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I feel sometimes that I treat my girlfriend like a comfort blanket.

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Question - (29 February 2012) 5 Answers - (Newest, 29 February 2012)
A male United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I am a very self-oriented person who enjoys my own and other people's company, striking a balance between these two depending on how I feel. I love other people's company, but only when it suits me. I am the most important person in my life.

My girlfriend, on the other hand, always thinks about other people before herself, and this results in problems in our relationship. 80% of the time things are fine, but there are occasions when I want to be doing something else that she 'wants' me to want to be with her - I feel sometimes that I treat my girlfriend like a comfort blanket.

I know it's unfair sometimes, but I can't change the way that I am. Of course I will make time for her if she needs me, but it's the constant underlying desire to live our lives as one that gets at me.

I really wish she would just relax at times, whereas she frequently complains that I don't tell her how I'm feeling. My question is - is this a sign that she simply isn't right for me? We've been together two years, and things are going fine, yet people talk about being consumed with love. I'm too much of a rationalist too much of the time - but is this something to worry about in the context of a relationship?

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (29 February 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony auntBeing the most important person in your life means you will be very lonely at times.

YOU CAN change but you have to want to change. At this point you don’t want to.

Read what Honeypie wrote. A relationship is not 50/50 or 80/20 it’s 100/100 she’s right!

Communication is key would you consider going to counseling with her to discuss the differences in how you view the relationship?

I live with my partner we are not together 24/7… I go out with my friends sometimes for dinner or lunch… and then there’s the occasional girl weekend away.. and he can go hang with his friends as he sees fit but he’s more like your GF thinking that all things he does should involve me…

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A male reader, Welsh Uncle Dave United Kingdom +, writes (29 February 2012):

You need to take a look at yourself and understand that relationships are about two people not one.

Yes, ultimately in life you have to look after yourself, but when it comes to relationships you have to (and should want to) be there for each other whenever it is needed.

The way you have spoken makes it sound like it's a chore for you when you make time for her when she needs you.

On you point about communication, one of the most important things for a successful relationship is communication and you have to communicate feelings good and bad.

The question you ask is is she right for you? Perhaps you should ask: are you right for a relationship?

I say that because I feel unless you change and open out to be more considerate, you will come across the same issue in future relationships should you end this one.

The onus is on you.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (29 February 2012):

Honeypie agony auntYes, you CAN change the way you are.

A relationship should be 100/100 not 80/20.

I think you need to work on 2 things, communication and consideration. I understand that you are #1 in your life but that doesn't mean you can't be there for your GF/friends/family. Being WITH someone means you can't be selfish 24/7.

I don't think that is being rational, maybe more like you are not understanding what a relationship really is.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012):

It's good that you have openly admitted that your a selfish person. Don't get me wrong it's not bad to be selfish, only to an extent though! I was seeing a man that sounds exactly like you. It was always me giving in the relationship and got nothing in return. A Relationship ( in my eyes) is based on trust & compromise. If you can't compromise then it doesn't mean there is a problem within your relationship, the problem lies within you. You can't have it one sided, expect her to be the mug and stay with you do you? Talk to her, communication is key to find out the way In which she sees your attitude Good luck xAx

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012):

I have to give you credit for being honest about the issue. And no, you can't change for someone else, only if you feel you need or want to change. My question is, how does she feel about the relationship? Is she ok with the way you are? With the way you treat her? If she's ok and it works for both of you then I wouldn't worry too much about it. And have you EVER felt enough for any other person in your life to put them first? Because if you haven't, then it's who you are and not a product of this not being the right relationship. However, if you have been able to think of other people first then you might want to rethink this current situation.

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