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Friend will not accept I am unable to visit her this year.

Tagged as: Friends, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 June 2024) 5 Answers - (Newest, 12 June 2024)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

One of my best friends lives in Italy and I tend to fly out once a year for around 10-14 days to see her and her daughter who is my goddaughter - she is 6 years old.

I’ve been going over every year (covid aside) for the past 11 years - she has only visited me once here in the UK as she and her husband do struggle a little with money.

This year I’m unable to go fly over as I’m going my cousins wedding in Cyprus for 2 weeks. When I told my friend this she started to guilt trip me saying how my goddaughter was going to miss me etc… I explained that financially I just can’t afford it (something she should understand) and also I don’t have many days holiday left as I’ve had a lot of commitments this year and I need to save some holiday incase I need them towards the end of the year.

She just doesn't really seem to get it she just keeps saying “ see what you can do” and then gets my goddaughter to leave me voice notes and videos asking me to go visit them l, sounding upset etc…

Then she says thing to her kid like “she’ll come over, she’ll find a way, she won’t let us down” which is just giving the kid false hope.

I’m upset too that we won’t see each other this year but it’s really annoyed me that she’s using her kid to guilt trip me - which hasn’t worked , it’s just made me realize how selfish she is and I’ve seen her in a different light.

I really don’t know how to make it any clearer to her, without being rude that i won’t be going and to stop giving her kid false hope!

View related questions: best friend, cousin, money, wedding

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (12 June 2024):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntThat poor child is being set up for disappointment by one of the people she should trust most in her life - her own mother. Your friend should be thoroughly ashamed of herself.

If I were you, I would speak to the child and say something along the lines of "I promise you I will never lie to you, no matter how painful the truth may be. Here's the truth: much as I would love to come and see you this year, like every other year, I honestly can't. I promise I will make it up to you next year."

After that, point blank refuse to even speak about it.

Enjoy the wedding.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2024):

Well the thing is, when you don't turn up then she has no choice but to accept it. It's pretty dispicable how manipulative she is being and she should know better than to get the hopes up of a 6 yr old as they hold you to it when you make a promise.

That said, leave them to it. I love Italy as much as the next person but is going into debt worth it? Certianly not when you can easily go next year. Enjoy your cousins wedding in Cyprus and give it not another thought. Your goddaughter will be made up to see you next year with lots of Whatsapp calls in the meantime.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2024):

HoneyPie said it - emotional blackmail.

I had a friend (accent on "had") who would emotionally blackmail me and wouldn't take no for an answer. She would always, ALWAYS look for ways to make me say yes. She even lied.

Anyway, when she decided to have a kid on her own (bought the seed and everything), I just couldn't take it anymore. Before she went to an IVF she started blackmailing everybody around herself, because she "wanted to be a mom" we needed to bend to her will. Then she was pregnant, than she had the baby and in her own words - she had the right to do anything.

Her best childhood friend, whom she asked to be the godmother to her kid, stopped all contact with her. And actually, I want to tell you what she told me:

People like that never care about anybody but themselves. In their minds, we are ALL here to serve them. They have children because they're terrified of being alone and they use them as a bargaining chip.

So there you go. Just say no and stop discussing it with her. And rethink your relationship with her.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2024):

Send the child a small gift with a little note that you hope she and her mum have a happy summer but you can't be there to enjoy it with them.

Then post it to the mum with a note wishing them both a happy holiday but sorry you can't be there.

And then forget about it!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 June 2024):

Honeypie agony auntTell the friend that she needs to stop using her kiddo to guilt trip you. SPELL it out to her.

That the one HURTING your goddaughter is HER, her mother - by filling the kiddo with nonsense.

Stop listening to the voice mail.

This is emotional blackmail, but she is using her kid. How gross!

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