A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am a overweight, not very handsome, not particularly smart or interesting, bald, geeky, awkward male virgin. I am very introverted to say the least. I've never even kissed a girl and I've never been on a date. When I get nervous, I stutter and my teeth chatter so talking to women has been an absolute nightmare. I am still trying my hand at online dating but so far after 6 months, nobody is interested. I want to go on my first date by the time I turn 30 (in July) but I don't know if it's possible given my track record. How can I get my first date before I turn 30? I'm tired of being a loser.
View related questions:
overweight Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (15 February 2020):
You have been given some excellent advice which I encourage you to follow. I can add very little to it so will just give you a personal perspective.
I turned 30 last year and the first ever date still hasn’t happened for me. The sky didn’t fall in and the world didn’t end. Nothing was any different. You still have a whole lifetime to meet someone. Honestly, when your confidence is this low, it’s not likely to happen for you by July. If you think you’re a loser, that’s the vibe you will give across and, to be blunt, it’s not going to get you a date. You really do need to work on feeling better about yourself and being comfortable in your own skin first. That’s not fobbing you off by throwing you a bone to feel better about your lack of relationships: you really do need to make meaningful change. You need to make a great life for yourself that’s ready for someone to walk in to when and only when they are the right person for you. If chatting to women is a nightmare, you need to work on making it feel less of a nightmare and more of an enjoyable experience before you can seriously consider dating. You will never be for everyone. You can never be certain that the girl you want will also have the same feelings for you. But there are few things more attractive to a woman than a man who knows his value, who he is and what he wants, who can hold his own. That’s going to make women want to be your friend, and some day one of them will want to be your partner.
Being that kind of man is not beyond me and it’s not beyond you.
I’m not saying that finding this inner confidence and recognising your self-worth will be a magic fix, but it’s the difference between feeling utterly miserable about being single, or recognising that whilst you would like to date and are open to it, life is still okay and fulfilling the way it is now. You might like to date, but surely it would also be nice to feel a bit happier during the wait?
I wish you all the very best.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2020): First off get yourself into therapy.You need to build up your self esteem because you do not have any.Be clean....women like a clean man...do not use axe body spray ever....the truth is women hate it big time.Do not be discouraged because of your age....my sil did not marry until her fifties and was a virgin....did not start dating until her forties.I think there is someone for everyone...Try online places that fix you up.Meet up just for coffee that first time...do not rush take things slow as to not scare the other person off.Start going to church that is a very good place to meet women.Volunteer at places that is also a good way to meet people.You could also try speed dating where you meet a lot of people at once.You got this!!!Therapy will help you need to love yourself first then the rest will be easy.My single R.N. neice loves overweight bald nerds...actually that is her type...so there are women out there who will like you.You just got to love yourself enough to find them.You got this!!!!Think positive!!!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (14 February 2020):
 Just to add, dating or not dating, sex or no sex is not what makes someone successful or a "loser". Your feelings are valid, but you need to remind yourself that learning to be happy single and happy within yourself is more likely to get you a date.
Setting unrealistic goals, like a date before 30 in a few months, is hurting your chances, not helping them. If you aren't patient and don't change how you see yourself first, you will not get a date any time soon. Doing that will take time. You must allow it or you will be back in July saying nothing worked, when you didn't really try or give it time to.
...............................
A
male
reader, Gmelin8 +, writes (14 February 2020):
Develop self respect. Diet to your ideal weight. Excess weight can shorten your life. Develop a hobby that you can use to join related groups or clubs. Social interaction will help you acquire skills needed to make friends.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2020): I respectfully disagree with make anonymous from February 14. That type of view is also in some ways “loser” talk with settling. And it doesn’t even guarantee a happy relationship!
I DO agree to the extent that looks shouldn’t be the only deciding factor in choosing a partner, though you SHOULD feel physically attracted to your partner. If you meet an attractive woman who doesn’t treat you well or that you can’t even relate to, then please cut ties immediately and walk away. You deserve better. Regardless of looks, a partner should treat you well with respect and feel the same way towards you as you do towards them.
Choosing “ordinary” or “less than ordinary” women is still choosing women based on looks. These so called ordinary women can also be awful partners, treat you terribly, or you may not get along with them or relate to them.
Plus! Can you imagine how flattered and happy a woman would be if she find out you picked her because she’s not as pretty? It’s like a woman telling you she picked you because you aren’t handsome and therefore not likely to cheat (which also is NOT true—my friend’s boyfriend was overweight balding and socially awkward and caught trying to cheat on her with multiple women so there you go).
On the other hand it IS true that you need to date within reasonable bounds and expectations. So maybe make anonymous just isn’t phrasing it correctly, who knows. But don’t worry about that part yet. Take things one step at a time.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2020): All the comments given are excellent advices I hope you will follow. Just want to add one bit, you should not aim at dating only glamourous girls for these type of girls have naturely a lot of suiters so they are difficult to get but you should aim at the more ordinary looking types or even lesser ones. Believe me you will be surprised to find how wonderful they can be. Also your goal in life should be first to be successful in your profession whatever that is because that is how you earn confidence in yourself and remember women are instenctively attracted to bread earners. Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (14 February 2020):
Get therapy first. You are so down on yourself that no matter what external changes you make your internals will stop you meeting a woman. As you work on your mind and work on gaining confidence you can start working on your outside.
Lose weight
Shave your head
Learn to dress properly for your body type.
And as a final step maybe find a dating coach.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2020): First, don't give yourself a deadline like that -to go on your first date before 30. Set realistic goals where you can actually have control over what happens. If you don't succeed in having a date before July, you'll just feel worse about yourself.
Rather, listen to the other aunts and uncles and instead of setting a hard deadline for when you go on your first date, set a goal of improving yourself inside and out.
The goal for improving your outside is actually more concrete - so yes, be more active, start exercising, start eating right so you feel good physically.
The more important goal, however, is as everyone is saying, working on your confidence. That's more abstract and harder to teach someone.... But just think to yourself that confident people are governed by what they are inside, not by outside forces. If you are rejected by a woman, for example, it's ok because the woman rejecting you isn't the one who decides your value --YOU decide your value. You have to love yourself first and foremost. Think about it, out of allll the people in the universe, there is only one person you can rely on absolutely to love you and respect you that you can control, and that person is YOU.
(There is also your mother, ha, and higher beings depending on your religion but let's keep this simple).
Here are some suggestions on working towards becoming confident: Find things on your own you enjoy, and work on developing habits and hobbies and adventures that make you happy --that way you don't rely on others to make you happy. OR if you already have things you know about yourself that give you confidence, focus on those things.
As a personal example, I put a lot of value in my morals and my skills/abilities and the simple fact that all people should be treated with dignity and respect (myself included). It also helps I have strong family support. So that if non-happy things happen to me (people ridicule me, laugh at me, talk crap about me), I really don't care because I'm still me and I trust and believe in myself. In my eyes I value the things that make me "me" so much so that I don't really care what people think about me. (FYI constructive criticism is different and welcomed).
On the flip side, you define yourself as a loser, guess what, no one else owes you enough to decide that you are NOT a loser. So set the bar for others right now. Set the bar at the fact that at the least you are human and deserve dignity and respect. Rely on yourself first and YOU define YOU before expecting others to follow your lead.
Once you find unshakable value in yourself --it'll follow naturally that people will find that attractive. Not just women you want to date, but also people in general, like potential friends.
My only other suggestion, if you get nervous around women, is to get your friends to help you. Confide in a trusted friend, explain the situation. With that friend's help, start hanging out with people in mixed gender groups, to get used to talking to women. If you have a female friend you trust, even better to get opportunities to mingle. If it's awkward at first MEH, trial and error, practice makes perfect. Don't be hard on yourself.
So forget about this deadline of dating someone before July. There are people out there that will give you a chance even if you are a man who has not been on a date before age 30, as long as you've gained confidence. Let go of this loser nonsense, and you can explain how you've turned your life around.
Your ultimate goal of becoming fit and being confident, on the other hand, is achievable! You can do this! Try to meet THAT goal before you turn 30. I personally really started living my life in my thirties so I know you can still live the good life going forward from this day on! Good luck!!
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (12 February 2020):
You have to revamp your look - both how you dress and take care of yourself, but mostly your outlook. If you insist on seeing yourself negatively, you’ll struggle because nobody will be interested in dating someone negative (often because they have their own negativity to manage).
Don’t get me wrong, I have awful insecurities, so I know how hard it is to imagine anyone dating you, but they definitely won’t if you don’t present yourself well enough - especially on an online profile where they can just move on immediately.
Share with us what you’ve written about yourself on your profile (nothing about your private identity, just what you’ve said about yourself) and we may be able to see where you’ve possibly missed the mark :)
...............................
A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (12 February 2020):
 You're probably not the best at making people view you in a positive light. I wonder what your dating profiles say because based off of how you just described yourself to us, you don't seem to believe in yourself very much or know how to showcase what it is that you have to offer. Everyone has something to offer. Your text made it seem like anyone standing within two feet of you will benefit none from being in your company and that isn't the way to market yourself to the public. The adjectives that you've used, makes you look like everyone is better off steering clear of you. I just wonder if your dating profiles showcase the same sort of pessimistic attitude that you have towards yourself, is all.
You need to figure out what are the good things that make you, you. It's not so much bagging a date that should be your priority, learning to love yourself should be number one. When your attitude changes, trust me, the amount of people that will notice you, will increase because sometimes it's what we put out, ourselves, that shoots us in the foot. Put positive vibes out there. People will noticed your tone and your vibe, even through text. In the age of social media, that's one way that people find a partner. Everyone that I know has been DM'd... Even if they think that they're the most basic human on planet earth... They showcase their personalities and since there's a lid for every pot, there's someone out there for everybody. I'd say to rethink how you're portraying yourself online, on a whole and also, reach out to people who you like. Don't just wait to be reached out for. You need to take more initiative if you'd like to actually date. If you see a profile that you like (on social media or on a dating site), send a message and start a conversation. That's how many relationships have started so why not give it a try?
You could also try the classic 'boy meets girl' scenario. Again, you can start a conversation with the female that you find interesting. You don't have to be an expert to start a conversation. Literally anything can be a conversation piece. You just have to know how to make yourself seem charming with your approach. That takes confidence and confidence comes with self love.
If you're not happy with yourself, make some changes. It's terrible to go through life feeling as though you're not the best version of yourself so why not change everything that you don't like about yourself either physically or mentally. If you don't like something; change it. You're the only one that can. To continue to believe that you're not exactly worthy of anyone's attention is definitely not helping you in the dating game so whatever it is that will help build your confidence, it's best to just do that.
...............................
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (12 February 2020):
 As everyone else has said, you have to be happy with yourself. The best quality in a partner is definitely someone who is content with who they are.
I suggest that you get to the gym, or start up a regiment at home. Not because you need to be fit to land a girl, but because it really may help you feel better about yourself. You'll start to see changes physically, and it may make you feel proud of yourself, and start to enjoy getting dressed and self-care. Hire a photographer, get some nice pictures of yourself to put on any dating apps you may be trying. It shows that you are classy, and feel good about yourself. Not to mention, having nice pictures of yourself is always an ego boost.
Get involved with hobbies. You don't have to be an academic to be interesting, you just need something to be interested in to be interesting. Maybe get involved in community theater. Or join a book club. Go to trivia nights. This might get you used to socializing with girls, or socializing, period. You (hopefully) will also just genuinely have fun, and you seem like you need to be simply enjoying your life - partnered, or not.
There is nothing wrong with being a virgin. There are a lot of people who would be thrilled that they get to introduce someone to carnal pleasures. That's exciting!
You need to make some changes in your own life to help yourself gain confidence and satisfaction in yourself. Don't do it all just to get a girl. Do it to make yourself a happier, whole person. Once that ball starts rolling, other things just start happening.
And, once you start dating, remember: nobody owes you anything. Relax. People break up, that happens. Romance can be a very tricky and tumultuous adventure. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. You just try to be attentive to your partner, and continue to do things that make you a happy and content person. A partner should not be someone who makes you feel validated as a person - you should already feel perfectly good about yourself. A partner can just enhance that feeling.
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (12 February 2020):
 If you see yourself as a loser then you’re already defeated. What image do you think you give off to other people if you have no self value?
It’s good to see that you’re wanting to turn your fortunes around, too many people wallow in self pity and just accept the situation they’re in without trying to change things and act like the world is against them. Everyone has their hardships and struggles. We have to deal with what we’ve been given whether that’s bad teeth, thinning hair, a patchy beard, overweight, a facial birthmark etc there’s no choice but to deal w it h it and make the best of things.
I have many friends that I definitely would not say are attractive but have had serious amounts of success with females and it’s all down to confidence and charm. They’ve admitted that they know they’re nothing special but they’ve not let it stop them. They make up for it in other ways by being funny, having charisma or intellect and knowing how to hold good conversation.
I would consider myself fairly good looking but I had absolutely ZERO female interest until my personality came through. I used to be extremely shy, wouldn’t approach anyone and just hoped my appearance would be enough to attract females. It wasn’t. Even if it did, you still need a good personality to keep people around, so don’t fret too much over the fact that you don’t think you’re good looking.
Physically, you could start by going to the gym. Eating healthily and doing regular exercise is great for your mood. Not only will you gain strength, improve your appearance and wellbeing but you will also feel better for it. You will have more energy and a spring in your step that a lazy person wouldn’t have.
Update your wardrobe. Buy some clothes that suit your body type. Certain outfits can look really unflattering and I think the majority of women would
like a partner that knows how to dress well. Purchase some aftershave/cologne, that’s another big one that females like, someone who smells nice. I’ve had a good handful of compliments for the scent I wear over the years, the one I currently use is called dior sauvage and I’ve seen many posts on social media of females saying they like that fragrance. May be worth looking into!
How active have you been in trying to meet someone? Have you been online dating? Been to singles events? Joined clubs that you’re interested in? Meeting like minded people gives you a huge head start in dating so that you have some common ground.
The main thing for people with no confidence is the fear of rejection. Let me tell you, I have been rejected 100x more times than I’ve been successful with ladies and that is a fact. The thought of approaching a girl for her to shut me down used to terrify me to the point I wouldn’t bother. I then thought one day, why am I so worried? These girls are human beings too and the worst they can say is no and then I move onto someone else. The first time a girl told me no I thought oh, so that’s what it feels like, not so bad after all. The more times I got rejected the more confident I became because I realised how seriously insignificant it truly is. You need to make the plunge though or you’ll be stuck in this rut together.
Just remember that not everyone is considered attractive on this planet, that’s just the way it goes but there is ALWAYS someone out there who you will be able to attract you just have to find that person. Whether it’s based on looks, your humour, your personality, it doesn’t matter. The point is that there will be tons of people out there that you will get on just fine with.
If you have more questions feel free to message me.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (12 February 2020):
 Confidence means everything and you have to believe in yourself. You definitely need to work on having an interesting personality. Be charming funny witty anything that makes you stand out. Not every man in the world is going to look like Brad Pitt and most women don't want a man who looks like a model. They want a kind caring man. A man who listens. An interesting man.
Have you tried going places where singles are? Getting a new hobby? Have you asked your famiy/friends if they know anyone they could introduce to you?
Online dating can be very frustrating that is true. Have you spruced up your profile? Again...make it interesting. Downplay what you feel is wrong with you and make sure to focus on what you feel are your strong points!
Hang in there! My ex husband is not attractive at all. I know this sounds cruel but I am just being very honest. He is balding wears thick glasses has bad teeth and has quite a big gut on him BUT...he has been married and divorced 5 times. (I was his 1st wife and he was cuter when I married him all those years ago lol). What he does have is confidence and a sense of humor. He isn't afraid to make himself look stupid to make someone laugh. I guarantee that's how he got 5 women to marry him! PERSONALITY
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2020): The best advice I can give (that nobody ever listens to) is to create new habits in every walk of life!
Start with food - you say you're over weight, so you eat bad? Well change it, eat better. That's easier said than done but from experience, you can train your mind over time to eat differently and make better choices.
Next - get yourself out and about. So you live near a park? If so go for walks/slow jogs to get the fresh air you need in your lungs.
Tip: get a small dog to help with the above, that's a huge bonus and people will stop and talk more when you have the dog with you.
My next one is alot easier said than done and that's because it's a cliche - take up a hobbie. I know, everybody says it. I don't mean take up a hobbie to meet people, but more so to spice things up a bit in your life. You sound bored and i really think doing something will help perk you up a little. Maybe learn the play an instrument?
Finally - reverse this negative mindset of 'i'm not very good looking' etc. That's never going to earn a date as many will find the lack of confidence a turn off. Instead, think differently, think of all the positives you possess!
Food luck and keep us in touch!
...............................
|
