A
female
age
13-15,
maddierose
writes:Any students out there who are in love with their teachers. This one is for you. As I am one myself...I posted this question 5 days ago. In search of an answer as to why there seems to be different advice for male and female posters on many sites about being in love with a teacher, This was roughly how it went:This is a general question really...I am in love with my teacher. I am female and he is male.But i have been on several sites looking for advice on this problem. and EVERY single time i have found a male student fancying a female teacher there seem to be loads of answers saying "go for it" "ask her out" but if it's a female student fancying a male teacher its all "stay away from him" "don't be a silly little girl this is just a crush" "oo the age difference is too large"I am seriously noticing a double standard here!Should students pursue these things or shouldn’t they? Regardless of gender. what is the actual answer. because it seems that guys get more support, and girls are frequently lectured. This doesn't seem fair.In response I had many very good answers and the points I would like to outline are..Pregnancy (mentioned by A male reader 'Danielepew').99% of sexual predators are male. (mentioned by A male reader, Jamer70).Anonymous readers normally post the kind of advice saying "go for it" so it isn't as reliable as you know not of their gender. (motioned roughly by A female reader, Dawnie)First Off.I was extremely happy to see answers from both male and female, because I wanted to see if that was where the double standard lay. It isn't. I guess it's just some people give better advice than others. The pregnancy take on the situation is one I've never thought about before, and that very much applies, a female can get pregnant and a male can not (clearly) And after evaluating all of the comments and everything i researched on the subject This is the conclusion I drew. I was thinking last night and actually the double standard might be the opposite to the way I thought.If anyone watches the news, or on the radio, I certainly do. The cases we've heard about with teachers being jailed have been predominantly female, such as Karen Ellis, now this could be due to the amount of poor advice males are given, but you hardly ever hear about male teachers, well not splashed around the news anyway.In conclusion I suppose it lies in the teacher's hands. they could totally say no! But judging by the amount of people on here claiming to have successfully pursued these relationships, they don't say no. Also the reasons I have seen for "crushing" on a teacher, the ones that don't pursue it tend to say "he's so hot" or "she's so fit" and the people who tend to pursue have more serious emotions towards the situation.Another interesting thing I found which did make me laugh a little. A young girl on here saying, "he wouldn't want to have sex with me, I love him for his personality" That really did make me chuckle, I think if people wish to be with their teachers, we should not try to advise them not to (trust me if they have made up their mind that is it) we should warn them of what this teacher will want being older and more experienced, because honestly some of these cases are so young and nieve and believe he "loves them for their personality" and that may be true but, judging by an average male, the feelings the teacher has for anyone pupil or adult female, there is going to be sex drive!! no doubt.My conclusion is (and this is only a rough theory)I don't think the people coming on here claiming to love their teachers really want advice, they know it's wrong, that’s one of the thrills about it! They want to hear that it is wrong, for some people it makes it more thrilling. I think the older generation are starting to underestimate the power of lust and desire and infatuation, it's not that easy to tell someone to "find someone their own age" anymore as it used to be. And from experience, The younger (and by younger i mean adolescent) generation know what they want and you may be surprised at what lengths they go to get it. Innocence is no more I'll tell you that for nothing!! It doesn’t matter how many male or female teachers are jailed for real on the news, students have read about relationships with teachers and seen it in programmes and in movies, and the happy ending is SO much easier to beleive than the truth.Now I am totally attracted to my teacher (I don't use the phrase in love lightly) And after writing all this down, after thinking every word of it, after hearing what people have to say and asking question after question about it and reading every other girls experience with their teacher, after obsessing over the subject, and coming to a rational conclusion that i understand fully. I STILL want him, I will STILL set out in my mind to reach the unreachable. I wrote every word of that and completely believe it too, I didn’t just say it for kicks! How? How can I still want it.And that I am afraid to say is the power of lust, love, and infatuation.Anyone who could be bothered to read the ramblings of a confused young girl on a path to whatever is coming, I hope you enjoyed reading it.Email me if you enjoyed or have any comments or questions about anything written here.Thank you Everybody and have a happy new year. =)
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crush, my teacher, sex drive Reply to this Article |
You can add your comments or thoughts to this article A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): It would be extremely biast for me to answer this question, but I am anyway.
Here come the 1 star ratings...
Students look up to teachers because they're smart. They are mature. They're possibly good looking. They've had interesting lives. All the things all people look for in a character.
But students can't do anything about it.
So their own passion is locked away in a box. And over time it doesn't go away, but expands. And continues but this box doesn't get any bigger. They develop more feelings. They can't keep it in.
Eventually this box will explode...
A mix of emotions go through their heads. Some actually do care about their teachers. They care that they're happy. They want to look after them. They want to be there.
They want to mean something to them. They want them to care and they can't get it out of their heads. Until eventually all the suffering previously is wasted on them leaving them forever...
And trust me, that hurts...
I don't believe students and teachers have the brightest of futures even if they do end up together. Things might not work out, partly do to the social image on them. How other people look on them...
Its easy to fall for your teacher, and most have at one point. Serious or not. There is no solution to it either. Teachers are just fantastic people who attract people who are growing up.
A
female
reader, DiovanLestat  + ♥, writes (4 July 2008):
 Thank you Miss Madyrose, what a beautifull and considered question. I love the way you write, you set out your case in the manner of an the sufferget's of old. Wonderfull, I'm rating your question highly and I'd love to answer your question. You asked only for students to reply, but since you have used as evidence quotes from two older men, I must assumes this debate is open and will take a shot. I'm an older female by the way.
'Danielepew' and Jamer70 are correct to point these things out. This is why their are additional dangers in a relationship between and elder male teacher and his younger female student. The advice for attraction betweey younger female/older female and older female/younger male older male/younger nmale is different because of this. The circumstances are different and thus advice is consistently applied taking all things into account.
Female reader Dawnie is right, the anonymous posters must be left out because unfortunatley some things they say are deeply suspect. I would motion anonymous readers with direct experience should be kept in.
I challenge you to show me these things in the media that you say support relationships between students and teachers. There are of course some special cases, as the one mentioned by one of our dear aunts. She had met her boyfriend before he got a job at her school, she was an adult. Even they still had to get permision to continue dating. Aside from this a student who gets too romantically involved with teacher is always wrong. For several important reasons.
A teacher is there to teach, they are paid to give students information so they can get a good job. To underage students they are "parental locus (sp?)" They are taking the place of your parent. Romantic relationships with your teacher is like incest with a parent. It just shouldn't happen. Having underage sex is illegal and can be mentally and physically damaging. (increased risk to young girls of cervical cancer) A girl in a relationship with a male teacher is at addeditional risk due to her biology.
I also challenge you to provide evidence of when people have encouraged a relationship between a young man and his teacher... (apart from some clearly idiotic anonymous posts) The only case of younger/older encouragement was a post when a younger man (overage) was approached by his mother's friend first, and he had the sense enough to know that we were having fun.
Some student's think, I have deep feelings for my teacher, so I will go after him, no matter what. They are being very selfish and have no consideration for other people, these people are just plain wrong. Teachers are not allowed to have romantic relations with students. It is forbidden. The teacher will lose their job even if (as in Heartygal's case) your are both of a mature age. If your underage whether you are a boy or girl your teacher is at risk at being placed in prision for a very long time. Those type of teachers are peadophiles. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-falling-for-your-teacher-is-never-good.html
Your teacher has a job, they are there to teach, yours as a student is to learn, a school/university/college is no place to act your feelings of "love". Many people feel that their teacher shows signs of loving them back. If that is the case then your teacher is a paedophile and should be reported to the authorities immediately. In most cases the student is a nusiance, something the teacher is used to seeing every year. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/a-student-is-in-love-with-me-how.html
The problem with male teachers is that they are more likely to paedophiles than women. But women who have sex with young boys are known, there are also cases with of women teachers seducing little young girls.
This has been interesting discussion. You can love anybody you like, you can dream about them and love them from afar. But you have no right to act on these feelings especially when your underaged and still at school. Take care of you
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A
female
reader, HeartyGal  +, writes (4 July 2008):
Firstly, I really really admire the way you write. You have honestly conveyed true maturity in your thoughts and questions. I can really relate to your situation. For me, I have also searched a lot of web sites on the internet and came to the same conclusion. Males having crushes or even having sexual relationships with their teachers have more support. Females, however, are frowned upon and yes, the main issue is pregnancy.
Most people actually feel that females have a lot more to lose than the males and though that's true, they may not have seen the matter through our perspective.
I am currently going through a similar phase. I have actually fallen for my lecturer in my Polytechnic. I do not dare to use the word Love here since I'm unsure of how much I am willing to put into it. I will not use the word crush as well because it is an understatement. I'm sure many will understand why.
Facts: I'm 19, he's 31. He's definately not married, but I have no idea if he's single or not. I'm going to graduate soon.
The hard part about this is that I have been getting mixed signals from him. For one, he's a very friendly guy and gets along well with all the students and this makes it hard for me to get a definate answer as to whether he's attracted to me as I am to him. He does silly things like playing with those soft toy key chains I have on my pencil case or just starts teasing me about my height. A close friend have remarked he treats me differently from others. But I dare not read too much into it. It might just be that he treats me like a younger sister or something.
It's tough, seeing him almost everyday and not being able to do a thing about my feelings. A friend I confided in advised me to confess, that I would burst if i continue on. But I refuse to, because A)He is a lecturer, not like some guy in class where if there is no mutual feelings, we can just leave it be. B)He would never jeopardize his career for this kind of relationship. C)There are still many things I do not know about him.
I know that this the right thing to do. But of course, I yearn to be able to just talk to him and know him better. I kind of wish he isn't my lecturer, and that the barrier is just the age gap between us. People will always think it's wrong, that this is just a silly schoolgirl crush, but have they stopped to think, if he isn't a lecturer, and I have gotten to know him through other means, it would be seen as alright?
Yes, I admit to having certain "erotic" thoughts about him. Like how it would be to curl up in bed with him, and to be able to sneak a kiss between classes, to see him in class and share a secret smile that only we two know. Perhaps this is the "kick" people get. But all in all, rational thinking still come creeping back in. It's no small matter.
All I can do now is to wait and hope that he actually does notice me, and is attracted, and willing to see more in me. I cannot do much more other than drop hints here and there, so that at least, when i graduate, there's a chance we can be together. Man, matters of the heart are the hardest to bear. But life is like that.
:-P
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A
female
reader, dreamingwithabrokenheart  +, writes (15 May 2008):
 I'm kind of shocked this was written by a 13-15 year old! This was an incredibly well-written and thought out article. You came to a lot of great conclusions. Also unlike many other people who seem to have only one opinion on the teacher-student thing, you seem to have taken all the opinions into consideration. Like you, I know that a relationship with my teacher would be completely wrong, unfair, adulterous and illegal, but for me that makes it even more exciting and I almost want it more BECAUSE of that. If he was just some random, unmarried guy I don't think he would be NEARLY as attractive to me. And many people are saying that they don't want sex or anything physical because of what it jeopardizes and the huge risk it is, but personally I think it is even more exciting because of. then again I could just be crazy..!
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A
female
reader, burningstar +, writes (28 January 2008):
 i really get you cause i don't use the word love lighty so often anymore i've seen to many bad relationships in my family based off of love and i know that it will most likely never happen but i still want my teacher too but i don't know why. i haven't been that intirested in guys my own age either, but i think it is just because they are imature and older guys are more expeirienced with the term love and they are not so imature but the teacher i love sometimes he can seem like a real jerk but he states the facts of life. i still really like his personality and he's really not bad looking for his age either. i never knew how many young girls had an attraction to their teacher's it's weird how we do but sometimes we spend more time with teacher's and coaches than with our own families. maybe that's how we develope such an attraction to them because we tend to spend more time with them.
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A
female
reader, Listen lady +, writes (9 January 2008):
You may not care what I have to say but I am going to say it anyway.
Do you think that he has any feelings for you?
I dont think that even if he did he would follow through he would know about him jepordising his carrer
If you think that he has got a feelings for you maybe you could speak to him but dont latch on if he says he does .
If you do get it together wich I dont advise make sure that you have an equal say on what you do together. If there is any thing you dont feel comftable with tell him .
Mak sure that the relationship you have is in yoour controll.
I do not think that this is a good idea to even take your ideas and feelings to the next stage anyway. Most children/teenagers do get feelings for a teacher. Theese you normally out grow when you find a boy the same age that you like and that you think you love. Then you forget about the teacher you now have someone you acctualy like and that more people would aprove of the relationship.
Ithink that you should tell your mother about theese feelings for your teacher after all shes already been through the stages of life you have. Ask her if she ever had feelings for a teacher and so on.
As you said teachers get jailed for this.
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A
female
reader, loops +, writes (6 January 2008):
Oh god no! I wasn't suggesting you were going to. Just showing it from a different perspective, as many people slate teachers in such situations I was just showing the pressure we go through as a profession to such things.
I more than understand how painful it is for a pupil in such situations, it can be very hard being in a classroom every day with someone you find attractive and is out of your reach completely, and people SHOULD have empathy for teens in that situation, I don't know of one person who has found attractive someone out of their reach, and this is worse when your a teen and you feel feelings are involved. You may look back in 10 years time and laugh at such situations but at the time, its genuinely painful and people in such situations should be treat with the sensitivity and care they deserve ( and thats coming from a teacher!)
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A
female
reader, maddierose +, writes (6 January 2008):
maddierose is verified as being by the original poster of the question Yes I agree with a lot of things you both said but woah cowboy. I'm not saying I'm going to blackmail my teacher into sleeping with me or try and ruin his career. and I know that many people who are attracted to their teachers think the same as me. but people have to start understanding that it is hard for the pupil as well, it can be very painful for them, and they don't need people telling them not to do something they weren't planning on doing. I am not specifically aiming at any particular people who answer these sorts of questions. I am simply saying. Have empathy.
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A
female
reader, loops +, writes (6 January 2008):
I AM a teacher. I am female, and I agree with you on a few things.
People will set out to try and reach the unreachable as far as relationships are determined, the bad boy, the teacher, the father of your friend, it doesn't matter there will always be someone that someone out their finds attractive that in society is deemed as "wrong" in whatever sense of the world.
Now luckily for me my students are young, we are talking under 6 years old here, but I was given the lecture as soon as I set foot into university to embark upon this profession about what happens when young people like yourself get attracted to teachers, there will be always one, and it has the potiental to ruin your career no matter which way it goes.
Personally, I would not find any of my students ( if they were a hell of a lot older) attractive, simply because I see it as "wrong". I am in a position of authority, and I see that as an abuse of my authority, and imagine I would whether I was male or female. And teachers regardless of their sex have to be reminded of that.
However, to pick up on your fact that innocence is gone. Consider this. When I started university, I was quickly ushered into joining some form of union, and the reason why became particularly obvious, both my lecturers, and the union reps gave many many stories of both teachers male and female being suspended/ attacked/ loosing their jobs over allegations from students of sexual assault or something similar. Many stories involve students making up stories about crushing teachers who ignored their advances, or worse, students threatening teachers into sleeping with them- with the threat of ruining their careers and branding them peadophiles which has the potiental to do a lot more.
I find it hard to believe that THAT many students have had sex with their teachers, I know these things do happens, but most teachers I have spoken to, and I'm at uni with a hundred student teachers, all our lecturers are ex teachers, and I am in placements in schools, will tell you exactly the same thing, particulary secondry school teachers, that they will avoid any situation where they are even alone with a pupil for fear of being accused of alsorts, and most legitimate responsible teachers will take the same stance.
I agree with you on one major thing, I think most people claiming to have crushes or love their teacher know its either wrong or nothing will come of it,some may even get a kick out of knowing its wrong- some may go further *echos of law suit city that a lecturer drummed into my head comes to mind*
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