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I don't want to seem weak when I end it

Tagged as: Breaking up<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (1 May 2014) 9 Answers - (Newest, 2 May 2014)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I've been casually seeing a guy for about 6 months and I think for my own sanity I need to end it. He's probably the most rude and arrogant person I've met and he makes me feel worthless with the way he speaks to me. Now do I tell him that's the reason I don't want to see him anymore or is it better to not to show how he upsets me? I don't want to seem weaker to him than I already do.

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A female reader, cattycakes United Kingdom +, writes (2 May 2014):

Just tell him that being with him is not a pleasant experience. He is rude and you do not look forward to seeing him. So you have decided to end the relationship. Don't let him start a discussion. He will not change the facts by being more rude. Whoever taught him that keeping a girl happy is by making her feel bad....lied.

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A male reader, juggalojer United States +, writes (1 May 2014):

yeah , dont explain or apologize say its over and leave, if he ask or fights just say you can find someone that treats females how they should be treated which in other terms you can find better and your not putting up with his crap anymore, if he tries to have you stay and talk, dont do it, show no sad expression I dont think so and leave with a smile on your face for achieving a goal to a happier life

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (1 May 2014):

Honeypie agony auntI agree (as usual) with Auntie Cindy.

"never explain, never complain, never apologize "

Just call him and tell:" hey this thing we got going isn't working for me anymore and I'm over it. Don't call me and I won't call you. Have a nice life.. " THE END.

If he is as rude, arrogant and obnoxious as you feel, I don't think he is going to give a flying fart about WHY you want to end it.

IF he, however, keep pressing you to tell him why, tell him he's an arrogant prick and that is just a huge turn off. Then say Good bye... Because? It's the truth.

IF he then starts with putting you down, FEEL freaking FREE to HANG up and block his number! You don't HAVE to take crap from anyone. NOR do you HAVE to suck it up.

Life is TOO short to have people like that in your life.

End it and it will SET YOU free.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2014):

"We need to talk, this isn't working for me, I don't wish to continue seeing you, I wish you all the best"

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2014):

I've learned from experience NOT to give explanations to people that I don't want in my life. It was very , very hard for me to learn this because I am a naturally very caring person and, even if someone has really hurt me, I still feel a huge pull to explain to the about their own behaviour, hoping that in future they will see that it is hurting others and them.

It used to really hurt and frustrate me if people just 'ditched' me without any explanation. In friendships or in relationships. I never wanted anyone to feel like that, so for years I would always really try to explain.

But what I found is that the person inevitably - sooner or later - only uses this to decide that it is you that has the problem and not them. I've had instances where I've ended a friendship and the woman in question has subsequently bitched to other women that I have issues and am weird. You CANNOT educate all people in being more sensitive to how their behaviour affects others and, in any case, it is NOT your job. It's a job for a counsellor when, further down the line, they realise they really do have serious issues. Or its a job for those who have been in much longer term relationships or for family members that they may be close to. It's a paradoxical thing - if the person was sensitive enough to want to take on board your criticism in the first place, it is highly unlikely that you'd have to explain to them why their behaviour is insensitive. For those who do behave insensitively, then its unlikely that they will 'want to know' what you tell them.

With all of that said, I have had a couple of instances, in friendships, where the women in question clearly had issues about their own self esteem and kept continually projecting them onto me. It ended up that I could barely say anything because they imagined my self esteem was absolutely fine (it wasn't) and that every time I said something it was aimed at proving that i was superior to them. For example, when I was a very busy working young Mum I hardly came into contact with any men at all and also did not have much self esteem in regard to my looks. A man at a gym that I went to actually came over and complimented my abs and I was so surprised that I told my friend. At that stage I did not realise just how much she was projecting her issues onto me and she took the fact that I'd related this compliment to her as a dig at her because she had issues with her own body. It was so difficult for me to even tell her this because I'd been brought up never to think about my looks (I had a very puritanical Mum) and it took ages for me to get a sense of being attractive. She didn't get that at all, she just thought I was 'rubbing it in'. I was so hurt that she could even believe I would want to do this and became very confused about our friendship, to the point that I did eventually end it. It really became impossible to have a friendship with her, and not because I lacked sensitivity! I was a really caring and good friend to her, but she just kept projecting her past experiences and issues on to me.

So what I mean to say is that, although it is highly unlikely that you are 'imagining' this guy's insensitivity - really I am sure you are not - there can be some instances in relationships of any kind when poeple see evidence of insensitivity that is not really there. Just make sure after this horrible experience that you don't start 'seeing' arrogance etc everywhere! Best of luck

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (1 May 2014):

CindyCares agony aunt No no no ! Have you never heard of " never explain, never complain, never apologize " ?!

This saying does not mean obviously that you should never say " sorry " if you step on someone's foot- but, that if you want something done , quickly and efficiently, and by people to whom you don't OWE an explanation ( ... troups, servants,.... arrogant boyfriends :) - you need to be short, sharp, simple and to the point. Anything more is a sign a of weakness.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy +, writes (1 May 2014):

Anonymous 123 agony aunt"Jeff, I have something to say. I don't want to continue in this relationship with you, I'm not happy and I would much rather be alone than with you. Thank you for everything, please do not ever try to contact me in any way. Goodbye"

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A female reader, Ciar Canada +, writes (1 May 2014):

Ciar agony auntWhatever you do don't say his behaviour hurt or upset you or that you felt worthless because that will definitely sound weak. Without getting roped into an in depth discussion simply say his behaviour is off putting and you've had enough. Be calm and matter of fact. Absolutely no crying.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2014):

You should tell him so that you end up completing the job. You don't have to be competitive about it. I am just left wondering why would anyone enter a relationship with the most rude and arrogant person?

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