A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, male 45 years old married 20 years. 3 kids...all is well, until occasionally wife drink more than she can handle and gets mean. Usually, it starts with her drinking while yapping to her sister on the phome for hours in the evening, after she gets off the phone...she goes looking for a fight. Usually with my 14 yr old son, who is a great kid, but if he doesnt respond to something like she feels he should she freaks out and yells and screams at him call him spoiled etc..etc... Of course, then she wants me to join in. Normally, yes i will and side with her when he is being a teenage jerk (when she is sober) but, like last night, I take her away from the situation and tell her "now isnt the time. He's had a bad day...let it go, I'll talk to him yadda yadda yadda." Wll that gets easily translated into I hate her, dont respect her, I think she is stupid.... Eventually this just irritates me and I leave her be...BUT I return, give her hug and tell her I love her. BUT oh, no that's not gonna work she starts in on me again. I tell her I dont like her putting words in my mouth (calling her stupid, a bitch etc...) then she lies and says she never said it! Um it was like 10 minutes ago... this has happened more than once (and usually I somehow have to apologize for her craziness to make things better) but last night I had it, so tired of being called a liar, tired of her screaming and yelling in front of the kids... and I said, "I'm done...I'm done...dont talk to me anymore..." Instantly her tune changed into "what, why? what is the big deal?" I went outside and took a walk. My son called me and asked where I was. I told him everything was OK (he's 14 though, not stupid) I "slept" on the couch. Went up this morning to see her, and she had a look on her face like she was mad at me. Really? I'm not playing that BS anymore...I can't...so I just gave her a hug and went to work....My gosh I think Im going insane!! It's like even when not drinking she can had a bad day and piss and moan and say whatever she likes, but if anyone else does, watch out!
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female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (17 March 2015):
 On this issue, I could not disagree more with SVC. Drinking to excess may be a human weakness, but taking it out on others is no more a disease than is robbing banks. I assume your wife doesn't get drunk at work and abuse her colleagues. She obviously has enough control over her behaviour to select the best time and easiest targets for her rages. No free pass here.
OP, the first thing you have to do here is STOP all the 'I love you's, all the hugging and reassuring. Rewarding bad behaviour only reinforces it and it makes you look weak in the eyes of your wife and son.
Your wife needs to understand that her aggression will not be tolerated, regardless of how good she might be most of the time. And your son needs to SEE that you, the stable one, are stronger than your wife and able to protect him. Your wife is not entitled to cuddles when she lashes out.
I also second secretly recording her when the opportunity presents itself and you should keep a log noting the date and time of each occurrence, along with a brief description and be sure to include the names of all who were present. It might be a good idea to let her know you'll be doing this, but see the next item below first, and be sure to keep the log and any other evidence you accumulate in a safe place she can't access.
I strongly urge you to speak to a lawyer. I'm not telling you to run out and get a divorce, but you need to know exactly what your options and obligations are. Having that information may give you more confidence in dealing with this more assertively and effectively.
Finally, it would be a good idea for you to let others know what she's been up to. Don't blab it out to everyone obviously, but a couple of close, trusted friends/relatives who can remain objective and discreet.
OP, the priority here is the physical and psychological well being of everyone in the home, not the immediate comfort of your wife. Let your wife feel like she's in the dog house for a while. The discomfort she gets from that might help encourage her to earn her way out of it. A well timed stoney silence can be quite effective.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2015): Male anon here:bro svc
Advice is to leave her in the house, go elsewhere and threaten divorce with papers mailed to her from an attorney. Give her some time to think but if she does not seek change then file for actual divorce. He will win the child and protect him in a normal environment. People give drunks way too much leniency and let them get away with mayham in hope they get better. Hope is not a strategy. She needs to be put between a rock and a hard place and if she chooses hard place, oh well, it's of her own making. Time for talking is over in his situation.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 March 2015):
 Male Anon, rehab is useless unless she wants to quit drinking. YOU can't mandate rehab. In addition, rehab is VERY expensive, the first month of rehab our bill was 10k WITH INSURANCE. thankfully we had it... in addition we now do not have my husband's income as he is on short term disability still working rehab albeit now as out patient which is much cheaper but the first month KILLER.
In addition a THREAT... what happens in a month when the OP says to the wife 'quit drinking or I'm taking the kid and i'm leaving' and she does not quit? where is he to go? will he still have to support her? How does this make it better for him or help her? If he says quit drinking or I'm leaving and the house is his... he can't leave.. he can't change the locks if her name is on the house... so what happens when his 'quit drinking or lose me in a month" date comes up and she's still drinking?
He can't mandate her sobriety. He can't force it. All he can do is take care of himself which is what Al-anon teaches.
And again threats or ultimatums do not work unless you follow through with it.
so what do you advise him to do when she doesn't stop (because she can't it's a illness not a choice)?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2015): Male anon here:
SVC, I said exactly what you said which is an ultimatum that it's either him or alcohol, so what are you disagreeing about? Just like you, I also said that reason does not work with drunks and sober ones can't live with them. Does she need rehab? Absolutely but the worst part with drunks is for them to admit and accept rehab. Once in it they will roll day at a time. So his challenge is to get his wife to admit and accept rehab and ultimatum is for that.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 March 2015):
oh and I wanted to throw this site out there
http://www.12stepforums.net/
the Alanon board is very active and supportive. check it out.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 March 2015):
YouWish I used to do that with my DH. He would never watch the videos. I have them on the computer but part of Al-anon is not throwing the past up in their faces... you have to live day to day.
IT's sad that WE as family and friends of the alcoholics suffer since usually they are too drunk to care or in my husband's case he has no memory of the incident that led to his getting sober. Sadly I have to relive it every day.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 March 2015):
 SVC is right, and I can't add to her excellent advice.
I feel for your son, who at 14 shouldn't have to see what he is seeing and get verbal and emotional abuse from a drunk mother.
Do you have a smart phone with a video recorder?? You should record her rants, because I doubt she knows what she is like when she sobers up.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 March 2015):
I'm sorry Male anon but a THREAT is useless.
If the OP's wife can't control her drinking she is an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a disease not a choice or a moral failing.
Now a boundary with an ultimatum IF done properly and followed through, may have an effect. It did for my spouse but for him losing me was not an option and for me being with a man who is drinking is not an option. His choice, get sober or lose everything. He's sober 69 days today. And as long as he's working his program and going to meetings I'm willing to work with him. IF he drinks, the marriage is over. BUT I never THREATENED it. The words "if you drink again I'm leaving" never came out of my mouth. Besides if you threaten it and don't do it you have no credibility.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2015): A threat that you will leave her is a good incentive for her to change. I thnk she should know that you are contemplating leaving her because of the drinking and that all she has to do is seek some help for that. Give her some reasonable deadline like a month or so and tell her that by then you want to see her take concrete actions in ending her drinking or you will leave. She behaves so because she knows she can get away with it but once you put the marriage on line she will reconsider. In your case you really have nothing to loose because dealing with a drunk is impossible and reasoning does not work either.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 March 2015):
IF your wife has any sort of issue with alcohol you may benefit from Al-anon and your son from Al-ateen.
both for for family and friends of alcoholics (do not say your wife is NOT an alcoholic, if she drinks so much she gets abusive even if it's only once n a while she has an alcohol issue and denying it does not help you or her)
Al-anon can teach you how to detach with love and keep yourself and your son sane while your wife is in the throes of her disease.
BTW those that still behave badly when not drinking are called dry drunks.
feel free to PM me if you want to discuss it privately.
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