A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:One of my best friends lives in Italy and I tend to fly out once a year for around 10-14 days to see her and her daughter who is my goddaughter - she is 6 years old. I’ve been going over every year (covid aside) for the past 11 years - she has only visited me once here in the UK as she and her husband do struggle a little with money. This year I’m unable to go fly over as I’m going my cousins wedding in Cyprus for 2 weeks. When I told my friend this she started to guilt trip me saying how my goddaughter was going to miss me etc… I explained that financially I just can’t afford it (something she should understand) and also I don’t have many days holiday left as I’ve had a lot of commitments this year and I need to save some holiday incase I need them towards the end of the year. She just doesn't really seem to get it she just keeps saying “ see what you can do” and then gets my goddaughter to leave me voice notes and videos asking me to go visit them l, sounding upset etc…Then she says thing to her kid like “she’ll come over, she’ll find a way, she won’t let us down” which is just giving the kid false hope.I’m upset too that we won’t see each other this year but it’s really annoyed me that she’s using her kid to guilt trip me - which hasn’t worked , it’s just made me realize how selfish she is and I’ve seen her in a different light. I really don’t know how to make it any clearer to her, without being rude that i won’t be going and to stop giving her kid false hope!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2024): Presumably you like visiting your friend each year or you wouldn't keep doing it. But she has no right to assume you will always do this, come what may.
It's possible that she herself will miss your visit and is using her daughter to pressurise you.
Tell her how you feel about this situation, using 'I' statements. Tell her you know she's disappointed but you can't be two places at once. That you're disappointed too but it's a family wedding. The key thing is to let her and your Goddaughter know that you care and would come if you could but can't do so this year.
Do you talk on the phone or Internet between visits? Maybe you could have a few longer calls this year to compensate for not being physically there. As you're old friends you can surely get past this hitch.
Enjoy the wedding and your time in Cyprus.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2024): Money and the differences between us can come between a friendship. When I made a lot of money and retired young
I found it very hard to make friends because I kept meeting people who had not worked anywhere near as hard as me, some had never worked at all, or studied and passed exams to make something of themselves, or sacrificed holidays and nights out and weekends off to improve their future, and had no money.
So we had nothing in common and they could not afford to even go out for a coffee and pastry. I met people who thought it was ok to just turn up on my doorstep when bored and hungry rather than arrange something where it costs a few dollars but this was no good to me, someone who plans her days in advance and values each second and does not sit around twiddling my thumbs in case someone fancies being with me instantly at last minute.
One of these people used to keep telling me how lucky I was I had a much bigger house than her, and two cars etc. The truth is she had never worked a day in her life and had chosen to be a mother and have children instead - something which is very expensive.
It seems to me you have a similar problem. You are not well matched with your friend. She does not appreciate that you work etc.
Personally I would not have got into a situation with someone like this, nor would I do most of the travelling each time. If they cannot afford the time or expense of meeting every other time then it would not happen.
But you have allowed this to happen year after year
so to them this is how it will always be - which is very convenient. And, of course, you have no idea of how much money they do or do not have. She probably prefers it where you have all of the expense even if she has as much as you.
I would offer to do zoom or whatever with the god child regularly and say that is the best you can do. But stop explaining how busy you are and all the rest, stop making an issue of it, don't allow her to do this to you. She thinks if she goes on she will get her way and you will cancel something else. She wants proof she is very important to you and can manipulate you. Maybe she is jealous of you and wants to make suffer and have some power over you.
Never explain to someone why you say no, they always come back with excuses for why that should not matter or why they should get their way. I very much doubt the god daughter is as upset as she makes out anyway, it is her that is upset and angry, not the child, but it sounds better if she says it this way, you are supposed to feel more guilty when she claims it is a child who is upset!
I had a situation recently where one of my neighbours was not happy about something about one of my apartments nearby. She had just bought it and moved in. Now she was demanding that I decorate it and make it look much better to her tastes. I heard her out and reminded her that it is exactly the same as it was when she viewed the property and decided to buy it. She said that she did not have a good look and had failed to notice it. That was her choice.
According to her she only had a few minutes to look at the property before deciding. This was idiocy, nobody sane would look for just a few minutes before deciding such a big decision. Every time I went past her place she would rush out and start shouting at me that she demanded I do as she said. This went on for a few days. The next time I saw her and she started again I said "I have told you I will not decorate the other apartment, I will not discuss it or stand here listening to you going on about it either - goodbye" and walked off. This is how you should be with your friend. Let her prove to you that she is not as selfish as she appears to be and worth staying friends with. And if she cannot you have not lost much.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (12 June 2024):
 That poor child is being set up for disappointment by one of the people she should trust most in her life - her own mother. Your friend should be thoroughly ashamed of herself.
If I were you, I would speak to the child and say something along the lines of "I promise you I will never lie to you, no matter how painful the truth may be. Here's the truth: much as I would love to come and see you this year, like every other year, I honestly can't. I promise I will make it up to you next year."
After that, point blank refuse to even speak about it.
Enjoy the wedding.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2024): Well the thing is, when you don't turn up then she has no choice but to accept it. It's pretty dispicable how manipulative she is being and she should know better than to get the hopes up of a 6 yr old as they hold you to it when you make a promise.
That said, leave them to it. I love Italy as much as the next person but is going into debt worth it? Certianly not when you can easily go next year. Enjoy your cousins wedding in Cyprus and give it not another thought. Your goddaughter will be made up to see you next year with lots of Whatsapp calls in the meantime.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2024): HoneyPie said it - emotional blackmail.I had a friend (accent on "had") who would emotionally blackmail me and wouldn't take no for an answer. She would always, ALWAYS look for ways to make me say yes. She even lied. Anyway, when she decided to have a kid on her own (bought the seed and everything), I just couldn't take it anymore. Before she went to an IVF she started blackmailing everybody around herself, because she "wanted to be a mom" we needed to bend to her will. Then she was pregnant, than she had the baby and in her own words - she had the right to do anything. Her best childhood friend, whom she asked to be the godmother to her kid, stopped all contact with her. And actually, I want to tell you what she told me:People like that never care about anybody but themselves. In their minds, we are ALL here to serve them. They have children because they're terrified of being alone and they use them as a bargaining chip. So there you go. Just say no and stop discussing it with her. And rethink your relationship with her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2024): Send the child a small gift with a little note that you hope she and her mum have a happy summer but you can't be there to enjoy it with them.
Then post it to the mum with a note wishing them both a happy holiday but sorry you can't be there.
And then forget about it!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (11 June 2024):
 Tell the friend that she needs to stop using her kiddo to guilt trip you. SPELL it out to her.
That the one HURTING your goddaughter is HER, her mother - by filling the kiddo with nonsense.
Stop listening to the voice mail.
This is emotional blackmail, but she is using her kid. How gross!
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