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Was I really nothing more than a sexual conquest to him?

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 September 2018) 6 Answers - (Newest, 11 September 2018)
A female India age 26-29, *inal writes:

I am 29 yrs old in a loveless marriage. I married a good friend thinking things will spice up post marriage but unfortunately there is everything in this relationship but passion. I do love my husband a lot and likewise but we have not had sex in 2 years now. We are more like buddies. He won't touch me unless I initiate anything which is really not my style and that's how we have been so okay without sex.

Now coming to another story, I met someone new in the new building we recently moved into. We met at the gym and I had no intentions to even become friend with him. However, this guy almost clung onto me and got all chatty with me in no time. At first, it was about workouts etc. Later on, he started flirting with me. In a week's time, he started to tell me that He feels really strongly for me inspite of my constant reminders to him that I am married and he shouldn't waste time on me. But he kept on persuading me and I don't know how I fell for it. So last week, he told me he wants to hug me all the time and came to my place when I was alone just to hug me. He obviously got all heated up and we ended up kissing. After he left, I was on a different high as I experienced this kind of passion after years. But then later that night as we chatted on the phone, He started talking about going down already. This was a bit unexpected. I probably should have expected this only but I don't know why whatever he said before gave me a different impression of him. I thought he really has more than sex for me. So I ended up insulting him. I told him that sex is not on my mind at least with someone I barely know. And I told him very rudely to go and find some easy fuck. I won't be dropping pants for him.

This guy would usually say he feels strongly for me etc. but the minute I asked him to express those feelings he said goodbye to me. I got a bit emotional again and called him, thought I'd make peace with him and apologise if I was too rude but he didn't even answer my call. We saw each other again outside the gym but He didn't even bother to come and talk to me or clear my head about him.

Can someone tell me what this could mean? Was he really just another fuck boy? I know this shouldnt even matter to me and I cheated on my husband at some level but I don't know what and how did this even happen. Was I too quick to judge him or was he really a quick fuck?

View related questions: cheated on my husband, flirt, kissing, moved in

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2018):

He sensed you was up for something, you was, but you got cold feet and felt guilty. He backed off and now you are regretting and wishing you had said yes because you are in a sexless marriage and not in love with your husband in the full sense of being a couple?

I think it is time you either work on your marriage or get out of it.

This man might sense again your regret and make a move again, I will hazard a guess you will be tempted if he does....

Work out if your marriage is worth saving and well done for at least recognising what you did as far as to kiss him was wrong

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 September 2018):

Honeypie agony auntWell, yes he just wanted sex, but what did you expect?

It's not like you have much to offer, is it?

You are MARRIED. Which means you are SUPPOSEDLY committed to someone else.

Your poor husband. Decide if you really WANT to be married or not.

If you do, then you NEED to work on what's not working in the marriage WITH his help.

If you don't, then divorce him and BE single, don't just "act" single... you are NOT single.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (11 September 2018):

N91 agony auntIt really doesn’t take a genius to work out that, YES a man you barely know ethat aggressively starts pursuing a married woman only wants sex from them. He’s hardly going to want a blossoming romance when he knows you’re taken.

Why would you think marrying someone that has no passion would change things? Can’t undwrstand your thinking behind that one.

You kissed this new guy then decided to flip out on him later when he propositioned you for more? What were you expecting? You basically invited that situation on. Of course he’s going to think you were enjoying the situation. Why would you kiss him otherwise?

You’re clearly not in love with your husband or else this situation wouldn’t have happened. You need to divorce him and find someone that you’re compatible with.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (11 September 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntYes, of course he just wanted you for sex, otherwise he would not have gone after a married woman. Without meaning to sound brutal, do you honestly think you are so irresistible that he would have risked his reputation and being badly hurt by having an affair with you, knowing full well you were married?

When you kissed him, he saw that as the green light to put his cards on the table and show what he was REALLY after. His feelings for you were all below his belt. He thought - quite understandably - that, as you were married, you were not on the market for any sort of relationship except sexual. Lucky for you that he showed his full intention so quickly and opened your eyes.

Given that he is an attractive guy who could probably have his pick of single women, my guess is he preys for vulnerable married women because he wants sex without strings attached. He made a beeline for you because he sensed you would be open to his flattery. And he was right.

If you have any doubt as to whether you cheated on your husband, ask yourself if you would have been ok with your husband flirting with another woman and then taking her back to your home and hugging and kissing her. You cheated. End of.

You need to work on your marriage because, at the moment, you are incredibly vulnerable to any attention paid to you by any guy who sees unhappily married women as fair game. You AND your husband deserve better from each other.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (11 September 2018):

Wait a minute! You don't have sex unless you initiate it? Some guys get turned-on by a more aggressive female sex-partner. Some guys also have their own issues about penis-size or performance-anxiety; so they feel better if you heat them up and initiate love-making. It would be totally different if he rejected you when you initiated sex.

Maybe he has a lower sex-drive than you do. He just prefers you to be the aggressor. If you don't initiate anything, he assumes you don't want it. You insisted on friends turning lovers. Now you blame him; because you feel he has to initiate sex in order for it to happen at all?

What in the world is wrong with you??? Yet you're concerned about what's going on with your creepy neighbor?

Your misguided-concern for your neighbor, and not your husband; is a clear indication you're compulsive, if not impetuous.

You complain about a loveless...when you clearly meant "sexless-marriage." Otherwise, this is a contradiction: "I do love my husband a lot and likewise..."

Never-mind about your neighbor. He was just hoping for a quick-boink with a married-woman. You were projecting a needy vibe. Players have an acute sixth-sense for finding vulnerable-women.

It was just a ploy. A challenge to see if he could persuade this wayward-wife to be an easy-conquest? In the States, we refer to guys like him as a backdoor-Romeo. The sleazy-greasy guy who slips in the backdoor to screw your wife; while you're away, or at work. It reflects badly on the wife for being naughty. More-so on the underhanded sneaky bastard!!! You were being played. You luckily ducked a bullet!

If you feel you and your husband cannot compromise, or get intimacy-counseling with a sex-therapist; then discuss getting a divorce. Before you go out trolling for random dudes on the side.

Licensed and properly-credentialed sex-therapists do not engage in sexual-activity or touch their patients in any way. That is unethical conduct. They try to help couples overcome their problems with intimacy and sex. Unless you really have no sexual-attraction for your husband whatsoever; and the marriage was basically a whim, or a sham. I assume you're both only in your 20's?

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (10 September 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntThere are no levels you cheated on your husband and it is as simple as that. Off course all he wanted from you was sex. If he wanted a relationship he would find someone who was not married, instead he thought he would try you as he knew you where married and figured he would try and have sex with you without the consequences. Shame on you for cheating on your husband. You say you love him but I don't think you truly do because if you did then you would never have cheated on him. You say you are not the one to initiate sex as it is not you, well maybe it is not your husband either. I think the best thing to do is be honest with your husband so he can decide if he wants to be with you or not.

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