A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband of six years has a good heart, generally, and we have a three year old daughter together. I care about him a lot, but I can't stand living with him anymore. He is often very moody, controlling, and can have massive temper tantrums. He can be super controlling when I want to do things for myself. And when I tell him to do likewise for himself (i.e., go out, go camping, have some personal time) he yells and complains that he doesn't have time. He plays emotional control games and can be emotionally abusive. He blames me for all the things that are wrong with our relationship, and he has told me several times over the years that he doesn't trust me. After years and years of this behavior, and dozens of hours of therapy, I just cannot physically stand the stress of our huge nuclear fights any more. I want out, but I feel like I owe him because he supported the family when I was in graduate school for engineering. Even though he always held this against me. Does my feeling of guilt over his support while I was in school mean I should stay? I feel our fighting is bad for our daughter.Thank you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2014): You don't have the obligation to stay, you may have the obligation to pay him back monetarily. I have seen cases where one person has paid for anothers grad school and when it didn't work out, the court stated that the payor was entitled to a substantial portion of their future earnings as the paying of the tuition now represented an "investment."
A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (9 May 2014):
 My advice is to first get your ducks in a row. Then speak to an attorney and when you're ready make your move.
When it comes time to declaring your intentions to him, I strongly suggest you be matter of fact, to the point and totally unapologetic. This is not cruel, nor is it meant to be. Focussing on his feelings encourages him to do the same and it allows him to shift attention away from his behaviour which is what ultimately led to this.
A good heart means nothing unless it manifests itself in action. Your husband is only nice when things are going his way. The real measure of a man is how he behaves when things aren't.
OP, you're not abandoning him. You didn't just up and quit the minute things didn't work out, OP. Your husband is a grown man who was born and raised on the same planet as the rest of us and he learned the same lessons about appropriate behaviour we all did. He's had several YEARS and countless chances. This is on HIM.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2014): Hello Aunts and Uncles. OP here.
Thanks for responding.
I know asking for a divorce will destroy him emotionally. How doe I go about doing this? What is the best approach?
Thank you.
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A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (6 May 2014):
Supporting the family while you attended graduate school does not give him a free pass to behave badly the rest of the time. You'd have done the same for him had the shoe been on the other foot.
You can be grateful to him, but keep it in perspective. His support was an investment. He didn't pay for you to lie about and watch TV all day. I'm assuming that because you took something useful and practical like engineering that you're working in that field now and bringing home the income associated with it. So he's more than benefited from your education.
It's bad for your daughter and bad for you to remain in a toxic environment and this is hardly the example you want to set for her.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 May 2014):
 I like the idea of offering him alimony in a divorce if you can afford it.
I also strongly like the idea of seeing if he's willing to go to therapy and couples counseling... BOTH private therapy for him and couples for the marriage.
DO NOT stay because you think you OWE him something. I would let him know that you have to leave for your mental health and because you do not want your child to learn that this is how husband's treat wives.
If you are concerned about his temper with your daughter you need to consider his visitation as well...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2014): Married with a child together. How about you first see if the problems can be fixed? Tell him how you see him and that you can not live with his behavior any longer. Insist he gets counselling. If he refuses, tell him you are moving out and you won't be back until he has his temper and controlling ways sorted out. Then go, but keep the space open for him to return for a period of time. Don't date others, which will destroy your marriage, just leave the situation.With regards to the money, It is hard to say if you owe him anything legally/morally, as it depends what he was doing at the same time, where your are now with regards to earning capacity and what you contributed during that period etc. If you can not work out if you owe him anything or not, the courts will. You certainly don't have to STAY with him. He chose to support you, and in a way, it is a risk he took and a gift he gave as part of your relationship. If you had been on your own and put yourself through graduate school, where would you be now financially? IE - would you have a huge loan/debt to repay? how did you contribute in other ways while he financially supported the family? etc..... you could give this some thought and see if you feel you owe him anything financially.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (5 May 2014):
 There are many ways this could be answered. It is a challenge as an Aunt / Uncle to pick the right advice. You start out by saying he has a good heart then go on to catalog his faults with some very strong words like Massive temper, and Abusive, and Nuclear fights. You say you feel guilt because he supported you through Graduate school, and you also feel that you should stay together for your Daughter.
From my point of view it seems you are not quite desperate to leave. You are still deciding. I'd like to poke a few holes in your arguments. One if your fights are abusive and loud, there is probably more hurt than support for your daughter. While I believe every child deserves to be in a family I also believe that that family should be loving. Next the money, This used to be handled with alimony. I would say that if you were willing to offer alimony for the same number of years he supported you that should handle that guilt.
Lets look at your situation from an outside point of view. First you are a strong woman, you completed a tough competitive degree in engineering. You know that you are capable and you feel confident. But that strength is being undermined by his insecurity. His accusations are an attempt to keep you from feeling that you can do without him.
Wrap up. I'm not an advocate of divorce. Your obligation to stay with him comes from the promises you made to each other. But remember those promises also included the promise to love and support each other. If one promise is broken the whole contract is suspect. I don't believe anyone should stay in an abusive relationship.
FA
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