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Do I tell the woman I'm dating that I had an affair with a married co-worker?

Tagged as: Cheating, Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 May 2016) 2 Answers - (Newest, 28 May 2016)
A male United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I need help, this has been driving me crazy recently, giving me endless sleepless nights. Ill set the context.

Last August/September not other way of saying this other than I started having an affair with a married woman. Now im 26 and was free and single and the time she was 28 and married for just over year. Now we work together, we were friends first, all i heard was about her husband fighting, taking drugs and how they had problems etc. Now i would never act on anything especially if she was married. But over time feelings developed on both sides, and one night we just kissed and it kinda went from there. Now in hindsight i should never got involved i know this, and looking back it was more of lust and infactuation rather than pure feelings but at the time it didnt feel like that. So we were having sex on and off for a couple of months, until i came to my senses and ended it. Now my relationship now with this woman is one of we no longer have each others number nor do we have each other on any social media platform etc. At work we can have a laugh at times and say hello and that is where it ends, no feelings of any kind and she appears to be doing better as shes recently an aunty and shea off on holiday etc. Now my question is, ive recently started dating a girl from work, again we are both single and i really do like her. Got past the meeting the friends and parent stage etc.....but do i tell her about the married woman, bearing in mind this happen 6/7 months before i even saw her let alone spoke to her or even dated her?. Now i know the married woman would never tell her nor would ppl at work who no either. They both dont know each other nor have mutual friends or hover in the same circles, but im worried as to whether to tell her and risk losing what we have at this stage?. Even though i happened way before i met her and i was single? Help please, thank you

View related questions: affair, at work, co-worker, drugs, married woman, on holiday

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A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (28 May 2016):

YouWish agony auntI'm going to give you a "No, don't tell her" with conditions:

You weren't the one doing the cheating as you weren't married or with anyone, but you were an accomplice to *her* cheating. Make a point to commit to never being with another married woman. Ever.

Do not have any sort of contact with this married worker outside of the barely necessary professional conduct at work. Do not have her on any social media, or your phone, by all accounts, NO sort of contact whatsoever. If you haven't burned your bridges with her, DO SO NOW. It sounds like you've already done this step, but you'd be surprised at the little things people subconsciously leave undone, that little flame, love note, file on a computer, saved emails or texts from the hot and steamy period. Delete it all, or you'll have to explain it later.

If she hears it from someone else and asks you about it, DO NOT LIE. Don't lie or deny it. If she asks why you didn't tell her before, explain what you just told us, that you were single, and it was a big mistake that you eventually cut off all communication with her beyond work, and that it's over and will forever be over and should have never happened in the first place.

Do *NOT* go to a company party and get yourself in any compromising position with the married woman. Don't take a ride from her or give her a ride. Don't dance with her...treat her like she has ebola, and DO NOT go anywhere that isn't the office. Don't get all stupid and nostalgic and say "We're platonic now" because you and she can never be platonic. You and she had a sexual history, and like a dormant volcano is still a volcano, a dormant affair is still an affair, and you do *NOT* break your current girlfriend's heart with the "We had too many drinks and just lost control" thing. That married woman must be DEAD to you outside of absolutely minimal AT WORK hi/goodbye. No get well cards. No going out to lunch or coffee. None of that.

If you can't abide by any of this, then tell your current woman about it. But if you can, and this woman has nothing to do with you and vice versa, then leave it in the past and never speak of it again to anyone. And again - if asked by your current lady, DO NOT LIE. You'll kill your relationship if you deny it.

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia +, writes (28 May 2016):

Ivyblue agony auntNo, not voluntarily any way. I say no assuming that you have learnt your lesson and gained back some moral sense. Because cheating, whatever the reason or circumstance, a serious character flaw IMHO. Neither you or the woman you cheated with may let the cat out the bag however I think it would be a bit naive to think co workers will keep mum. If it does get around the office and back to her, then all you can do is man up and come clean with out trying to justify your actions, instead own it as you should. Fingers crossed hey!

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