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33 and torn between two men, past and present!

Tagged as: The ex-factor, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 September 2006) 4 Answers - (Newest, 28 September 2006)
A female , anonymous writes:

Hi All

I've posted questions about this "lurve" problem before, but I still need some help...

I fell madly in love with a neighbour - we knew each other as friends for 3 months, and then got together.

We were both totally smitten with each other. However, from being a neighbour, he ended up living abroad with his family, as he fell ill suddenly. This was initially a temporary thing until he'd recovered (he has type 1 diabetes, a chronic illness). However, we saw each other once a month, and spoke on the phone at least 3 times a weeks. I could feel his love whenever we were in contact.

3 months into this relationship, he cut all contact with me and didn't answer any of my calls. I was devastated.

I had to do my best to move on, and just regarded him a total rat after this. I held onto my pride and didn't contact again either. I was extremely angry with him for treating me this way, and started to wonder if all his confessions of feelings for me in the past were fake...

Anyway, a few weeks ago, I heard he had collapsed and was very ill. This upset me greatly (even though I am now with someone else), and I decided to call him.

Whilst I was certain that we were "over", I didn't even ask him anything about "us" - just wanted to see that he was ok. But he brought up our relationship telling me that due to his illness, he decided to stay near his family (outside the UK), and meant that us seeing each other would be no good. He explained he couldn't see me or talk to me cos I made it too difficult for him, as he knew he wasn't coming back to UK.

I was devastated, as old wounds have now been opened up. Whilst I thought he was a rat and didn't have any feelings for me, I realised that he felt as much for me as I did him, but circumstances have led him to be where he is (long story). I could even feel his feelings whilst we spoke.

Now I just don't know what to do. I thought I was happy with current bf, but I keep thinking of this ex. But at the same time, I know this is no good, as my ex will not be living in the same country as me - he's made that decision, so there's no way we can even get back together. He won't have me come up to be with him in his country, as his family will disapprove (we are of different races, and his family are quite against this). Part of me wanted to tell him that I still loved him, but I didn't see the point, as we hadn't spoken for the past 6 months, and I suspected that he had probably moved on (as men do!!) Plus I still had my pride. Whatever the situation, I was still the one being rejected.

Whilst I know i can't be with this great love, I am with a good man. A man who has loved me for the past 3 yrs, but whom I always brushed aside. I am trying to make it work with him, but for some reason, I don't view him on the same "level" as I. There is no spark or chemistry, although there is love.

I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I have had a history of relationships with men that I've fallen for deeply, but for one reason or the other, they've never really ended up committing to me.

Right now my current bf is away with work (has been away for the past month) first I missed him like crazy. But since that conversation with my ex (and noting my upset state about this), all I can think about is my ex. Clearly it doesn't help with current bf not being here...

I'm 33 and I don't know whether this current bf is my only chance of having someone that truly loves me.

I'm just not sure if I will fall in love again, so am scared to let go of this great guy.

Can anyone help?

View related questions: get back together, move on, my ex, neighbour, spark

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2006):

Hi there.

I'm the original poster of the question.

Just want to say thanks to all of you for taking the time to answer.

Yes, you are all right in the fact that I must close off whatever feelings I have for my ex. I know I have to do this. At the end of the day, he does not want to have a relationship with me any more, or at least his circumstances have dictated that he can't.

Secondly, I have decided to wait until my current bf returns, and really test and see how I feel about him. That way, I should be able to make up my mind one way or another. It's just scary being single again, but I know that it would be better than to be with the wrong person.

Thanks again for all your views.


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A female reader, Toria +, writes (27 September 2006):

Toria agony auntYou need to forget your ex, talking to him will open old wounds for more than one reason or other one of them being the fact he is now someone you can't be with and for some of us the love that hurts the most is the love we can't have.

You really need to work through your feelings for your current boyfriend (probably best done once he gets home and you get to spend some time with him) and see how you feel towards him, if your feelings for him aren't what they should be then you need to let him go as you are holding him back from finding someone that will love him the way he can love them, same as you deserve to find someone you can love as they love you.

Good luck :o)

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A male reader, fallenman United Kingdom +, writes (27 September 2006):

fallenman agony auntBeing a bloke I cannot claim to know how you feel about finding another partner if this one falls apart. From what you say about your ill ex although you feel rejected, is this really true? Could it also be true that he has had a devestating life experience which may have negatively impacted his future hopes and expectations that he with the attendant family issues can nolonger cope with.

Being 33 and being fearful of fulling in love again could drive you to make a decision that you could live to regret. You have nearly two thirds of your life ahead of you, don't jump and settle for second best.

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A female reader, Donnah +, writes (27 September 2006):

Donnah agony auntEverything was fine until that call. Curiously, why did you call to begin with?

Sounds like there was no "closure" to that. Plus that relationship is taboo...not accepted by his family. That only increases the desire to be with him. We want what we can't have. It's strange but it happens, hence reverse psychology.

You need to close that chapter of your life forever. Obviously, it is not meant to've found someone that you CAN be with. Although you say there are no sparks, was there an attraction in the beginning?

Sparks die out, in fact they only illuminate for seconds at a time. You say love is there. Let's start with that. Love, number one, is not a "feeling". Some people think that when there are no more sparks that there is no love.

I have a child; when I am upset with her, I still love her. Do I love her less? No.

Find closure in this other person. Sure you'll always wonder did it work out or could it have worked out....but then you are not living in the PRESENT. You are living in the PAST. And living in the past....there is no tomorrow.

Embrace who you are with now. I would also analyze why you are with him. To be with someone because you want to be and to be with someone because you HAVE to be are two different things. And in the end, you will be unhappy.

Take some time off if you need to to fill in the gaps of your heart. You need closure from the first person. Then your heart needs to be whole before you could be with someone else.

Here is a metaphor: Here is a cookie jar. When your cookie jar is full, you could give some cookies away (to friends, loved ones, etc...). If your cookie jar is half full or running low, you need to fill up your cookie jar before you could give anymore away. Otherwise you run out of cookies and you have none for yourself and none to give away.

Tell me what you think of this.

Take care,


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