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We don't have the same sense of humor and it causes problems

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 March 2019) 12 Answers - (Newest, 30 March 2019)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I dont know what's going on with my relationship. I've been with him for 2 years but things seem so rocky at the moment.

We are arguing quite a bit and he's drinking a lot. But the thing is the arguments are over such trivial things.

We had plans for him to come to mine tonight as this weekend has going to his friends who lives a few hours away that he hadn't seen in a while.

I'd been looking forward to seeing him all day and ge picked me up from work with a bit smile and kiss. Just lovely.

As he was paring outside mine there was a person walking passed who was obviously albino and he just laughs and says "milky" we were in he car so this person didn't hear but I didn't like it.

I said he shouldn't make fun of someones disability and it was bullying. He was denying thay because the person didn't hear meaning it's not bullying. I kept saying it was wrong and he mumbled "I wonder why I'm with you sometimes " so I got out of the car and walked to my house

He phoned me and he was screaming calling me a twerp,stupid and saying I have no sense of humour and I'm dry. Then he hung up.

I ended up texting him saying I stood by what I said and he ranted saying "you're a clown. You're a snob. You think you're superior than me with your great job. Its what I do I take the piss and if you have to be so childish and cant take a joke your defo not right for me I cant be with someone that pathetic"

And that was that. So where am I? Did I go over the top? Should I have just left it when he made his joke?

I know where different and he says it so often and on the weekend we met some of his friends for drinks (I donr really drink) and one of his girl mates they were laughing together all night same humour etc

So then I get jealous thinking he should be with her. What am I to do?

View related questions: jealous, text

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (30 March 2019):

Code Warrior agony auntYou most certainly were a bully toward him and if the standard being set for making accusations is based on something he MIGHT do in the future, as opposed to what was actually done then that's a dangerous mindset that allows justification of punishments before bad acts are committed. Which is exactly what was done in this case.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (30 March 2019):

It's been my experience that people who have insensitivity towards those who are different won't hesitate to say crap to to your face; and can't wait for an opportunity to make their feelings known to the world. How do I know? Because I've been on the receiving end of it!

For example, school children poke fun at kids who are different. They start-out as a joke, but they progress into antagonism. Immature fellows like your boyfriend don't grow out of it. It's indefensible, and NO, YOU DIDN'T BULLY HIM!

He is the one resorting to calling you stupid and pathetic.

You intervened on his "milky" comment, and he didn't like it. If he was out on one of his drunken nights with his friends; it would have been comedy-relief and entertainment for is friends. He forgot you're not exactly hip about that kind of humor.

This mindset and propensity in people is making kids commit suicide; because the world is desensitized and far too capable of imposing their prejudices and nasty jokes on others. I find it difficult to believe he'd keep those kind of comments to himself; and just utter them under his breath. Any given opportunity, that comment would have been said within earshot of that guy or somebody else he considered the brunt of a joke.

Just because you say it behind someone's back doesn't make you any less of a jackass. Hold him accountable; because hate-speech comes in different forms. If you have it in you say such things, you also have it in you to say them aloud and in someone's presence. Intelligent decent mature people care about how they think; and what comes out of their mouths.

It wasn't the "milky" comment that got me. It was calling someone stupid and pathetic over simply indicating she didn't like his humor. A guy able to do that to you would not hold his tongue; and would at some point have said something to someone like the guy with albinism. He didn't have his crew around at the time to entertain them.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2019):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I've just seen his social media . He's been out clubbing till 3am. The other week he said it would be gaming and takeout.

Has it done this to upset me by putting it all over social media? How do I know he hasn't been with anyone? Well I don't do I.

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (30 March 2019):

Code Warrior agony auntHe's right about it not being bullying. He didn't bully that guy. He never said a word to that guy and that guy doesn't have a clue that anything was said. You, on the other hand, saw a chance to excercise power and and act as a bully and you took it. Your boyfriend fought back against your bullying tactics. You were out of line calling him a bully. Bullies don't hide their insults from their victims and you know it. Your sole purpose in calling him a bully was to bully him yourself. You're every bit the bully you projected onto him, only you think it's OK to bully because you're full of self-righteousness just like every other SJW type on the planet.

Now, that being said, your boyfriend is an asshole for making a wisecrack about someone with a different appearance, and had he gotten out of the car to go harrass the albino person, then he would be a bully. You could've just said it's not polite for him to have called him "milky" and let him know that you don't find it funny to make fun of people's physical properties and left it at that, but you didn't. You escalated to accusing him of something he never did - being a bully.

Next time you feel so self righteous that you feel like it's OK to bully someone, you need to check yourself. Nobody likes moral busybodies that demand acts of contrition. As far as your boyfriend is concerned, he's in the wrong without a doubt, but not for being a bully, just for being an asshole.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2019):

Dear Lady, please listen to Wise Owl, Honey Pie, and Cindy Cares! They are giving you the best advice, and they are giving it to you straight! I commend you for your standing up for the albino person, who was mocked by the jerk boyfriend. Charicter is what we do and say in private. The subject of the joker did not hear the mocking, but trust me, there is GOD IN HEAVEN, AND HE HEARD every word spoken!!! Bf cannot know what may befall him, in this life. I knew a young man, hansome, in his 20s, and he had a cancerous tumor in his jaw bone, and he basically had half of his face removed. Very sad. I do not wish bad upon your bf, but he should not temp HOLY GOD! You should leave this jerk! The Bible says that bad company corrupts good character! Also temper plus booze often begets violence! Find a good man, because you are a good woman! You did not laugh at his joke, in spite of being in private! May GOD BLESS you, Good Lady!

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (29 March 2019):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntIs this how you want to live your life, listening to some neanderthal mocking people's disabilities? What next? Mocking someone blind or in a wheelchair? It's nothing to do with sense of humour; it's to do with decency and humanity.

You are a much better person than he is. Find someone who is more like you, otherwise, given his temper, he will ruin your soul because you will be afraid to say anything when he comes out with his stupid comments and, eventually, will hate yourself for what you have become.

A relationship should help us grow, not make us shrink. Let him go. You are worth so much better.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2019):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hi everyone.

Thank you for replying. He ended up going on his weekend away without messaging me back

I cant believe he would do that.

We have an expensive once in a lifetime holiday planned at the end or the year thay 2rve both been looking forward to. Maybe that will help? Getting away together?

I think it's the name calling thay gets to me more than anything.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (29 March 2019):

What made him really angry was the fact that you're right; and it made him feel stupid and guilty. You stuck to your guns about it; and once realizing it was a stupid thing to say, he had to save face. He's the one who is overreacting.

He made reference to your job. Apparently, he's jealous of that. Therefore, he'll drag you down to his level. That's done by attacking your self-esteem. Then you're supposed to grovel and lower yourself beneath him, to make him feel better about himself. Once you're messed-up in the head, and your spirit is broken; you'll be perfect for each other.

Let filters, manners, and decency be damned! Just say whatever comes to mind, and just spew verbal-diarrhea anywhere and everywhere. I'm so weary of even our own president with the name-calling, insults, and the ungodly and abhorrent behavior that is becoming a social norm.

Your boyfriend went way too far and aggravated the matter by insulting you for being offended by his insensitive remark. Then it became a matter of aggression; because he responded abusively. He wouldn't back-down or apologize, he just got nastier. He wanted to crush your feelings.

These are the days of toxic humor. When comedians refer to women as the C-word or the B-word, and make fun of just about anyone. They make horrid racial-jokes, and pick fun at the disabled. They don't make me laugh, I cringe! That's what kids are being exposed to; so God only knows what the next upcoming-generation will be like!

Toxic-humor erodes empathy, desensitizes, and decimates civility; and as a modern society, we're becoming more venomous. Many are openly bigoted, like it's nothing; and no one has a right to be offended by it. Labeling decent conscientious-people as bleeding-heart liberals, snobs, or politically-correct. If you get corrected; resort to bullying, riling-up gangs for mob-attacks, and raging on people.

I abhor political-correctness, because it's fake-civility. Phony-people behind a facade. Just a mask over the true ugliness and evil-nature in people. I'd rather you be honest, but not a venom-spewing devil! Honesty is not evil!

Don't call personal-attacks being honest!

The problem is you're seeing all the worst in this guy, yet it doesn't seem to make you realize these are the very kind of red-flags you should be avoiding. Not trying to get closer to.

How do you maintain love and respect for a person who calls you stupid and pathetic? That kind of verbal-abuse is uncalled for, and you're standing for it..."because you love him!" What's there to love about someone who can talk to you like that? You'll start to believe him!

This is how you make it stop. DUMP HIM!!!

I can only say this. It moved you to submit a post about it. You were unable to digest it, and it must be getting so bad you're at your wit's end. I can tell you're hurt and feel left-out; but that is because you don't fit-in with these types of people. You are hanging with the wrong crowd, and you are with the worst kind of man. Why are you feeling apologetic for standing-up for what is right?

You will not change him to make him nicer. You tried standing-up to him, and he smashed you like a bug!

Drinking on-top of being such a jerk; surely doesn't make him a more appealing fellow. He'll throw-in a little sweetness here and there. Is it enough???

I think you're reaching the point he's becoming too much; but your ego won't allow you to leave. Appearing as if you can't hack-it like his tougher female-friends. You're concerned about his girl-mates, and how well they all get along.

Don't cast your pearls before swine, girlfriend!

They click because they are people of the same ilk; and birds of a feather flock together. You're the one out of her element. It's only going to get worse. You have the wrong boyfriend, and you're trying to fit into his clique. You don't want to admit to yourself he's the wrong guy.

Nice-girls always like the bad-boys; and all those guys ever do is screw you up!!!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (29 March 2019):

Honeypie agony auntOh, end it, OP

While I agree with Cindy on the sense of humor, I will laugh at things I find funny, NOT just what's politically correct to laugh at. But calling someone with albinism Milky? How is that funny? I'd call it immature as Hades!

The fact that he is PRETTY verbally abusive when you don't agree with him is a trait I find WAY more DISGUSTING than making an immature comment about someone with albinism.

I think you ARE WAY better off ending the relationship and finding someone who can RESPECT that you have a difference of opinion, someone who ISN'T jealous at you having a good job, who ACTUALLY cares about you. This guy? I don't think he does. You are like the "trophy GF" for him.

He sounds rather PATHETIC himself. It's a bit of a joke for him to call YOU pathetic when he gets this boxers in SUCH a twist because you tell him you don't find him funny... Sounds like he DOES feel inferior to you. And HE is a bit of a clown, but not the funny kind.

Let him go, Wish him well, CUT him off, MOVE on!

YOU CAN do better that that. Find someone who is a better match, OP

This guy is still very immature and I seriously doubt that will change anytime soon.

The reason things are rocky now, is because YOU have grown apart. You are maturing (mentally) faster than he is, you are moving forward in your career path and finding who you are. He is still the guy who thinks making fun of others is amazing!

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A female reader, ConfusedCarrie84 United Kingdom +, writes (29 March 2019):

I think you dodged a bullet with this guy. To call you screaming and name calling. That's verbal abuse. I also think he has a deep resentment of your success. If you stay with him he will just eat away at your self esteem and confidence.

Move on to someone who is more on your level and will comminucate better with you.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (29 March 2019):

CindyCares agony aunt Probably, realize that he is right, you are not well suited to each other; leave him to the company of his girl mate who shares with him the same kind of " humour ", and have no regrets .

You don't need to hang out with someone who, for fun,

" takes the piss " out of people with a genetic anomaly. And mind you, personally I am not a very politically correct type, if the joke is good , I admit candidly, I will laugh at VERY non -PC jokes , things that in other countries than mine ( which is , luckily for me , very jaded about humour ) would be called " offensive "-

But - the joke is not even good, or clever ! What 's so funny about calling "milky" a person with very white hair and skin ? ( which anyway the person has not voluntarily chosen to have ) Where's the laugh in it ? Does he call " chocolatey " all the dark skinned people he happens to meet ?

This guy, or his sense of humour at least, is way coarser-grained than you are, so you'd better let him have fun with the likes of him.

Btw : I know that you can't see it my way, because in UK theer is a strong drinking culture and certain things are " normal" there, which are not in other cultures- but IMO, you say he drinks a lot, and his hysterical reaction to your clearly the drink talking. Ok, nobody enjoys having his knuckles rapped - but his reaction was offensive, insulting and way too aggressive- typical of a person who drinks too much, or at least drinks too much for having a civilized discussion. Since you say that you are a non-drinker--- that's another area of incompatibility which is generally much more problematic than people want to admit.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2019):

You don't have the same sense of humour. His hasn't improved since he was eleven. You made a reasonable and adult request for him to be respectful and he screamed at you and insulted you for it. This guy has a serious chip on his shoulder about something.

The juvenile joke is the least of your worries. His reaction to you pushing back at him is the real worry. When he reacts like that to a mild push, what's he going to do when you really push?

Worse still, you're now questioning whether you should stand up for what you believe when you get a reaction like that. Which means you're less likely to stand up for yourself next time because you fear the reaction. It's a form of coercive control. Be very wary. I think you should leave this guy to his juvenile friends. Find a grown up.

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