpful.

The trouble you are having has come up in hundreds of questions on this website, it might be worth using the search engine on words like "past" and "girlfriend" and you will find tons of very helpful and detailed answers from people who have been in your situation.

I know you are going through a lot of pain now, and whilst this isn't probably helpful right now, I assure you it is all part of maturing and as you get older and experienced with women and relationships, you will come to terms with sexual identity and other kind of emotional relationships that you have begun to have and experienced.

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A female reader, AskEve United Kingdom +, writes (28 November 2008):

AskEve agony auntYou have strong feelings for your girlfriend and are proud of the fact she's never been touched by anyone else, she's been put up on a pedestal by you then this! Of course it's going to hurt you. The very thought of another guy coming onto her or touching her in any way makes you feel sick! You look on her as YOUR woman (not to be confused with your property). Now that she's told you about her past it's knocked all those images you had about her right out the window and the fact that she was pressured into doing what she does (by her friend) just makes it worse right?

Okay the positives - she had enough common sense NOT to do anything with these guys. She tried to be as liberal and open as her friend but she knew it wasn't in her. Good for her I say, she has respect for herself and stopped things before they got out of hand. She's still a virgin and she was honest with you. Even when she volunteered the first bit of information, she still wanted to get everything out in the open so she had absolutely no secrets from you. Remember, she didn't have to tell you... she chose to!

She made some silly mistakes yes, but they weren't major ones, she has obviously got good morals and this is what stopped her going further. You should be proud of her!

Put this behind you and don't let it fester in your mind. If you keep thinking about it and what COULD have happened it will only lead to destructive thoughts and countless arguments with your girlfriend. Instead forget it and be happy that she is with you now.

~Eve~

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2008):

That wasn't helpful whatsoever. Notice that that's why I'm asking for help? Cause I know its dumb?

If your advice is the same as hers then don't bother. I'm looking for REAL constructive advice on how to get over it.

Despite that its dumb, it still upsets me and I can't help that.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2008):

She hasn't done anything that bad! If your making her feel guilty about this, you got to really look at yourself. She has done nothing wrong, I could maybe understand if she slept with loads of guys before you but this didn't happen. Sounds to me she got drunk one night and she kissed a guy, flashed as well. Wow, big deal. Get over yourself

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