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Early friend dating and sensing a conflcit coming

Tagged as: Dating, Friends, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 September 2023) 4 Answers - (Newest, 23 September 2023)
A male United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I have an inquiry about new friends. I try and be very open to different kinds of friends. I've seen people who are closed off and I feel they miss out on great people because they are so safety-concerned and any sign of remote conflict, sends them into closed-off mode. For me, I do find because I'm so open this can result in ill-advised friendships that end either explosively or me having to fake fade them out by emulating growing apart. Both are uncomfortable with my own values.

I had made a new friend, and very soon after meeting, I could feel the differences between us. As well as him being intelligent and fun, he seems not to respect boundaries and in fact somehow pleasure in getting me out of what he perceived as stuck ways. For instance, his social life seems to pivot on drugs and alcohol, and he seemed to show signs of unease that I don't want to drink or take drugs, he wasn't forceful about it but wasn't really respectful either. Also, we seem to have different communication styles, I sensed some passive aggression coming from him and he ended up having a mini tirade at me on WhatsApp about how I didn't listen to him but also his irritation about how I always used "I" statements. I asked him if he would be willing to talk in person about it or even a phone call as I sensed a disturbance and if I had done something wrong it would be good to sort it out. He replied telling me that I was very in my head and essentially should get out of my house and take a deep breath. This intense exchange came after only meeting three times. After the second meeting, he told me he had a great time, the truth was that I had a nice time mostly but were definitely feelings of not feeling listened to or safe around him, I don't know if it was because of the different sense of humor or communication styles.

My gut is saying this is simply not a match. Any attempts to smooth things over have been met with slight ridicule or low-key aggression. What are the aunts and uncles takes on what you have an over-riding bad feeling and try and fix it? How much do you keep the door open versus following your instinct?

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (23 September 2023):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntA few things came to mind as I read your post:

1. You have a gut instinct to protect you. If your gut is telling you this "friendship" is not good for you, then listen and call it a day.

2. Friendship should not be such hard work, especially early on.

3. If your new friend's life revolves around alcohol and drugs (your words), everything else will always come a poor second, including his friends. You deserve better.

4. Last, but definitely not least, I get the feeling you are fighting for this friendship just to prove the point that you are "open to all kinds of friends". Pick friends who make your life better, not worse.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2023):

What is wrong with moat women? They want to be equal until you stop courting, wooing, complimenting, paying... and then they with hold sex and act like its a prize to be earned. IF they really wanted equality they'd be a lot quivmcker to put out without making you jump through hoops. Since women have birth control options they really don't have much of an excuse to get pregnant unless they're trying to trap a guy and as far as paying for it is concerned, that shouldn't have to be a thing if women truly wanted to be free and equal. Problem is, even if you treat them like a friend or a sister (as in, no sex), they complain that they're "treated like a dude" or that guy's are "being mean". They all want it both ways! Seems "let's just be friends " means they want a girlfriend with a punishment or a boyfriend they don't have to sleep with. I've tried to convey this, but no one understands. I wish "the gentler sex" would actually act like it. Let men be men, stop emasculated them, act like real ladies and I bet there would be less DV! The only traditional women out there are church girls and they're judgmental, prissy, cold and think too much of themselves. How do I find a real woman?

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A male reader, kenny United Kingdom + , writes (18 September 2023):

kenny agony auntYou really have not know him for very long, and the little time you have there are some red flags, which are a sign that you should walk away.

Passive aggression, ridicule, low key aggression, drink drugs. Come on OP, you know in your heart of hearts that this guy spells trouble, and if you still around you will end up getting hurt.

You met 3 times, and there is a myriad of red flags that would make most people run for the hills. And that is what i think you should do.

Don't waste your time on him, block/delete, and move on with your life.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (18 September 2023):

Honeypie agony auntWhy would you want to be friends with someone whose life revolves around drink and drugs?

Especially, if that is not something you want in your life.

"How much do you keep the door open versus following your instinct?"

You listen to your instincts.

That doesn't EXCLUDE you from using your brains too.

It's OK to realize that someone you THINK could be a friend isn't going to be a friend after all.

"but were definitely feelings of not feeling listened to or safe around him"

You don't know him. You have met 3 times and your GUT (aka instincts) are telling you that he isn't a safe person to be around and that quite frankly, he doesn't GIVE a flying DUCK about what you think and feel).

I'd say don't waste your time on this one.

If you have to "smooth" things over after having met this guy a MERE 3 times, you know it's time to pull the plug and block, delete, and move on.

He is NOT the guy you think he is or that you WANT him to be. Accept that and let him go. Stop investing so much in someone who isn't investing back into you.

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