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Engaged but I've seen someone new

Tagged as: Dating, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 July 2017) 11 Answers - (Newest, 20 July 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I am engaged to a man whom I have been in a mostly happy relationship for 9 years. He cheated on me three years in with someone at work but we got over it.

We are now engaged and the wedding is next year.

My problem is, I'm absolutely obsessed with a new guy at work and cannot stop thinking about him. He's exactly my type looks wise, very intelligent and has a really dry sense of humour, which I love.

Said guy works in a different dept. but we share the same office, we chat a lot over IM, mostly initiated by me. This guy is single (I think).

This seems like such an obvious one, as A) this guy doesn't even know I like him B) he may not even like me back C) I am engaged!!!

I'm guessing this is just a case of the cold feet brought on my the fact I have these feelings for someone else. I must mention that this is totally out of character for me and this has never happened before, I haven't so much as looked at anyone twice before.

View related questions: at work, cheated on me, engaged, wedding

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2017):

Thanks everyone.

I honestly think that it's nothing to do with the cheating, I really am over it. It was a long time ago.

I just think I've grown bored of my relationship, although I love my fiancé dearly. I need to work on fixing what is broken with us as I'd be stupid to give up what we have. I've been unfair in the original post really and focused on the new guy rather than my fiancé. He is kind, considerate, knows me better than anyone, attractive and funny.

I've been caught up in the excitement of chatting to someone new who I am attracted to and with whom I have chemistry with l and I understand that this needs to stop.

Thank you for your no nonsense responses, you've been a great help and have pulled me back down to earth.

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A female reader, Dionee' South Africa +, writes (20 July 2017):

Dionee' agony auntLet us assess by dissecting what you just wrote.

OP, I do not Think that you are ready to be married. You brought up his cheating which you are supposed to be over buts clearly you're not. You need to seek some help in dealing with that which has happened in the past, either that or consider seriously thinking about calling off the engagement.

Next, I think that your infatuation with this new guy is dangerous. This is mainly because you keep contacting him and it seriously is and will be frowned upon given that you work with this man. Keep your feelings out of it and try to maintain a professional working relationship with this man. That is what you need to do in order to secure your job and prevent yourself for falling even deeper into this mess that you've created for yourself.

Also, Are you sure that you want to get married? I mean, leaving the guy at work out of the equation, are you sure that your relationship is ready to be taken to the next level? You sound as though you have trust issues and it sounds as if your relationship isn't where you'd like it to be.

My dear, assess your relationship and leave the guy at work out of it. Whether he's single or not is irrelevant because you aren't.

Think long and hard about this marriage that you're about to enter. If you are not ready, do not go through with it because you will only be adding to the misery.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2017):

Clarification: "If you're contacting him outside of work,"

Meaning, flirtatious chat unrelated to work.

Watch what you say using company computers. They may be monitoring your emailed conversations unbeknownst to you!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2017):

What's your crush/infatuation with a guy oblivious to your feelings, got to do with anything?

Was it necessary to mention your boyfriend cheated three years into your relationship? I thought you said you got through it?!!

Oh, I get it! Mentioning he cheated was to deflect any judgement against you, and to let us know he's no angel. Okay!

Call-off the engagement, or quit messaging the guy at work!

You're misleading both men.

You're implying you don't really care if the guy has a wife or girlfriend. You don't, if you have never asked. If he does have a girlfriend or wife; remember how it felt when your man cheated on you? Oh, surely you do! That's what this is all about!

You're flirting with someone you work with, that in itself is a no-no! That's diddling with where the bill-money comes from, and rolling the dice on your job-security! I guess you're deleting your IM's so your fiance wont find them. Already you're plotting a web of deception and betrayal. You should just breakup and call it a day. It's the principle of the thing, if nothing else!

Your forgiveness is obviously tainted and half-hearted. Conditional on getting even. You apparently feel justified for some payback. Not a way to proceed into a marriage. Things are too sour!

Again you're trying to deflect commentary or justify your misbehavior by mentioning he's in another department. Then how did you get so obsessed with him when he's not that close, and has no idea how you feel?

If you're contacting him outside of work, I guess he knows you're crushing on him by now. So what are you planning to do about this obsession? Based on his looks and dry sense of humor, you say.

If you're planning a wedding next year, hopefully you haven't purchased a dress or submitted any deposits. Your nine-year relationship has lingered six years past the expiration-date.

You really don't seem to realize the impact this behavior has on your credibility. It says it's not as it appears, and you're feeling vindictive.

You didn't really get over his cheating, and you've now found a way to get even.

This is soooooo going to bite you in the ass! I smell a backfire! I don't see a good prognosis for your future marriage. You're starting-off on the wrong foot!

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A male reader, Katung44  Nigeria +, writes (19 July 2017):

Being engaged or married doesn't mean you found the perfect partner. Our obsession with perfect relationships is the reason why they don't last. Find someone whose virtues compliments your vices as a person and who your virtues compliment their vices also. Don't make the mistake of looking for perfection in humans because it doesn't exist

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A female reader, celtic_tiger United Kingdom +, writes (19 July 2017):

celtic_tiger agony auntI think the fact you put you are engaged as your 3rd potential problem should be ringing alarm bells.

You are obviously not feeling the way you should about your partner and with a wedding in the planning.

End this relationship, be honest about how you really feel about your fiancee. It is not fair on him if you don't feel the same as he does.

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A male reader, judgedick France +, writes (19 July 2017):

judgedick agony aunthe cheated once 6 years ago and it is still being dragged up, So you never got over that

The one where you say you're mostly happy in your relationship is saying you're not really in love anymore and looking for love somewhere else.

End this relationship first before you move on and stop playing safe with your BF

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A female reader, Caring Aunty A Australia +, writes (19 July 2017):

Caring Aunty A agony aunt“...but we got over it” I don't think that's quite true OP cause you’re eye wouldn’t wander elsewhere as it’s totally out of character for you right?

Underneath the surface (subconscious) YOU have not got over it; with your partner cheating on you in the past. Indeed Cold Feet would arise with a Wedding next year when this guy at work arouses your senses.

Perhaps this is an omen/sign of a sort? Advising you to tread or rethink carefully in either direction? The fanciful co-worker who is a complete devil you don’t know or the “forgiven” Fiancee, the devil you do know.

For me there's NO getting over or contemplating Wedding bells with someone who had cheated on me. Just as it's not in my character when engaged to entertain feelings for someone else. I see your dilemma.

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (18 July 2017):

Fatherly Advice agony auntSo you initiated an emotional affair with one man, while you were engaged to another man. If I was your fiance the only conclusion I could draw would be that you don't love me, are not committed to me and are most certainly not going to marry me. Of course he is also a cheater so he may be interested in negotiating an open marriage. That is something I really don't understand.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (18 July 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntInteresting that you only mention love once - and that is in reference to your work colleague, not your fiance. DO you love your fiance, or are you marrying him because you have been together so long that it is the next "logical step" and comfortable and "easy"? Has it come to a point where it is "make or break" - i.e. you either get married or break up? If so, a piece of paper will not stop you breaking up anyway.

Also interesting that you mention next to nothing about your fiance, except that he cheated on you 6 years ago, but rave on about how wonderful this colleague is.

I also found it interesting (I found your whole post "interesting"!) that you mention how this colleague is a no-brainer because he doesn't know you like him and might not like you back. Then, as an afterthought almost, you mention "I am engaged". Should that not be the first and most important point against doing anything about this new guy? Are you saying that, if he did know you liked him and liked you back, you would do something about it? If that is the case, then you really should be giving serious thought to whether you should be marrying your fiance as, if not this man, then another one will come along who will turn your head and you will give in to temptation at some point. If you don't love your fiance enough not to consider cheating on him even BEFORE your wedding, it really does not bode well for your relationship.

I suspect your relationship with your fiance may have run its course and be in its death throes but you are thinking a wedding will breath new life into it. I doubt it will. Think carefully about this wedding.

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A male reader, Phil052 United Kingdom +, writes (18 July 2017):

Phil052 agony auntLeaving the 'new guy' aside, your post suggests to me that you are not 100% sure you are doing the right thing, getting married. I can understand this given that your fiancé cheated on you, and you describe your relationship as 'mostly happy' which is a bit worrying. Is this a reference to his affair or are there other aspects to your relationship that have been a problem? I think the new man is a distraction from your uncertainty about your marriage and therefore you need t separate the two and decide firstly whether you really want to marry your fiancé.

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