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Husband is registered on various online dating agencies. Should I confront him?

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems, Online dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (26 September 2006) 5 Answers - (Newest, 27 September 2006)
A female , anonymous writes:

I have been married to my husband for 2 years.

I know I shouldnt but I read his e-mails, I have found out that he has registered for various online dating agencies and is chatting to several different women!

Should I confront him?

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A female reader, Toria +, writes (27 September 2006):

Toria agony auntI would confront him, yes you shouldn't have looked through his emails but you have and you need to confess that to him if you want to know what is going on with all these dating agencies and other women.

You reading his emails wouldn't be a problem if your married to someone as you pretty much know everything about them, we will find he will probably concentrate on the fact you didn't trust him and went behind his back as he has just been caught out reading his emails shows a lack of trust on your part but with you there really was good reason which you now know from what you have seen.

Good luck :o)

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A female reader, Donnah +, writes (26 September 2006):

Donnah agony auntYou are both married, you should both be open books. I take it this was not established early on.

Trust is broken and I am sorry you had to find it this way. You'd be surprised how many spouses pick up and leave for someone in another country or even in another state because they fell in love on the internet.

You will need to confront him. But confrontation doesn't have to be so nasty. Sit down with him and admit to him what you've found. He may 'FLIP' the subject and be angry with you. But focus on the MAIN SUBJECT.

Here is the problem...xyz. Here is where I stand...123. Speaking of, are you able to forgive him and move pass this? You'll need to if you're going to continue.

He'll answer but remember some of the rules of argument:

Don't raise your voice.

Use "I" statements.

Example:

When I found this email I felt betrayed. I want to work this out.

Have him repeat back to you what you've told him. Is communication okay in your marriage?

Going at him with "YOU did this....I can't believe you!" Well, that approach won't work.

Be sure to sheild any children of this conversation including infants.

See where he's at. Be prepared. He may say your relationship is not doing it for him anymore.

Then you'll have to find out if the marriage can still be saved.

Nip this in the bud though. Get a software that has parental controls for dating sites, if he agrees to it.

And remember your vows to eachother.

In good times and in bad times.....Basically ALL TIMES. This is one of those bad times.

Good luck to you. Hope this helps.

Ciao!

Donna

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2006):

Of course, you confront him. You have a serious problem on your hands. So what if you read emails ..you should confront him with the truth and tell him that what he is doing is unacceptable behavior. Your husband is doing what he's doing only because he can get away with it. He will never appreciate how much you mean to him until you are gone and he sits with the silence. Here is what you do. You tell your husband, "I love you with all my heart and want to spend the rest of my life with you but I absolutely refuse to share you with other women" Done..said. Then walk away, your head held high and your pride and dignity intact, and hopefully he'll begin to respect you. He is th one that is cheating you out of his undivided attention. This is your marriage and the promise that he made to you, that he is disregarding. A marriage is a partnership..a union of two people's lives and these two people share everything--including computers, passwords and email addresses. It's all about total sharing--the blending of 2 lives--wide open, no secrets. This is what marriage is.. Honesty and trust! I think what he's doing has weakened you and your self esteem is shot to smithereens...so please don't allow this! You may be underestimating your role in this relationship, but worse, right now, so does he. When you shock him with behavior that he doesn't expect, he'll come to the conclusion that he he needs to buck up or lose his family. If he doesn't smarten up--if he doesn't seem to care what you think...then call a lawyer because his indifference will mean, your marriage was done long before he went on dating sites. Good luck, hun and be strong

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A female reader, stina United States +, writes (26 September 2006):

stina agony auntHi Anon,

If I were you, then I would definitly confront your husband. What is there to gain by keeping your mouth shut? Thinking about this will only get you frustrated, upset, angry and you will probably end up resenting your husband.

When you talk to him, try to remain calm. But at the same time don't beat around the bush, either. Prolonging the conversation will just probably result in the both of you getting frustrated and angry. Looking like your going back and forth between emotions would also allow him to take advantage of you in that he could try to convince you that what he did was nothing. If it was nothing, then why would he be doing it in the first place?

My bet is that he is going to get angry and defensive however you decide to approach this issue, so If I were you, I'd just tell him straight up that you know about his accounts and the conversations with several women. You know his personality best - plan ahead with what you should do after his raction. Hopefully you'll both be able to have an actual discussion instead of getting into an argument.

If things do explode, it's best to walk away and talk things through when both of you have had time to cool down and collect yourselves.

When you're able to talk, I would probably tell him what I was feeling and ask what his feelings are. Also be sure to ask him why he felt the need to do this. At this point you have two options:

Suggest working it out. Make it clear that you are genuinely concerned and you don't want to just have a yelling match or meaningless argument. Figure out what needs and wants there are between the both of you. Maybe after discussing it, you two might decide that marriage counseling is appropriate.

And there is the option of leaving if you find his answers are too much for you to handle (or if he refuses to discuss this with you). I really think trying to patch this up is the way to go and leaving him would be the ultimate last resort.

So in my opinion, the only things you can do are be prepared for an emotional reaction from him, try to stay calm, be honest, and try to figure out what can be done so you can work this out together.

Take care.

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (26 September 2006):

eyeswideopen agony auntYou bet your booty you should talk to him! Best come up with a reason for reading his emails first though. Then lay down the law, gotta train these husbands from the get go! Good luck!

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