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Why does my mom hate me?

Tagged as: Family, Teenage, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 July 2017) 4 Answers - (Newest, 14 July 2017)
A female United States age 18-21, anonymous writes:

Hi, so I'm a high school senior and I live at home with my mother. I am starting to get to the point where I can't stand her. She embarrasses me every chance she gets and enjoys it. I know she does too because she does it no matter where we are or what mood I'm in. Also, she never congratulates me on anything I've done. She'll say how great everyone else does and about maybe an hour after talking to me, she'll say "Good Job" after I've forced her(and now annoyed her).

I won an award for an essay contest on Freedom of Information Acts and also won $75 dollars for it. It was a big deal to me. She couldn't even bother to remember it. I'm a band geek so I go to marching band practice. She has only attended maybe two shows out of the 80 I've done. That's because there was free food.

She also hates LGBT people and unfortunately I have to hear her say really upsetting words like dyke, faggot, and tranny. It doesn't help that I've been in the closet for 5 years. She talks about everything that's on her mind like every little thing.Pointless things too. Remember that award I had won for the Freedom of Information contest? Well, while waiting for my award, a lot of people won two awards or even three while I didn't. She whispered in my ear and I told her to please shhh for a minute because my best friend at the time(and mentor pretty much) was up and we were in the front seat. My mother said something along the lines of "I'm gonna smack the s**t out of you, you f*****g little brat."

I can't stand her voice. I can't stand it even when she's talking to someone else. I wouldn't say I want to hurt her, I just wish she'd stop. I have attended therapy before. This entire situation with her, my parent's divorce, and having practically no friends made me really depressed.

It got to a point where I was going to do something really bad(thankfully I didn't). I went to therapy because my school was forcing her to take me. After like 3 visits, we stopped going because my mother never made another appointment for me(I was way too shy to make it myself) even though it was painfully obvious to everyone that I wasn't getting any better.

I threw myself into a music audition for a band group to take my mind off things and eventually through a great friend I made, I slowly got better. She has also thought I have attacked her when I haven't. I don't know about anyone else, but my family has their own way to deal with the family problems every family is given. We joke about throwing all on problems on a made up entity(weird i know). So I was just joking around, same ones we've made for a few years. She's even said them. She pulled over the car and almost forced me to walk 6 miles back home(I checked when I got home) and then later said I couldn't have the special dinner we were supposed to have that day. It made no sense. It's not like she's busy. She's currently unemployed.

This may sound like a teenager just whining about their mom but I'm the daughter that any parent should love. I get straight A's in school. I'm Assistant Band Manager, Upper Woodwind Section Leader, and Flute Choir Director at my school. Three very important and hard to get leadership positions. I've auditioned for many music bands. I participated in classic music festivals. I don't go to any parties I shouldn't. I've never had sex or done drugs, not even a smoke. I'm also going away to college to study for the legal profession! I want to become a corporate lawyer someday!

Someone please just tell me why my mom doesn't appreciate me. It seems like she hates me. I've tried talking to her but she just gets mad and doesn't listen. Someone, please help.

View related questions: best friend, depressed, divorce, drugs, shy

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Update: I was making the dinner, not her.

Thank you to Honeypie because a lot of what you said was very helpful and I will take that advice in the future.

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A female reader, Miss.Cupid United States +, writes (14 July 2017):

Miss.Cupid agony auntI dont want to sound old with a lot of wisdom lol

But when I was a teenager I hated my parents! I felt like my dad was verbally abusive, he never appreciated anything I've done. and to be honest with you he still doesn't. Deep inside I know he loves me because I was in a car accident once and during my recovery he's never left my bed side.

What I'm saying is being a teenager your parent may be embarrassing, and seem like everything is never enough. But when you turn older your mother will become your best friend. Trust me! as cheesy as it sounds, you're the only one that knows what her heartbeat sounds like from the inside.

But if you don't want to hear that cheesy stuff I just said. Maybe just focus on school, after all you are a senior and please further your eduction and go to college! Apply for scholarships that way maybe you can stay at a dorm?

But please don't think your mother is never satisfied I'm sure she loves you very much and appreciates you! I think parents like to be tough and act like they don't care that way you continue trying to do better to show them.

Good Luck, Sweetie.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (13 July 2017):

Honeypie agony auntSome of the things you mention DO sound like whining - like we couldn't get a "special dinner" - maybe she changed her mind and didn't FEEL like cooking it... BIG deal, honey.. Doesn't matter if she has a full-time job or none at all you are NOT owed special meals. just saying...

As for all your accomplishments - WTG! Good for you! I think that perhaps SHE didn't do so well in High School that she is actually ENVIOUS of you, not hating you. here she is at age 35+ with NO job, NO partner, NO social life, NOTHING going for her and there YOU are with your whole life ahead of you and doing things to FURTHER your own future. It is EASIER to be a "Petty Patty" (for her) instead of supporting and helping you along. Could be that she is dealing with a depression and can't find a way out of that hole. I'm NOT making excuses for her though, she doesn't sound like she is being a very good mother. Maybe she was in the past (before the divorce) but as of now she just DOESN'T care about your needs.

Here is the thing, OP. You can't change her and you aren't doing ANYTHING wrong that would make me say YOU should change "ABC" either. ACCEPT (which is hard, I know) that THIS is who she is. That DESPITE her CURRENT attitude towards you, you are STILL doing good in MANY aspects. That you need to focus on that. And maybe talk to the school counselor again about getting back in therapy. Perhaps also work on your social skills and trying to make friends.

Do GREAT things for you, NOT to try and assuage her or please her. Work hard and BE the success you WANT to be. Eventually, she will REGRET her behavior, I think. But to expect any change in her? I don't see it.

Does you dad live away from your school district? Or would it perhaps be a choice to live with him for a while? Do have contact with him? Do you have ANY adults you can talk to about these things?

It's NOT you. It's HER. It's HER she is hating and YOU she is jealous off. I think that is the gist of it. And I'm sorry but I don't think you can change any of that.

I know that might not be helpful for you to know this, my advice stands. Don't BE like her. Expand your social circle. And work on being ready for college. You will be out of her hair soon. Or rather, SHE will be out of YOUR hair.

Life IS worth living, OP. I know it would FEEL much better if those who are supposed to love and support you actually LOVES and SUPPORTS you - it doesn't always happen. Doesn't mean it's YOUR fault. Don't presume it is. You have some amazing life goals and dreams - GO work towards them!

Also while it might not FEEL like the right thing to do, maybe try and do little nice things for her here and there. Maybe it will open her eyes a little. But only as long as you ENJOY doing it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2017):

The truth is that you turned out to be exceptionally bright and talented and mom knows that you can outclass her!

However the bond a mother feels for her daughter can last for life.

So despite her bad manners and cocky attitude I would try to find some common ground while you have time.

Mom doesnt really understand how lucky she is to have you!

She remembers all the hard work in your younger years but you have excelled in everything you have done which is beyond her wildest dreams.

Please try to keep a bit of a connection even if its only doing kareoke together or singing in the car because you are her gift of a lifetime.

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