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Ever since our threesome, I'm quite attracted to this man

Tagged as: Cheating, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 January 2022) 14 Answers - (Newest, 11 January 2022)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

im 26 years old.female, married 3 years ,no kids and need some advice...about a year ago my husband and i had a threesome with a single friend of ours, after having a few drinks together at a bar...it wasnt my idea for this to happen , but it did.....

my husband didnt really enjoy it due to the effect of all the alchohol he drank that nite..he couldnt perform, so ended up watching

i guess......our friend didnt have the same problem, and i had sex with him, and to be honest it was very intense for both of us, We were like 2 wild animals....since a year ago and unknown to my husband i have been getting together with this other guy at his apartment whenever we get a chance, usually when my husband works nites..

i love my husband,we have a good relationship, and would never leave him, but i am hooked on this other guy, and the sex is incredible, so good that i cant get him out of my mind.... all of this wouldnt have happened if my husband didnt initiate the threesome last year,,,

I dont like sneaking around and leading this life, its stressfull at times, but i cant even imagine breaking it off with this other guy...any thoughts or advice ?

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A male reader, Anon21 Australia +, writes (11 January 2022):

Hi OP there is one question that no one has asked and that is have you and your husband talked about the threesome? or have you and your husband just carried on as as usual.

OP communication is key to a successful marriage you need to ask your husband why he initiated the threesome you need to tell him how it made you feel. Did you consciously or unconsciously think 'if this is what you think of me then I will continue this with his friend' etc. Is your husbands friend an Alpha male did he pressure your husband into having the threesome after the few drinks? this may be why your husband could not get an erection. Did you fancy your husbands friend and used the threesome as an excuse to have sex with him. Do not think what sort of man allows his friend to f---k his wife, because he could ask what sort of woman went along with it and didn't tell her husband to pull his head in and tell his friend to rack off. Maybe the wife likes the illictness of an affair.

OP you need to think what you want in life and do you want to stay married to your husband. In the course of a day or week how often due you think of your husband and how often do you think of his friend and arranging the sex you and him are having. How much sex do you and your husband have now compared to before the threesome. Your husband may have or will eventually notice the difference and it won't take him long to figure out why and who with.

One thing if or certain you need to STOP the affair with your husbands friend so you can think clearly about what you want. Go to counselling with your husband if he does't want to go then go by yourself this may help you to talk through the issues.

You need to start resolving this issue NOW otherwise the decision about your marriage will be taken away from you.

I hope everything goes well with you whatever you decide.

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A male reader, Anon21 Australia +, writes (7 January 2022):

Hi OP you can blame your husband for initiating the threeseome but you also must take some blame as you could of said NO. As husbands have told their wives when they have been caught cheating 'It didn't mean anything it was just sex' and you can wonder how that turned out for those cheating husbands? The same thing will happen to you if your husband finds out.

You want the security of being married to a good man but want hot sex from his friend. This will not last as either your husband will find out or his friend will break it off once he has had his fill or you become to needy.

Don't tell yourself that you are in love with your husband's friend because if you left your husband for him you would have to put the work into that relationship just as you should be with your husband.

What sort of a man screws his friends wife certainly not a good one. If your husbands catches both of you the friend will run a mile away from you. Test your lover tell him you are going to leave your husband for him then see what happens.

Break things off with your lover and put the work into your marriage. It is up to you if you tell your husband what has been going on this will test what morale integreaty you have.

good luck you will need it.

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A male reader, Kofcalifornia United States +, writes (6 January 2022):

I cant believe you thought this was a hmgood idea. You said you cant see uourself breaking it off with this new guy. So dont. Enjoy as much sex as you can with him now. You might hit the lottery and your husband might be okay with being a cuckold. Your marriage is probably over. So just focus own turning this situation into some type of positjive.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2022):

Both you and your husband share the blame here.

It seems you no longer love your husband and whatever it was you shared died long before the other man came into the picture. For any husband to decide to watch his wife fuck another guy (especially while limp himself) is beyond comprehension. He was drunk and made a stupid call, unbelievable in fact. He probably fantasized about it and in a drunken stupor decided to make it real, and look what happened. All fantasies should be kept in the realm of imagination because this is just another text book case of a fantasy blowing up in your face. And ruining everything. Although I suspect your marriage was ruined already for your husband to do such an atrocious thing and for you to even the score with the equally atrocious act cheating by agreeing to the threesome and then continuing the cheating.

For you to actually introduce fantasies after ONLY 3 three years together suggests you made the wrong choice from the start. Why did you even marry this man? Why did he marry you? Three years OP is still the infancy of a marriage. For the most part, people who are dumb enough to try to introduce threesomes into their marriages have been married for years and years. And it still doesn't work out and it still doesn't make it right.

Was your husband always a jerk? Did your love for him cloud your better judgment even though you always had a nagging doubt about him? How long did you date this man? Were there no red flags then? I would love to know the history between you and if there was infidelity involved before. Even consensual?

Either way, this marriage is dead in the water. Not only because your husband was okay with watching the woman he "loves" have sex with another man but because that same woman had sex with another man while the man she "loves" was watching!!!

I will tell you this in parting. If a man who fucks a married woman wanted a life partner, it surely would not be the married woman he is fucking. I would bet the farm on the fact that if you decided to ask him for more... more time, more affection, more love, more anything, he would dig in his heels and you would see his walk out the door. He is getting easy and free sex. Don't think for a minute that this is love. Not for either of you. You are not free to love, it is just lust. He is not interested in love. It is just lust.

If you want to save your mental health and a world of trouble, block this guy and never have anything to do with him again. He does NOT RESPECT you. He thinks you are easy and vulnerable and he is USING you because you have offered yourself to him on a silver platter. No man respects anything he gets easily and readily. The problem is that you DO NOT respect YOURSELF! You are allowing him to USE you. Decide on the fate of your marriage although I think the damage is done and it would not be an easy road for either of you to ever trust each other again. You will only fight and be at each other's throats until one or both of you throws in the towel or has other affairs.

You made a big mistake. It is not too late to walk away with your self respect. Think more highly of yourself. There are clearly many issues you need help with. Call a therapist today. Love yourself more, and let go of the concept that a man can validate you or make you feel whole. That is bullshit. You need to feel whole all on your own. Happiness is an inside job. It starts with you. Become confident on your own. Sex does not define you. Any man can fuck any woman at any time. It does not make you special. Just realize that either of these man can replace you. You need to build enough self esteem and self respect to have a life of your own, without seeking out male attention to make you feel worthy. Good luck.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2022):

I will spare you the lecture because what's done is done, but I would ask you what compelled you to ask this question in the first place? You know what you are doing is wrong otherwise you wouldn't feel torn.

You also know the answer to your own question, I think what you are looking for is for someone to tell you that what you are doing is okay. Well, IT'S NOT.

All you have to do is imagine that instead of this guy, it were a female friend that participated in the threesome and she got it on with your husband while you were passed out, and they have been meeting behind your back ever since. How would you feel?

Break it off with one of them TODAY, but to continue doing what you are doing is hurtful, shameful, selfish, and just plain mean. I think you also know that if you were to leave your husband for this guy, the sex would stop being so exciting and you will have nothing but remorse to go to bed with at night.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2022):

It is easy to be excited by someone new and forbidden. He has not been with you as long as your husband nor has he done all the heavy lifting your long term partner (husband) does. It is easy to be hooked on someone new whose warts and faults you do not see yet. He has them, just like your husband. You just don't see them yet because you are infatuated with this affair partner. That wears off. But love does not. Love grows once the infatuation and fucking like animals stage wears off. And it will. I know. I was a mistress. Been there, done that. You cannot keep fucking someone without eventually having to make a decision. Or the decision will be made for you once your husband finds out or your affair partner gets tired of you or wants a real relationship with an available woman. You are just fun and games. No single man would ever take a married woman seriously. How could he ever TRUST you if he got into a relationship with you? He would worry you would also cheat on him, the way you are cheating on your husband.

Is it worth losing the man you love for some side cock? Honestly, OP, you cannot truly LOVE a man you are hurting and disrespecting behind his back. Hurting someone for your own selfish needs is NOT love. You are only USING your husband for security and safety while having fun with someone else. That is wrong on every level. And so unfair to your husband as he is being loyal to you while you fuck around. How would it feel if you found out your husband was sexually attracted to another woman and having sex with her while you weren't around? Think about how it would feel and if you would not want it done to you, then stop. I know it is hard to stop because this man is like a DRUG, but all addictions can be stopped if you really WANT TO! You DO have a choice. You are at least taking that all important first step by admitting you have a problem.

I think your emotional connection with your husband has been damaged once this threesome happened and it went downhill from there. Perhaps deep down you were resentful at your husband for caring so little about you to even contemplate (and actually FOLLOW THROUGH) on a threesome? But I believe that for anybody to go through with a threesome, a marriage is damaged from the start. Perhaps your marriage was not in a good place when all this began. Perhaps you need to accept this and talk to your husband about fixing your relationship (counselling is strongly suggested) and tell this man it is over. Honestly, even if you got together if you left your husband, eventually the trust issues would break you apart. And so will your guilt of what you have done. Try putting all your effort into fixing your marriage IF YOU REALLY LOVE your husband. If that does not work, stay single and find yourself. Then date. I would suggest starting over with a new guy because you have lessened your chances of a healthy relationship with an affair partner. Take care.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2022):

If you want to stay with your husband, you have to end this now. As HP said, eventually you will get caught if you continue. If you can't end your affair then I think the best thing to do is come clean with your husband and probably divorce. The sooner you do one or the other the less pain you will inflict.

It may have been his fault for introducing you to sex with this other guy, but it's on you for sneaking around to see him.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2022):

TBH I find it impossible to imagine a situation like this in reality.i.e a wife making passionate love to a stranger meanwhile hubby is present and watching. It is good as a fantasy or a scenario for a porn clip but I would say near impossible in real life. I certainly have never in my life have had an offer from a friend to join him in a 3some with a g.f let alone a wife.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2022):

I meant to say:

"You may think he doesn't know about your affair."

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2022):

Hey all you readers out there, consider posts like these when you are deciding to open your relationship (or marriage) to outsiders for sex. You'll inadvertently invite temptation and cheating into your relationship. Who's to blame? The cheater, or the person who gave permission/agreed to include a third-party, or more? BOTH! Play with fire, and you'll get burned!

You gave the usual excuses, and rationalizations. Blame it on the alcohol, or your husband. You claim to love your husband, but not enough to live-up to your wedding vows? "No" is a very simple answer, if you've weighed all the consequences aforehand. You both put your vows aside, for a moment of forbidden pleasure.

So, here's a catch you may not have considered. It could very well have only been a setup. He cleverly setup a situation to make you cheat; and meanwhile, he can cheat his ever-loving brains out! He now has something to rub your nose in, and throwback in your face; if you ever catch him cheating. He makes this proposal to have a threesome on the spur of the moment (as it might seem); but suddenly he can't participate. He's too drunk to do it, but sober enough to set it all up? If he couldn't perform, why didn't he call it off? Why wouldn't you, if your husband was left only to be a spectator?

Oh-well! Now you can't get the other guy out of your mind. Meanwhile, your marriage is ruined; because you will no longer trust each-other. Was it all worth it? Now he will use this as an excuse to get even. Only, it won't be a threesome; it will be him, and another woman. Are you ready for that?

I hope you can fix this, if you do love each-other. Trust will not be easy to find from now on. You may think he doesn't know about. I wager that he does, and he's going to use it to his advantage. It was his idea, and now that genie is out of the bottle!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2022):

Your husband is to blame for this as much as you. He wanted you to go with this other guy, he even thought it ok for it to be a spur of the moment decision with no real thought put into it. It was a very important and serious decision but he expects you to decide instantly when drunk? More fool him. He knew that if you agreed to if you would be cheating on him and he was fine with it. So I don't have much sympathy for him.

Yes you have cheated on him by sneaking off secretly since then, but he started the ball rolling. I doubt you would ever have done it otherwise.

I cannot see you cancelling the other guy, you find him too sexy and exciting. In the end that way win. Stop saying you love your husband, you don't. You should not even respect him after he orchestrated this. You are used to him, he is a habit, you have some good memories, but that is as far as it goes. The thing is, would this other man want to get serious about you, or is he like an animal just wanting you for sex and using you like an obliging blow up doll? You are saving him a lot of money on casual sex so of course he wants to meet up with you and enjoy you. That is very different to liking your personality, missing you when apart, caring about you if you are ill, or having anything else in common with you. I suspect you will end up stuck with boring stupid husband because he is not interested.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (4 January 2022):

Honeypie agony auntYou are a cheater.

Eventually, you will be found out, and then what?

Do you think your husband would want to be with you, knowing you are screwing a friend behind his back?

Do you think the friend would want you either? He is liking the screwing around because he has ZERO commitments to you. He doesn't have to be faithful with you, doesn't have to share fiances or and marital difficulties 9even the cheating).

You made vows to your husband. YOU are the cheater.

You want your cake (husband) and eating it too (the lover). But that isn't realistic.

Would you be OK with your husband screwing around behind your back? Getting caught up in an affair?

Your marriage is over. It was over the moment YOU made the choice to see this guy behind your husband's back, possibly even the moment you and your husband made the choice to add a 3rd person to the marital bed.

You know what you need to do, but for now, you are too self-absorbed and selfish to do it.

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A male reader, CMMP United States +, writes (4 January 2022):

It's not always easy to do the right thing. Keep in mind that passion is emotional 1st and physical 2nd. Due to your circumstances it's easy to have passion with this other guy but not as easy with your husband. If you were to leave your husband I guarantee your passion would fade with this other guy in a relatively short time.

So that, in my mind, means leaving isn't an option. Does that mean you stay and continue cheating on a good man? Risking your relationship and just not being a good wife in general? Or do you do the right, but not easy thing, and break up with this guy and work on improving your relationship with the one you're committed to?

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A male reader, kenny United Kingdom + , writes (4 January 2022):

kenny agony auntA good majority of the posts that come to DC regarding threesomes, and bringing in a third party into the bedroom, the outcome is that it never ends well, just take a look back at some past threesome posts.

More often than not one person starts to develop feelings for someone else, or develop a stronger sexual connection. I think that had you not gone along with this fantasy and put your foot down and said no you would not be in this position.

Unfortunately you can't unscramble scrambled eggs, you have done it now, you have brought your husbands fantasy to fruition, now you are sneaking around and have feelings for someone else.

You are now cheating on your husband, sneaking off to meet this other guy, which you and i both know is wrong, and not fair on your husband.

By your own admission you say you can't imagine breaking it off with this other guy, so there lies the dilemma.

You either tell your husband what is going on and start a new life with this other guy. Or leave the other guy and divulge to your husband what has been going on and hope that he forgives you.

Unfortunately either way i can't see things ending well, as i said in beginning this is the result of bringing in a third in the the marital bedroom.

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