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Am I crazy to want a partner who desires me and finds me attractive?

Tagged as: Family, Health, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 June 2014) 5 Answers - (Newest, 29 June 2014)
A female Australia age 51-59, anonymous writes:

I have been married 16 years and have been bothered by something that may seem trivial to some people. I am aware that all people will notice other attractive people but my husband seems to have a real issue with this and I have talked to him about this before . He did become more discreet which I appreciated

Now here is the main issue . We split about six months ago mainly due to financial issues and wr have worked through those. Now he is talking about reconciliation and I am considering it. We have been spending time together which is great. However, whenever we are out it seems I cannot look at him once without him staring at some woman , his jaw on the ground. He never ever had anything positive to saw about my appearance and this had always been the case since we met , even when I have go to considerable effort to look nice

I'm tired if feeling like an old hag that he clearly doesn't think is worth a second look whilst women he doesn't even know seem to capture his eye so easily. If this is how it is when he is trying to reconcile then I can only imagine nothing will change when we are back together, especially as we grow older together and I've already talked to him a couple of times in the past about this

Is there any point .. Am I crazy to want a partner who desires me and finds me attractive? Should I even consider reconciling


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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (29 June 2014):

Sageoldguy1465 agony aunt"... seem trivial.." Hell, NO!!! It's HUMUNGOUS!!!! .... and if this creep hasn't (and can't, or won't) figure it out.... then you are well rid of him.....

Good luck....

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A female reader, 02DuszJ United Kingdom +, writes (29 June 2014):

02DuszJ agony auntNot only must it do your head in, but it's extremely Disrespectful, hurtful, humiliating for him to ogle to the point where he trips over table legs??? SERIOUSLY?? It's no secret men like to appreciate beautiful women, but to this extent??

It really doesn't seem like he makes any effort to show you you're appreciated? Does he even appreciate you? .

You don't deserve someone who has so little consideration for your feelings, your pride, dignity. You deserve someone that DOES make you feel special and desirable. Because that's what love is! That's what you should genuinely be to them.

I suppose try counselling, but for me it WOULD be a deal breaker. He's old enough to know better and don't think it's going to change... Decide if you want to opt up with this stale old set up.

Good luck :)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2014):

No madam, you are far from wrong to expect your husband to show his desire for you. You are not wrong to expect him to keep his eyes respectfully and lovingly-focused on his wife, and his mouth closed; as other women walk by.

Your husband may be too old to change. He is probably only reconciling; because it would be more economically feasible than going through a divorce. If you don't recognize any changes, this is certainly a "no-brainer"(requiring no further thought or consideration)issue.

Why waste anymore of your life watching that man drooling over other women? It defies my understanding, how you've been able to put up with it this long? We faithfully and patiently dismiss so much nonsense from our life-partners. There finally comes a point of reckoning. This is it.

Why would you even ask such a question in the first place?

Is marriage all about what keeps him happy, or what keeps the both of you happy?

Counseling was recommended. I think I recall your original post on this subject. I don't think counseling will stop your husband from gawking at other females. As I do recall, you said he has tripped over tables; as he turned his head to stare. That was humiliating for you. Especially, at such a mature and sophisticated age.

This is an ingrained habit you've been observing for years.

I think you've had your fill, and should make a final decision. That decision should not completely rest on this issue alone. Overall, is he a good husband? Is he kind, considerate, comforting, generous, and strong when you need him to be?

If the pros out-weigh the cons, maybe some counseling will help. If the balance leans the other way, call your lawyer and kick that sucker to the curb. Enough is enough.

Marriage-counseling rarely helps; unless "both" parties are extremely committed to make their failing marriage work.

It doesn't cure people of bad habits.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia +, writes (29 June 2014):

Aunty BimBim agony auntArrange a few sessions of couples counselling, your GP may be able to recommend somebody or if you are in a city or larger town, organisations such as Lifeline or the Salvation Army may be able to recommend somebody.

I would be reluctant to reconcile with a man with whom you have already discussed this ogling of his .... so he was able to become discreet with it previously, why can't he continue ... is it a lack of respect in that he doesn't believe how you feel, or a lack of caring how you feel?

For me, both would be deal breakers ... and if they are for you as well, then let him know, give it to him with both barrels. Let him know its crunch time, either he shapes up or you will be out of there.

I hope he hears you

Good luck!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2014):

You're not at all being unreasonable in wanting to be with a man who is attracted to you. But I'll say this plainly:

Men look. It's in their nature. And unfortunately there isn't going to be anything you can do to stop your husband from looking at women. Even if you manage to get him to stop doing it in your presence, he's still going to look at other women when you're not around.

However, you can take solace in the fact that unless he's spectacularly young and *good looking* himself, (I'm going to assume at this point he isn't) the women he's looking at aren't paying any attention to him at all. You say you've been married 16 years? Well, rest assured you can also look forward to the day his eyesight is going to fade and he won't be able to see his hand in front of his face - that will stop him from shamelessly gawking dead in his tracks.

Also, if you want to drive it home in a tough love sort of way, you may deliver a little caustic joke like this when he's gawking, "Maybe you should ask her for her phone number. I bet you a $100 she'll laugh in your face. Or have you arrested for being creepy. LOL!"

Jokes aside and as far as reconciliation, I hope you're both in counseling together, and I hope you mention this to your counselor and your husband - that you feel slighted by the fact that he barely seems to notice you despite your best efforts while he can't stop rubbernecking the passersby. It's disrespectful and humiliating. Make it a dealbreaker upon your decision to reconcile - he better clean up his act or he needn't bother coming back.

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