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He criticizes my driving and it’s wrecking my confidence and ability!

Tagged as: Big Questions, Health, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 May 2020) 10 Answers - (Newest, 21 May 2020)
A female Germany age 51-59, anonymous writes:

Heeeellpppp, i am a long time driving vihicles already. Im driving bycicles, real motorbike sometimes with 1 or 2 behind me as passenger plus my baby dog infront basket ( please dont get mad" that is normal in asia, when your small baby dog is train to that since 1st month old ), either manual or automatic motorbike is not a big deal for me and so with car too manual or automatic im used to drive it. Im capable and experienced driving either left or right side of the road. Im from europe but i use to drive asia like Thailand road, england etc. I am making a long drive tour from San Francisco way to my favorite place on earth Monument valley then way through famous Las vegas and halleluja in gods guide i didnt catch accident. But now, since im with my bf, living together, everytime he is with me in driving, he ALWAYS, alwaaaayssss criticize my way of driving, and that is for almost 5 years now. Slowly im losing my self confidence with my driving to the point that yesterday i hit the stone at our parking place during my parking. Im having now a nervous problem when im driving. Dont remind me to talk to him about it, because, believe me guys i talked to him seriously a million times already, dont do that to me, because if i lost my self confidence in driving that will be a very dangerous thing.. but it always get into a very very very seriously big fight. I am scared that because of that, i cant drive properly anymore.. please tell me what to do.. sometimes i dont wanna drive anymore my car with him but he is getting angry all the time.. sometimes when we are going somewhere i am already pretending im not feeling well so he will drive just to avoid me driving and skip the big fight.. im crying, because i still love driving but im scared to lose my self confidence because of his criticizm ?????? help, how should i deal with that.. im having anxiety with it already huhuhuhu

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2020):

Thank you Honeypie for your last comment which showed I am not alone at least in part of my comment. I was thrashed by aunty BimBim and called stupid by the female anon commenter of 21 May 2020 for advising the poster to let her bf drive since he doesn't trust her driving skills.

This is the last time I write a comment on this site. It seems this site is taken over by male haters who see men as oponents and antagonists who must be put down in every oportunity. Next time I want female company I think I will go and hire one of those blow up type sex dolls.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (21 May 2020):

Honeypie agony auntMy advice?

Tell him to drive as you are fed up with the criticism. If he tells you to drive and then complain the moment you start up the car, it's time to pull over and tell him to drive. Just be calm when it happens.

I'm a way more cautious driver than my husband, always has been. So when he starts any "backseat driving instructions" I ask him if he wants me to pull over so HE can drive because I don't need those instructions. He hasn't done those in 16 years lol. So for me that worked.

And yes, IT IS annoying being criticized when you aren't doing something "wrong". The thing is, you HAVE to find a way to let it go in one ear and out the other. HIM criticizing doesn't mean HE is right in what he is saying.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2020):

To the male anon. ALL men DO NOT criticise women's driving! What a stupid thing to say! I have had numerous men in the car with me when I've been driving who have been complimentary (surprised complimentary actually, so maybe those times were backhanded compliments), but I've had perfectly lovely, adult, normal boyfriends who realise that driving is easily accomplished by both sexes and don't feel the need to bolster their own confidence by being classically sexist.

To the OP. I had an abusive partner (not saying your is) who constantly criticised my cooking although I was a good cook and had cooked for decades. It gets to you doesn't it? In the end I totally lost confidence in my ability and he would laugh at me. Your partner's constant criticism does sound over the top. Any other strange behaviours?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2020):

Hello everyone,

Im the one who wrote this question. I thank you all very much for quick reply. Just wanna add this, i do not and never drive any vehicle if i put any single drop of alcohol in my mouth. I am really a very responsible driver and yes i do drive in asia also for 18 years in thailand and bangkok road is really not a joke and i guess all of you know how is it the driving in europe high way. My bf is a good driver too that its true. We are living together, we travel together, we are both ok, but when it comes like this, im really having a huge problem with him. I dont really know what to do anymore.. im really really scared to lose my self confidence. At the first year together it was nothing, but its getting worst. Now we are almost 5 years together and everytime we go somewhere, anywhere he wanted me to drive but then after a minute he will start complaining already, its just really, really nerving huhuhuhu... but thank you all guys, its a kind of calming knowing that i am not alone dealing with this issues... god bless us all...

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (20 May 2020):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntThe age old battle, lol. I usually drive when we go out because I am happy just to limit my drinking to stay well below the limit whereas OH likes to have enough to take him over the limit. That does not, however, stop him saying things like "Go, go. What are you waiting for?" when I would need to screech away with spinning tyres to get out of a junction safely, or "I could get a wagon through that gap". I just respond with things like "And now we know why your car has marks all over it and mine doesn't" and "Would you prefer to get out and walk, because it can be arranged?"

You can't stop your boyfriend being an idiot but you can either stop letting his comments bother you or start sticking up for yourself. You KNOW you are a good driver so why are you letting his comments get to you?

Come on, girlfriend. You got this.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2020):

Aunty BimBim, c'mon don't be so sensative. I am not telling the poster not to drive. I am telling her that her man has a problem so when he is with him she should let him drive if they are sharing a car which most couples do. i.e the man drives unless they take turns if they are on a long journey. My wife is a working woman she has her own car and I have mine. Usually when in her car she drives. when in mine I drive. I think that is the norm whether you are in SA or in Australia.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia +, writes (20 May 2020):

Aunty BimBim agony auntTo the anonymous male who says the letter writer should just let the man drive to keep him calm. Really, is that really your advise to a woman who has written asking for help on how to deal with a man who is so consistently criticizing her that she is losing her self confidence, a fact that is very worrying to her to the extent she is concerned about losing what driving skills she has, and your response is to just let the critical man win and stop driving all together?

In case you haven't noticed she is not living in either the 1950s or Saudi Arabia. Get with the times!

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia +, writes (20 May 2020):

Aunty BimBim agony auntHey there, Im a competent driver but I would NEVER attempt to drive in Thailand, Bali or China, where the traffic is organised chaos! The fact you have driven in different countries, including Thailand, suggest you are a more than competent driver.

Stick up for yourself, if its your car you drive. He can either come along and not criticize your driving or he can get alternate means of transport. How recently did you meet your boyfriend, if he is a critical sort and doesn't listen when you try to communicate your concerns then maybe you need to dump him at the next gas station on your road trip.

His negative attitude will be ruining your road trip experience, why let him do that unless he brings extraordinary joy to you in a multitude of other ways?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2020):

All men criticize their women's driving. It really depends on you not to let it affect your confidance. I tought my wife to drive and I used to really criticize her but eventually she turned to be a better and much more careful driver than me. She has never had an accident and she used to drive more than me. My advice is let him drive when you are together in the car just to keep him calm because the problem is in him not in you.

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A female reader, hilary United Kingdom +, writes (19 May 2020):

hilary agony auntI had a similar problem to yours. When I started driving my guy would come out with me and sit in the back seat telling me I was going too fast, too slow, too close to kerb and all the rest. I had to put my foot down and say look I would like you to come out with me but as a passenger not a teacher/mentor or tutor. Can you do that? If you are going to rethink and second guess each thing I do then I will go on my own. He learnt from that. You must say it firmly as if you mean it and stick to it.

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