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Should I go with my own flow in regard to relationships and friendships?

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 November 2023) 1 Answers - (Newest, 18 November 2023)
A female Australia age 26-29, anonymous writes:

This is not really romantic relationship advice, but more friendship and life advice I am seeking. I usually come here if I need some real wisdom or advice.

I always find myself in situations where I will do much more to hang out with someone or strengthen a friendship, but they seem like they are not interested, or find other people to hang out with. It often confuses me because when I grew up, I was taught that friends are there, even if you do not speak to them as much anymore, they are there to catch up or hang out. It is inevitable that interests and hobbies split people apart which I understand, but it is the lack of care and remembrance that I often find people I use to be close friends with seems to be lacking. Usually I am the one who gets excited to see them again, or speak with them, ask them how they are and if they want to go for coffee to catch up but their interest is so surface level. It makes me wonder if this is the norm nowdays?

I do not mind putting my heart on my sleeve, it has always been like that. But I question whether the lack of care for others nowdays is wrong?

I also find myself in situations where I want to continue being friends with someone, but they just vanish and disappear and I feel like I have done something wrong. Sometimes I feel like the only way I keep people around is being a source of entertainment because I am by no means interesting, I love indepth conversations about life. But then again these people only stay for my comedic aspect and that is it. Just entertaining people. It also makes me wonder whether people befriend others because of certain qualities they have which can be useful for the other person. Like if someone is a doctor, they can always go to them for treatment, and boast about knowing a doctor. I feels shallow, I feel like most friendships are shallow, but it is also human nature to befriend those who would provide substantial benefits towards your survival.

This was a bit of a rant from the top of my head. But the question is should I be going with my own flow in life and make new friends when my shared hobbies with older friends disappear, or should I try and keep the friendship I have with them?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2023):

" Sometimes I feel like the only way I keep people around is being a source of entertainment because I am by no means interesting..."

Please STOP doing this. This is how you will tell who really likes you and who doesn't.

Here's the thing. You choose people you like, for wrong reasons. Not because you are similar, you share interests and values... but because for some reason they appeal to your ego. Only you know what appeals to your ego, so what I'm about to list may or may not apply. They could be beautiful, popular, well connected, well off... or stand out is out other ways, have interesting lives, unusual jobs...

So you tend to overlook the fact that you are not well suited for each other. The same thing can happen in romantic relationships.

Because you feel inferior to them (that's why you seek them out in the first place, because if they choose you, OMG, you don't need to feel inferior any more), you do everything to keep them.

And they will use you for as much as you let them and then they will throw you away. Sometimes, unequal relationships fall apart on their own, through nobody's fault, because they were unequal to begin with. The most obvious examples are money-related. Rich people go skiing in winter, to Paris for Christmas and cruise the Mediterranean in the summer. People with modest means cannot uphold this lifestyle.

So stop trying to satisfy your ego by pretending to be someone your not. Just be yourself and the people you're not compatible with will simply pass you by. Do not insist on their "friendship". Nurture the relationships with those you have things in common with, most notably values and interests. It will take time but you'll find them. And sometimes when you change your mindset, your energy changes, the image you project changes and the right people find you faster than you have expected.

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