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What to do... he wants a break??

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 September 2012) 10 Answers - (Newest, 20 September 2012)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, *nxangelsxkiss writes:

Okay so my ex boyfriend got the wrong end of a phone conversation and now wants to take a break. Even though I have fully explained what the conversation meant now he is on his break. He took his things and went, when he went he said this is not the end. So asked what he means, it could be just what we need he replied.

I have through all the hurt and heartbreak been nothing less than understanding and completely okay with him about this. I understand things have gotten on top of him, work, money... etc.

He now sends a text that he wants to get the rest of his things from our once home and it's killing me. I cannot say a word as I promised him his time and time I shall give him. I do not want to let this be the end and he has this could be the beginning not the end.

I just need some ideas as to weather this is worth fighting for or holding onto. We have been stressed worth his work, his ex(they have a daughter together and it was over reducing his babes money so we could get by this all came about as our children had everything cut but not his other daughter. His ex will stop him seeing her if he does.) and money worries. Advice is so needed now as I have felt so hurt and low in my life.

Thank you to all who answer x

View related questions: a break, his ex, money, my ex, text

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A female reader, anxangelsxkiss United Kingdom +, writes (20 September 2012):

anxangelsxkiss is verified as being by the original poster of the question

anxangelsxkiss agony auntHi thank you all for your comments... I never ever asked him to not pay for his babe, I wondered if he could cut the money by only 40 sounds a month. He lost his old job and lost 300 pounds a month in wages with this new job, it was crippling us! I cut down on everything spent on our children right down to absolutely no days out, no pocket money or clubs, no more take outs etc... our children were going without anything bar food and a home to live in. I would never do anything to put time with his daughter at risk not ever. His ex wife is one awful woman and makes our relationship quite difficult sometimes... hence she is the ex. As for the collecting his things, well he only took his babes coat his work shoes and his glasses, I asked if would like his other bits and he said this is not the end, why am I thinking it is over when it is not?! This why I am go confused. The conversation was to him on the phone explaining I had not him had made a list to keep my money in check then we know exactly what we are spending and how much we can save and that by doing so we'll know where everything is going... I never mentioned his money Not once, I never would, I know how hard he works for it and that is not for me to control in any way. He thought I meant that I want to pull in all the money. This plus his hate of this new job and long hours not to mention less money have made things awful. The thought of having to ask his ex about paying less was something he could not do as she will make his life hell with his daughter. So to ensure his daughter gets her money my children will go without. This seemed unfair to me but I have not mentioned a thing to him, I just wanted to keep him and his ex happy so he can still see his babe without losing accesse or. Having to go to court.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2012):

I can't understand what set this off. You say that he got the wrong idea about a telephone conversation. You go on to say that you were talking about what he pays for his child and issues with his ex. Were you talking to a friend or family member about it? It almost reads as if you were talking to his ex about cutting what he pays to her.

If that's the case I can understand why he left. If he's got all the other pressures and now his girlfriend is causing problems with his ex, it might have been the final straw.

It's a very bad sign though that he's asked to collect the rest of his stuff. That doesn't sound like a temporoary break. If he has children with you I'd start to look into what your rights are, the same if you own the home together.

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A male reader, Cerberus Ireland + , writes (19 September 2012):

Cerberus agony auntThis relationship is over, he's taken all his stuff OP, that's not a break and him saying it might not be the end is a lie so maybe he can come back and get some sex with the ex.

You know OP, when my life goes to pot, I have stress, money worries or depression, guess what keeps me going and who I turn to for comfort? That's right my partner.

I love her OP, how would adding losing her to all my other worries help me? How would the devastation of break up do any good in that situation? It wouldn't it would probably tip me over the edge.

Do you see what I'm getting at? Being with you was probably the biggest issue he had and he sorted it out by leaving.

I hate to break it to you OP, but your relationship was part of the problem and he felt he needed to end it, that's not something that can be fixed and that's a very clear indication that all the other things you try to think may have caused this and even his crap about it not being the end, is all not true.

Sorry OP you're clinging on to a situation of zero hope. Money isn't a reason to leave you, in fact you'd have probably been able to help him financially and probably have already, getting access to his kid is not a problem because he can sue for access and you would have supported him through that wouldn't you?

You see what's happening? It's over.

There is no better person in the world to help us through our troubles than a partner that we love, leaving them because of such issues makes absolutely no logical sense at all.

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A female reader, AuntyEm United Kingdom + , writes (19 September 2012):

AuntyEm agony auntIn the uk, visitation is also not tied to support payments, so it can't be used as an excuse. If his ex stops him seeing the kids, he can get a court order.

Despite everything that has been said...he has asked for a break and has left...sorry but there is nothing you can do to alter that fact.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (19 September 2012):

Sageoldguy1465 agony aunt"Listen" to SVC.... she's given you a thorough synopsis of how you can handle this.......

NOW, be prepared to come BACK on this site and tell us just how great life is WITHOUT this blister on your life!!!

Good luck...

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A female reader, agonyauntsanonymous United States +, writes (19 September 2012):

In marriage, there is no such thing as a break.

There for there should not be breaks in other relationships. You are either together or not. You break up or you stay together. Period. I dont care how stressed i am at work i would never leave my fiance because of it.

I may vent, i may even yell~not at him but out of frustration, but it would never condemn our relationship. People dont just leave due to a suspicious phone convo unless they have a reason not to trust their partner.

Either something happened in the past and created trust issues or he was looking for a reason to leave or perhaps that was the straw that broke the camels back. I would consider you broken up. Not on a break. People can work through things together, you dont break up to work on issues. Just do the best you can for yourself make yourself happy take care of your children and try to get through this awful time.

Dont wait around, and do tell him that. Best wishes and good luck.

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A female reader, Denise32 United States +, writes (19 September 2012):

Denise32 agony auntWell, sorry to say, not all relationships turn out to be "forever." That's a hard truth, but it is p[art of life, hurtful as it may be to the one who is rejected.

Maybe he did - as he said - want a temporary "break. Evidently, since then he has had a chance to think things over and has come to the conclusion that the break must be final - hence his decision to pick up the rest of his belongings from your home.

You mention his ex has young children, or a baby, and whereas you had reduced the amount spent on your own children, it had not been reduced for his ex, and now his and her children need it - and indeed he is obligated legally, if not emotionally, to do what he can in supporting them.

Do you and he have children together, by the way? I'm not clear on that from what you wrote.

Anyway, there really isn't a thing you can do about it if he wants to end your relationship. IF he owes you child support you need to take steps to see that it is paid, but other than that, you really have to regretfully let him go.

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A female reader, oldbag United Kingdom + , writes (19 September 2012):

oldbag agony auntHi

These men and all their children,kids are expensive.His Ex can be difficult about him seeing his daughter but she can't stop him,he can take her to court if she does.

Has he had the money assessed by CSA, as he is supporting his he has with you too, it could be the payments need reducing? Do you work?

I would let him be, carry on as you have, it would be lovely if we could walk away from everything when the going gets tough, we can't,or don't,you haven't, we stay and sort it out together.I know its hard for you, your left with the children and the mess, but you need to be strong. Personally I would give him an ultimatum,get tough.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2012):

Honestly dear i think he was contemplating a way out and the phone call issue is just an excuse to leave. How can you ask a father not to take care of his daughter, thats a bit selfish of you dont you think? But anyway, just give him back his stuff, if he hasnt stated how much time he needs to take a break and isnt open to discussing the problems in your relationship, then you ought to move on.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States + , writes (19 September 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony auntIt's not worth fighting.. if he wants out he wants out and there is NOTHING you can do to fix that... unless he has come to you with a list of things that need to be fixed there is no fixing "it's me not you" kind of stuff...

if the issue was that you resent his paying his ex for their child... forget it... child over girlfriend any day of the week...

as for child support, I don't know about where you are but here in the states, visitation is not tied to support...

he needs a good lawyer to make sure he's paying the correct amount and seeing his child.

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