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14 and want a baby...

Tagged as: Big Questions, Pregnancy, Teenage<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 November 2009) 16 Answers - (Newest, 2 August 2010)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Im 14 and i really want a baby. i know this sounds stupid at my age but its all i think about. i havent had a good education at school so far but i think if i have a baby it will be great. just somebody to love to be there for to give it a cuddle when it crys will just be amazing. i see lots of people with babys and that keeps me thinking more and more. people say its hard but it just doesnt seem to change my mind i need somebody to help me fast before its to late.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2010):

hunny i no u think u do, but really u dont want a baby at 14! Ur body isnt physically ready to suport a child or emotionally! My sister is 15 and pregnant atm and is in horrible pain. She's also put on alot of weight which has put extra strain on her knees nd back. And also labour is horribly painful! Being a young person means your hips havent developed properly making natural birth very difficult. Honestly there is no hurry, youv got all the time in the world to be a mum! 14 is so young your still a child yourself. Wait a while hunny, coz give it a year or 2 and u may fins you've chnged your mind!

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A female reader, giggle` United Kingdom +, writes (3 December 2009):

I had my first at 16. Yes they cuddle you and eventually are able to tell you that they love you, but they also get ill and keep you up all night and scream at you when they dont get their own way! And what about the pregnancy, i've had 3 and only one of them has been 'good'. Please think long and hard before making that big leap into parenthood.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2009):

No mention of a boyfriend in this post, wait till you have someone that you've been going out with for at least a year and a half and trust fully.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2009):

You say you haven't done well in school so far... what do you expect to gain from an education as a single mum? If you get pregnant at 14,15,16,17 or even 18 you choices as an indiviual go down to 1. Looking after a baby. It does look nice when other people have their lovely babies that laugh away and have rosey cheeks. That nice image will disappear right away at 3 o'clock in the morning when it wakes you up and you can't figure out what it wants. I think you like the idea alot more than the reality. Live you life and grow up a bit before you start worrying about creating another life and becoming another statistic.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2009):

honestly i think once girls get their period theres some universal thing that clicks in our heads and we get kinda baby crazy

i know that i have no money for a kid whatsoever but i so want one too!

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A female reader, Ricky2727 United States +, writes (30 November 2009):

No... you really don't want a baby at this age. You realize that having a baby this early is throwing your entire life away? You're going to miss out on all the awesome times you'll have in high school and college because you can kiss those things goodbye. A baby isn't just feeding it and helping it when it cries... it's a lot more than that... it's a lot of money for things you'd probably have to buy yourself... diapers, toys, food, medical care, child care, college funds... and all of those aren't cheap! Just because the present isn't looking so good right now doesn't mean there won't be a brighter future ahead and a baby will certainly not solve those problems. In fact, it will only complicate your life this young. Listen... you're 14 freaking years old... worry about what shoes you're going to wear to the dance... not having a baby. Sheesh

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A female reader, leogirl18 Canada +, writes (30 November 2009):

Hello

I can understand how you feel like you want a baby. I am 18 and want to be pregnant and have a baby so badly, but I know if that happened my life would become very hard. And I know that waiting is better in so many ways.

Here are a few things to think about:

-At 14 years old you have not experienced all the great things of being a teenager

-You have not yet reached the age to get a driver's license - when a baby needs diapers and formula and everything else, or going to a doctor, or if there was an emergency, how would you get somewhere?

-You are not old enough to have a credit card or any form of credit, so where would you and your baby live if you can't buy a house?

-Is there really a 14 year old boy that wants the same thing and would support you and his family? You have to know that just because a woman gives birth to a baby doesn't mean its just hers. It takes a man to help create a baby too.

-At 14 years old your body is not physically ready for giving birth. Your hips don't reach their full size until you are about 21.

-You are still a baby yourself in a way that you have far too many oppurtunites, experiences and years ahead of you

-And you are not even an adult yet

Is there some thing in your heart you feel you are missing that you think the love of a baby would replace or fill? Something like a parent not present in your life? Or you don't feel loved by your own parents? or don't feel good enough?

If any of these are the reasons, then having a baby will not fix it. You will just end up creating the same thing for the baby, and will just have a continous cycle of unloved children wanting babies.

I hope you find a purpose in life and when you fall in love with the right man, at the right age, you will get married. Then when the time is right you will have a wonderfully perfect baby!

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A female reader, TasteofIndia United States +, writes (30 November 2009):

TasteofIndia agony auntSo I don't have to write out my answer, I'll just give you this link:

http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-can-i-control-my-urge-to-have.html

I think you'll find it very relevant and helpful (besides the miscarriage part), and if you read through the advice, you'll come to mine. I'd say the exact same thing here.

Good luck, be smart and put yourself and your life first. Get yourself strong and together, get an education, and take some time to mature (get some more worldly experiences and knowledge) so that your baby can come into a solid world with a wise Mama.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2009):

When i was you're age, I wanted a baby. But I got a puppy instead, and he's so perfect. I take care of him as my child ! :D

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2009):

All the things she said are totally right. Just to add one thing that might help you see that having a baby at 14 just probably isn't a good idea:

I'm 19. When I was 14 I wanted to have a baby too. I, like you, thought about it all the time. And on one point, I disagree with the woman above- it wasn't just a phase. I still want one. I still think about it all the time. But I think about it like this. I wanted one, I still do, but I'm SOOOO glad I didn't have a baby when I was 14. Hell, senior year was the best year of my life! I had such a great time. I made all my best friends that year. You'll be missing out on that.

College! You can kiss college goodbye if you have a baby now. And, yeah, college sucks. It's hard. It's stresful, but because I didn't give in to my obviously deluded notion that having a baby at 14, 15, 16, 17, 18 was a good idea, I can go to college. I can get a good job.

Honestly, I want a baby more than anything in the world, but I know that putting that financial strain on my fiance is unfair. Putting that burden on my parents is unfair. They worked hard to give me the opportunities that I would be throwing away if I had a baby.

Just wait. I'm still waiting and guess what? I'm almost there. Having a baby will be something that I can do in the near future, while still giving it all the things that it wants and needs.

I promise the time will fly by. It really does "feel like just yesterday" that I was 14, because I was having so much fun on my way to being 19(without a baby!). In the blink of an eye you'll be there. I swear.

I always thought I was SO mature for my age and I actually was. Adults always told me that. But in the end, even though I was more mature than most girls my age, that didn't mean I was mature enough to have a baby. I know that now.

I have changed so much in the past 5 years. Grown up so much. You can't even imagine how weird your 14 year old self will seem to you when you age even only 5 years.

PLEASE WAIT.

Right now I'm at a point in my life where I look to the very near future and see HUGE changes like moving out and getting married and having a baby. It's VERY exciting, but now I see that it's scary too. You'll be where I am so soon it will seem like only a year has passed. But if you have a baby now, you won't get to experience the feelings that I am feeling even at this very moment and that would be a huge loss for you.

Sometimes when adults tell you that "the time will fly by" and "you'll be there before you know it" it sounds silly because they are so much older than you it seems impossible that they could remember what its like. I feel that way sometimes still. But I'm not that much older than you so make sure you know that I do remember feeling the way you feel very clearly. And, yeah, they're right. Time does go fast. Take advantage of this. These ARE the best years of your life. Not college. Not when you have a baby. It's high school. Don't throw this away.

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A female reader, DrPsych United Kingdom +, writes (30 November 2009):

DrPsych agony auntIt doesn't surprise me to hear that you want a baby. Teenage girls from less-than-perfect backgrounds often think a baby is a solution to their problems but it is not, and it would be really selfish to have a baby so young. I have a 2 year old son and he is truly shattering, but the exhaustion is ok because I have a nice house, a nice husband and money in the bank. Bringing up a baby on benefits is just a lousy way to live your life - children raised in poverty have poorer life chances and your teen-baby may end having the same rubbish school life as you. There is nothing wrong with having a baby but you should have one because you are at the right time of life (20/30/40) to give that baby the best chance in life. They are not always cuddly - my baby has never liked cuddles, but he sure knows how to punch and cry...he is delightfully cute too, but babies are expensive and time-consuming. Put your life in order and live a bit before you start thinking about starting a family.

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A female reader, k_c100 United Kingdom +, writes (30 November 2009):

k_c100 agony auntThis question is asked a lot on this site, by many girls aged between 13 and 18. At least you say you want to be talked out of it - most of them come on here, ask for advice and then ignore it anyway because they claim they are "so mature for 13/14/15" etc. So this is pretty much what I say to all of them:

First of the all the reason you "want" a baby is because of puberty - your hormones are running riot in your body at the moment and they are designed to make you think you want a child. As soon as you start your periods technically your body thinks it is ready to have a child, so this is an instinct that has long been built in to our bodies. The whole point of life is to reproduce, so as soon as we physically can reproduce our bodies start urging us to do so. So what you are feeling is normal however it is a phase - and you will grow out of it! Just because your hormones are raging it does not mean you have to follow them; medicine and society have come a long way and we know it is not a good idea for teens to have babies.

Here are just a few reasons why:

1. Teens have a much higher risk of complications during a pregnancy. You would be particularly susceptible to have small/underweight babies (due to your body not being developed enough to allow the baby to grow properly), premature birth and high blood pressure. Small babies are 60% more likely to have health problems and even die at birth or in the first few weeks of their lives.

2. You are still a child yourself and dont have much life experience. Think about why your parents are great and the good things about the way they brought you up - I bet a lot of it has to do with the wisdom and knowledge they were able to pass on to you. They only gained that wisdom and knowledge through experiencing life for all it has to offer, not giving up a large part of their childhood to raise children! At 14 you are just starting out in the world, you have so much left to learn and so much more growing up to do. So if you dont let yourself learn and grow fully, you wont be able to pass anything on to your children because you just havent experienced enough to know anything about the world! Surely you want to be able to offer your child as much as possible, so they grow up in an enriched environment and they become intelligent, successful people? You will be severely limiting their chances at this if you have a child now.

3. Finances. Where do you think you are going to get the money to have a child? They cost more money than you can ever imagine - even for a couple with 2 good incomes a child still drains all their money and they struggle for cash. Yes you might think you have the financial support from your family, but is it fair to ask your family to spend all their extra cash on supporting you because you decided to get pregnant when YOU want, not when is BEST for everyone? You cant rely off benefits from the government either - what they give you is a tiny amount and you will be wasting taxpayers money by becoming just another teen mum. When you have a baby you wont be able to do very well at school so you can wave goodbye to ever having a career or a well paid job because you just wont have the education to allow you to be successful. Before you have a child ideally you need your own house that you own, you should have a full time job and a partner with a full time job (both with career progression opportunities). Otherwise you are going to struggle financially and I'm sure you will want to be able to give your child everything it wants/needs - so surely waiting is the right thing to do?

4. Your boyfriend? Do you even have one? A child needs a mum and a dad to raise it properly, it is not fair to bring a child into this world without a dad that wants to stick around for the rest of its life. And even if you do have a boyfriend, the chances are he wont stick around if you get pregnant! The amount of times on this site I have seen young teenage mums come on complaining that after having a baby, their boyfriend's have left them or started becoming more distant/lazy. Every one of them always said "during the pregnancy he was really happy and couldnt wait for the baby to come" and then after it is born they are left wondering what went wrong while they are bringing up the baby alone! I know you might think that your boyfriend or if you got a boyfriend then he would stick around, but men are much more immature than girls during the teen years and when responsibility hits them, they get scared and run a mile! You are too young to handle this strain on a relationship that a baby brings. If you have a boyfriend and are still together in 5-10 years time then hell yes you can be sure you will be pretty fine once you have a kid. But right now, you both are still maturing and growing (they say men are not fully mature until the age of 30!) and you will change a lot as people over the next 10 years or so. So if you do decide to have this baby be very prepared to be a single mum and raise this child alone - and then struggle to meet anyone in the future because no man likes a woman with baggage (especially another man's baggage!).

5. Your social life. I am guessing you have lots of friends, and you like spending time with them right? I bet you like having fun at the weekends, going to the cinema and just hanging around with them. I bet you are looking forward to getting a bit older so you can start to go to clubs and bars and just have lots of fun. So are you ready to wave goodbye to all of that just to have a baby? Are you ready for your friend's to start ignoring you and you will be left with pretty much no-one? Are you ready to spend the next 18+ years of your life looking after one person, with no money to spend on yourself, no time to go out and enjoy yourself? Having a child is amazing a lot of the time, but only when you know that you have lived your life and had fun. Part of growing up is spending time with friends, when you get to 18 it is all about going out into town clubbing or going to bars....all of this you will completely miss out on! You wont have the money nor the time to leave the child and go out with friends, so for the next 18+ years you will be spending most of your nights at home with the child. While the child will be an amazing thing, you will resent him/her for taking away your opportunities to have fun.

I think you know deep down that waiting until you are in your 20's is the right thing to do!

At the end of the day you will want to give this child the best possible life, and give the child everything it wants/needs. But you cant do that while you are still a child too, and while you still have so much life yet to live. Finish school, go to college/University - get a good education and then a good job. Enjoy being young and being free - life gets so much more complicated as you get older so you really should just make the most of your teenage years as you will never get them back. Think about this - what would you think if you had a daughter and she came to you at 14 and said "mummy I want a baby" - I'm sure you would try and talk her out of it because you will know how precious being a child is, and how precious life is before responsibilities kick in.

After all, what is the harm in waiting a few years? What is the big rush to have a baby? Do the right thing, wait a while and you will be so glad you did wait.

I hope this helps and good luck!

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A female reader, bethaneymae United Kingdom +, writes (30 November 2009):

Im 16 and Ive felt the same for a year or so now so I wasnt quite as young as you when I decided i wanted a baby. at the time when i decided that i wanted one it seemed like the best thing to do but having thought it over ive realised ive got my whole life to have children and i am better off getting a good education and career so that i can earn enough money to provide for a baby. have you even got a boyfriend? you definately need to think about this because tbh its one of the biggest decisions you will ever make and could be a huge mistake. maybe talk things through with a memeber of the family or a friend that you feel comfortable talking to then make a decision because theres ALOT to think about. x

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A male reader, greg290352 United Kingdom +, writes (30 November 2009):

greg290352 agony auntIt's fairly normal for teenage girls to want a baby of their own - with some that drive is stronger than others especially if school does not offer them much. In fact my own daughter was the same as you and did get pregnant although a few years later.

Babies are expensive of course. Plus they want your love and attention full time. You will find it harder to get out to have fun. Also its a lot easier if you have a boyfriend or family help.

All the sensible advice is to wait until you are older but then for some girls the drive to get pregnant is just too strong.

Maybe talk to some of your friends who have babies to get a good idea of the problems involved? Good luck :-)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2009):

Before it's too late? What are you planning to do, prostitute yourself to get pregnant?

Okay take a step back. I understand. I have desperately wanted a child too, since I turned 14. I am now 24, and still don't have a baby, and I will explain to you why. Trust me I know, I feel the need as well, we want to give our love to our future children, and our mommy-instincts are sky high. You know you'd take such good care of this baby right? You'd want to do everything for it right? And just give it everything you have?

First problem with having a child now: You can not give it the best it needs. You are not adult, you do not have a job, you do not have any savings, you do not have your own place to live... and no you do not know enough about life to be able to give this child the best in the world. Love isn't always enough. You want what is best for your future child right? Then you need to wait. Wait until you have all of these things. Perhaps an education, and then savings.

Second problem: You'd need someone to father this child. And unless you prostitute your self on the streets... the baby's father will always be involved. This is the reason I have still waited with having a child. I've wanted a child since I was 14 too, but I have respect for the future father of my child. It would be unfair to him to try and take his child away from him. But I do not want to have the baby's father in my life, unless I actually get along with him. The baby's father will be a part of your life as well. Always. You do not only commit to a child, but also to it's father.

Find that man that you would want to be the father of your child. And at the age of 14, I don't know many men who would want to have a child with you.

Please just remember all of these things. You will tie you, the baby, and it's father, together forever. If the man you choose to have sex with does not want a child, you are doing something very very bad towards him. You could possibly be ruining his life, as well as his chance to ever find the woman in his life to marry and create a life on his own.

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A female reader, Carrot2000 United States +, writes (30 November 2009):

Carrot2000 agony auntSweetie, it sounds like you need love and affection and attention,not a baby. Babies take more than they can give and require a lot of work. Having a baby at such a young age is not good for your body, either. Wait until you're older so you can give your child a good life, and give yourself time to enjoy being a teen.If you have time, please read the questions from the teen moms on this site to get an idea of how hard it can be to raise a child at a young age.

Could you get a pet instead? A puppy or kitten will give you someone to cuddle and nurture and teach you about what it means to be responsible for another life. Perhaps you can volunteer at a daycare center or after school program with little kids. I think spending time with little kids will be fun for you, but will also give you an idea of how much work it takes to be a parent.

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