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College student in need of a lot of help.

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Question - (23 May 2010) 3 Answers - (Newest, 23 May 2010)
A male United States age 30-35, *hrome writes:

Hello. I am glad that I have found this website again. Two years ago, I had stumbled upon it and asked a question, but I lost the address.

I am in serious need of some help. I am 20 years old, just finished my second year of college, and I have never been on a real date and have only kissed a girl once.

I am trying very hard to develop my social skills so that I am no longer afraid of attractive girls but also so that I can truly appreciate myself.

I went to an all boys school for six years before college, and my social skills have really suffered as a result. That in turn has greatly lowered how I perceive myself. I have a horrible tendency to overthink situations which has definitely kept me from being happy. School is out for now, and I feel that may be a problem since I am isolated from any kind of dynamic community for a few months. Before the summer, I had been going into therapy at school, but I feel like it didn't do enough. For a few weeks I took antidepressants, but I decided to stop after not seeing much improvements.

I don't know how to keep this brief. I have been obsessed with the idea of dating for years. It has been an unobtainable goal for so long that my mental health has degenerated as a result.

I am so confused right now as I am writing this. I don't know what else to say to you people who don't know me without giving my whole recent life story. There's nothing specific to talk about other than I need help meeting girls and then being able to interact accordingly.

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A male reader, Red Green 0289 United States +, writes (23 May 2010):

Ok, first, get back on a self-care program and start taking small steps to achieve your goal. Think about this as a strategic plan (nothing too complex, we're not going to the moon... just a few dates!)

First, anti-depressants take weeks to build up levels in your system so they work. Some people feel a placebo effect that gets them to the point of them actually working. Get back on them for at least 2 months, they work and they work well. You deserve to not feel crappy all the time.

Attracting women is fairly easy if you're at ease. You need to find your comfort zone and live there. Having an agenda, or schedule to meet is going to give off weird vibes to the girls, so you need to avoid that. Women are attracted to confident guys not desperate ones. You just need to learn to project an air of confidence (note: the key is project... no have a 100% confident outlook- none of us have that!).

You need to find a place of common ground. Find a hobby or activity that is of interest, and where women are likely to be. It can be anything! But you need to be interested in it. It can be volunteer work or something creative. Take up a class that you always wanted to do, but had no idea how to. I took welding at a local art college. It was cheap and something that I (nor anyone else in the class) had ever done. Make freinds with people on day one, go and have a good time!

My university also had "fun-ed" classes at the student union that were designed to get folks to mix outside of their areas of study. Naturally the bar tending class was the most popular! (you could drink at 18 back then, and we did!).

Women don't usually want to hear your entire life story until they've gotten to know you. You need to learn the art of the conversation, and talk a bit about yourself, but show interest in her buy asking questions and then LISTENING to her answers.

oh, here's another thing to avoid. You'll never been able to convert a female freind to a GF. Many guys fall into the "freinds first" trap. Women either want to be freinds or lovers, and will put you in one or the other boxes shortly after meeting you. Once you're in the friend box, that's it... the only out is ex-friend.

There are a ton of great resources in the internet, and lots (may be too many) books on relationships. Try reading "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" for a basic overview of the differences in men and women. I found it to be interesting and a good first step to some stuff that I'd never heard before.

Finally, relax... it's the first step to getting to where you want to be... it's not easy, but it's far from impossible.

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A female reader, Emilysanswers United Kingdom +, writes (23 May 2010):

So basically you want a girlfriend....

and rather than chatting to a girl and asking her out, you've been going to therapy and taking god knows what kind of brain killing drugs??????

All you need to do is take a deep breath and smile at a girl in your class. Say HI! when she walks past. If she smiles back and says hi then next time you see her, try introducing your self.

You need to just get over yourself and ask someone out. You are not so special that you are different from other guys your age. Just ask to copy someone's notes over a coffee, or see if they want to have lunch.

Good Luck!! xx

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A female reader, Xtina356 United States +, writes (23 May 2010):

During your time off from school, get a part-time job working at a coffee shop or somewhere where girls work and frequent. Talk to each girl that comes in as you would your friend. Eventually, you won't feel uncomfortable around girls. When you meet a girl that catches your eye, you won't be afraid to talk to her. In the meantime, just keep practicing by talking to random women, most of which you wouldn't want to date and eventually you will feel comfortable.

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