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Will we be able to get back together in the future?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Family, Long distance, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 November 2017) 6 Answers - (Newest, 14 November 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

My ex and I broke up six weeks ago after living together for two years, and being together for three. He's a classical musician and is applying for jobs in other cities - there are a very limited number of jobs in full time orchestras in the country, so every one that arrises, he applies for.

We're both in our late 20s. I'm settled in my job, near my family and bought my now home. He is not settled as he's not got a full time job, so freelancing all over the country means lots of time staying in hotels etc. He doesn't have the desire for a home that I do because at this point in his career, he can't settle.

The pressure of our different desires and life points got too much for us, and neither were willing to compromise on our lifestyles. There's not enough work for him in my city at the moment, and I'm not willing to move somewhere else and re-make my life, all for us to have to move again when he finally gets a full time job (IF he gets a job! He could be freelance forever!)

We are both heartbroken, but I fear I’m more heartbroken because I was settled and he wasn’t.

So the trouble arises that there’s a job in the city I live in coming up next year for him. I really feel like if he gets it, I want to be with him, but I can’t wait around for a year! I know I want to have kids in the not too distant future, so I can’t afford to waste a year of my life. The jobs are soooo competitive as they're few and far between, so he may well not get it!

How do I ‘move on’ and date successfully, but still having this thought of him returning in the back of my mind? At the moment the thought that he may well come back is all I can think about.

My plan is, first contact just before Christmas to say merry Christmas, then arrange a coffee in around February. By then I’ll have a clearer head and have looked at the relationship from a distance and hopefully know what I want from a relationship in the future. I’m hoping then I can approach the subject of ‘if he gets the job in my city’ what will happen, and hopefully we’ll both have a better idea of how we feel.

The problem is that we’re both trying to give each other space and not be in each others faces (respectfully), and although when we broke up we shook on the fact we would discuss things if he gets the job locally, my mind is constantly flitting between ‘he wants to get back together in the future’ and ‘he’s just planning on moving on’. Argh!

View related questions: broke up, christmas, get back together, heartbroken

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (14 November 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntNone off you where prepared to compromise for your relationship so for me that says something. I mean I would uproot my whole life in the morning if I had to so I wouldn't loose my husband and I know he would do the same for me. That is what you need in a marriage or a long term relationship, you need compromise and to work as one. None off you where prepared to sacrifice that.

Honestly I think the kindest thing for you to do for yourself now is let go. You both picked your jobs over each other, so you need to accept that and give yourself time to heal. When you are over your ex things will seems much clearer and you can meet someone who wants the same things as you in life, settled job, house, kids.

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia + , writes (13 November 2017):

femmenoir agony auntI would suggest that you write, with pen and paper, a list of all pros and cons regarding you and your ex.

When you write everything on paper, your thoughts become much clearer and you can see what's good, bad, indifferent and what's working and isn't working for you.

Also, if you do come to the absolute conclusion that you wish to move on, i would strongly encourage you to take it very slowly and not rush into a new relationship.

It's a very poor idea when a person decides to find another suitor, just to help ease the pain of loneliness and to "use" that new person on the rebounds.

Grieve the loss of your relationship first, find your complete closure, then you will be ready to wear your heart on your sleeve again and find your Mr Right.

I used to date a Musician, back when i was in my 20s and my gosh, it was hard, because he was always on the road and i hardly ever saw him.

Most times we communicated, was via the phone or via email.

After just over 1 year together and me hardly ever seeing him, i broke it off with him, in the most respectful and decent way i knew how.

Although my ex was totally heartbroken, he did admit, that he was sorry he couldn't always be there for me and he really wasn't sure if/when his life would settle down.

I knew deep down, that he being a Musician meant that he'd most probably never settle down and where did that leave me?

I truly believe, if a man cannot make enough time for you, regardless of his profession, then maybe, just maybe, you're not as important a person to him, as he is to you.

Think about this.

Do know, even if things don't work out, it's not the end of the world and it only means that your ideal suitor, your Mr Right, is somewhere out there, still awaiting you to cross paths with him.

All the best!

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (11 November 2017):

With matters of the heart; it's hard to be practical and make sensible choices.

He chose a profession that may keep him traveling. Even if he landed himself a job with a professional orchestra; many still travel nationally and internationally. Musicians are also borrowed and traded to participate in select performances by other orchestras. If they're any good, that is! You can hardly make a living being a musician; unless you're chosen by a company that is well-funded by the patrons of art and somewhat renowned.

You have to think in terms of what's best for you, and stop trying to tailor and revolve your life around the uncertain "by-the-seat-of-his-pants" life-style he has chosen. His choices are suitable for a single-person. With a willing companion, prepared to move at a moment's notice. Or, sit behind and wait for his uncertain return. Always meeting new people along his way, I might add.

What so many young people fail to consider, young women in particular; is how much self-sacrifice becomes a strain on the relationship?

How does all the deprivation and adapting to another person's choices becomes martyrdom?

What's in it for you?

You'll do it in the name of love, devotion, and loyalty; but it always seems the guy in the couple gives-up less.

Why is that?!!

Then children get dragged into the situation; and their innocent little lives become pawns and pivots. Kids in these situations show-up either by accident, or poor planning. While their parents can't seem to firmly stabilize their lives; before they end in a divorce, and the whole family is broken apart.

If you really want a stable life; use logic as well as yielding to your passions.

You have made a major investment, and your job is reasonably secure. You had better allow your brain to work next to your heart; so you will make choices that will not comeback to knock you in the head!!!

The heart can be foolish, and downright stupid. It can never figure its way out of the mess it has gotten you into. Then the brain must step-in, after all the damage is done. Then comes all the should-have, could-have, and would-haves. Only to be followed-up by your parent's "I told you so's!"

Talk to your parents, and ask them what would they do? I mean both. Not just your mother, ask your father too. So you get more than one point of view. We're strangers. We don't know either of you. We speak in generalities; but I offer you as much wisdom as I can possibly summon.

Also think economics. Can you earn enough to sustain him during dry-periods; and still possibly maintain savings in reserve, and create a retirement-plan? Now is the best time in your life to start such things.

I can't liken his choice to golf-pros, tennis pros, and entertainers; who earn enough to move their families about with ease. Most put their careers first, and then pursue other things. Their husbands and wives aren't left behind struggling financially to keep a roof over their heads.

The constant separation is a major factor why celebrities and musicians rarely maintain a stable and lasting relationship, or marriage. You have to choose your dream and stay with it. That could mean being very selfish. A lot of rejection and disappointment.

It's something they've worked for their entire lives, and they will give-up just about everything else to keep it.

If you do decide to tag-along to help him find his dream; and choose to put your own life on hold. Don't you ever throw it up in his face what you gave-up to be with him. Never!

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (11 November 2017):

Fatherly Advice agony auntOh you are in love with an artist. Generally we tell people that you are broken up because something is broken, but in your case you are broken up because the schedule isn't working.

Here is some wild advice from a guy that grew up with artists. One the whole six month schedule is not going to work. The artist is ruled by the muse, not by the clock, not even the biological clock. Two, if you succeed in getting him to abandon art and take a regular job and only Art part time, you will kill in him the thing that you love. I know you didn't suggest that. Loving an artist is hard. You don't get to be secure, or rather you have to provide your own security.

Finally to answer one of your direct questions: You will move on when you stop loving him. Until then you are in love with an artist.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (11 November 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntThe worst thing is always uncertainty. While there is absolutely no guarantee in ANY relationship, the lack of any certainty seems even more pronounced in YOUR situation.

I think you need to decide - once and for all - if this man is worth waiting for. If you decide he is, then you wait for him and see what happens. If you decide you are not prepared to wait for him indefinitely - because it sounds like the wait won't be a short one - then you need to draw a line under your relationship and move on.

It would not be fair to start dating someone else as a "plan B". What would happen if you got serious with them, then your ex decided he wanted you back? You can't use people in that way.

You have a decision to make, sweetheart. Whichever way you decide, you need to do it 100% and not look back.

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom + , writes (11 November 2017):

Denizen agony auntIf he puts his job before you then he isn't the one. I'm sorry but it is that simple in the end. It is a difficult call when his work is also his vocation.

Art music, or otherwise, is a calling and not easily put aside. However you two need to work something out if you are really meant to be together. Think about it. How do long-haul aircrew manage their family lives? Think about golfers and tennis pros on the circuit. They have families and homes but they travel constantly.

So this leads us back to your man. Why doesn't he want to try and make it work with you? Perhaps he means more to you than you to him.

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