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Why is making friends so hard for me?

Tagged as: Friends, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 August 2015) 5 Answers - (Newest, 30 August 2015)
A female United Kingdom age 18-21, anonymous writes:

Hi, agony aunts. I'm a bit depressed these days because I've been struggling during many years with making friends. It all went well during Primary School, then things turned wrong at High School. Although I had my group of friends, I didn't feel really comfortable with them except with my best friend.

I thought everything would change when I started University, but it hasn't. Although I get on well with my classmates and I have gone out with them and all that, I can't say we are friends. They have their groups and have formed a deep friendship, but I don't belong to any group and don't have confidence with any of them. I don't have friends.

This has been my first year of uni and during summer, many of them have kept in touch or even met. Also, most of us are going on Erasmus during our second year of uni.They're excited about meeting during the Erasmus, travelling to the destination of their friends, keeping in contact by skype... But I don't have anyone.

I'm sure I'm going to have a great time during my Erasmus and I'll meet a lot of people from many different countries, but I'm afraid I lose all contact with my mates from my home uni and I don't have the chance to go with them anymore. This year has been easy because it was our first year and we were still knowing one another. But when we're back, in third, they'll already have their groups.

Moreover, this year most of us have been in student residences, like me, or sharing a flat with people they didn't know. Most of my mates have already chosen the people they are going to live with, but I'm alone.

I'm tired of feeling alone, I'm tired of being unable to make friends. What's wrong with me? I'm friendly and people are nice to me, but when it comes to real friendship... I don't have anyone.

View related questions: best friend, confidence, depressed, different countries, university

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2015):

i was once or twice in a study situation where i was being bullied and i felt i didnt know how to deal with it.

Retrospectively i realised i should have sought the help of a student counsellor because they are trained in this.

Similarly you should book a session with the student counsellor and tell all.

Take tissues or reach from the box if you find that once you open up the tears come out.This is a good thing in the long run because they will understand how much it is getting you down.

But tears or not they should have stategies to help you..for example they could make you student counsellor for the halls of residence for your third year so that younger students can come to you to talk about their problems.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2015):

Hello. I am just around your age. Ive been in the same situation one year in high school. That year ive realised that the less you expect from the world the better it becomes. When we are happy with every opportunity that offers itself to us we become happier. People love out going persons; you dont have to over act or pretend to be someone you are not just show them your best side.

Use any talent or skill that you have to show them that you are more than just a nice person, you are actually reliable and interesting. Allow them to share their personal experiences/stories with you while you listen attentively so you'll remember what they said.

People love to be noticed, so whenever you see them next day dont try to avoid them or say "hi" as if you just met that minute.

Compliment them and allow them to complement you too maybe by changing the colour of your hair; this trick actually works.

Many people became Best friends in their teenage years because they like how each other dresses. Having the same style as your friend makes you fit in even better.

You will feel like you understand each other best so you have to stick together. Also for every action there is a reaction. Invite them to your house for dinner/lunch sometimes or even a sleep over.

Let them get to know the real you that is at your most comfortable zone( that is at your house). Remember we get what we give and sometimes you can ask for things in order to receive them. If you want to join any group why not ask to join them?

Without expecting anything/response ask to join their group. You might be surprised how they respond. Goodluck luv3

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A female reader, autumnsand United Kingdom +, writes (29 August 2015):

autumnsand agony auntHello. I am really sorry to hear that you are alone and that making real friendships is difficult for you.

I wanted to say that I can really relate to your problem. I too struggle to make friends, and for me it also started to become a problem when I started high school.

I was going to college several years ago, and initially we were all strangers to one another.

But gradually people started to develop little groups, create friendships, and were staying in touch by text, Facebook, and by meeting up.

I didn't make a single friend. I was friendly to everyone. I would approach people and ask them how they were getting on with their coursework. I would sit with people. I did make an effort. And yet, although people were friendly towards me, nothing more came of it. At the end of each lesson, they would all leave the room in their groups, and I would be the only one left on my own.

I did once ask one of the tutors what is wrong with me, and why the other's didn't seem to want much to do with me. She replied that they all got the impression that I wanted to be left alone.

I never understood that, as I had always been friendly, approachable, and initiated conversations.

I still don't really understand it. I do struggle with anxiety though, so I wonder if some of that was coming across. But I cannot understand why I didn't make any friends.

I don't think there is anything wrong with you. Hopefully some of the other aunts and uncles on here will be more knowledgeable and have more advice.

I hope that, with my sharing my own experiences here, you can at least realise you are not alone in this.

I hope this helps in some way. Take care.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2015):

Clubs, societies and sports are the best way to meet people. Or find a part time job that's popular with uni students so that you meet people with the same interests as you.

It's not you. It's life.

When you do meet people you get along with, don't hesitate to invite them along to hang out.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2015):

I am pretty much the same as you I know a lot of people but not really any friends.

I am always friendly to people but rarely(never lol) goes beyong that. I recently went for a drink with people from work and that is the first time I have ever been out with people who weren't my family, best friend or boyfriend!

I have one best friend and he is literally my only 'proper' friend( from school).my boyf and my horse (yes I consider the horse a great friend as that is who I spend a lot of time with even go on holidaysto ride _just me and the horse!) I do a lot of things by myself and I guess I am quite a solitary person.

The best thing I did was just learn not to worry about having loads of friends and just enjoy my own company and appreciate the one good friend I have who is worth a million others.but honestly I could have made more of an effort with people I think but I am too anxious about it and its easier to just not do it!

My advice to you if you really want more friends is to really make an effort with people if you want more out of it - ie be a bit pushy go along with them to activities etc suggest things yourself.

Don't be shy about people rejecting you and have a thick skin. If people don't like you they will soon let you know.

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