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Should I let her get satsfaction with another?

Tagged as: Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 January 2018) 13 Answers - (Newest, 14 January 2018)
A male United States age 36-40, *yK11 writes:

I’m seriously considering giving my wife permission to cheat on me; because I love her. Let me explain...

I’m a 36yr old happily married man, married to a wonderful 30yr old woman with whom I have 3 children. We’ve been married for 5 years and everything has been great. We love each other to death, she’s very sweet, and I consider her my best friend.

There is a problem though, not necessarily a problem with her but a problem with myself. I consider myself to be on the small side of the spectrum in the penis department and thus feel inadequate for her. Our lovemaking used to be exciting and fun (at least in my opinion), and we would do it often. But as time progressed the frequency of our lovemaking began to diminished considerably. I did speak to her about this and about my insecurities with my size. She insisted that I do satisfy her, but in her response she also subtly admitted I do have a small penis, saying something like “it’s ok, even though it’s small, it’s perfect for me.” Nonetheless we did experiment with different things to spice things up a bit.

We introduced sexual toys to our bedroom and it was fun. One of the toys was a “penis sleeve”, which is a soft plastic penis shaped sleeve that goes over the penis, making it bigger and thicker. The first time I used it she was blown away. I’ve never seen her moan so loud and cum so hard. However the next time I tried using it she refused, saying she prefers “feeling” me, not plastic.

But now we’re at the point where we only have sex once every two months or so. She has no desires to have sex, and I don’t blame her. And I feel terrible, not because I’m not getting some, but because she’s in this situation because of me. I feel terrible for her because I feel she was pur in a situation where she had to make the decision to remain faithful to me while sacrificing her personal sexual gratification for ever. And I don’t want that for her. Like I said, she’s an amazing women and it’s not her fault that I’m small. I feel lucky for having a women like her as my wife who, even though I can’t satisfy her sexually, still loves me and she actually demonstrates her love by the way she treats me in a daily basis.

So based on all this, I now feel selfish and egotistic if I demand fidelity from her. I cannot in good conscience ask her to remain faithful when I cannot give her everything she deserves and needs. I completely understand and admit that it is me who is lacking in our relationship. I think it would actually be good for her if she had a little fling once in a while. I’ve searched online for articles dealing with this topic where the wife has permission to cheat and some couples say it was the best that happend to them while others say they tried it but either the wife or the husband was not comfortable with it so they stopped do that. Still others say it was the worst thing and ended up in divorce.

I love my wife and I just want her to be happy, to enjoy everything life has to offer. She would never lose my love and respect and admiration. After all, it’s not really cheating if we both agree to it, right?

Please share your thoughts, especially those who are or have been in a similar situation. Thanks

View related questions: best friend, divorce, married man, no desire

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2018):

You know what? Option number 1 isn't the death sentence you make it out to be.

Guess what? life is a compromise. You don't get to cherry pick all the best qualities- mental and physical- in a partner and have them all combined in one person. Nor do you get to go around to different people getting or picking your cherries with any quality you missed in your life partner. No, you work with the strengths and flaws of the person you chose. And that includes personality AND physicality. So no, you shouldn't tell your wife to go elsewhere.

Why is it your fault that you have a small penis when it could just as easily be turned around as 'her fault" for being "stretched out" after having multiple kids? BOTH ARE WRONG. The truth is it is NEITHER one of your faults, its just the way your bodies are and you seem to be putting a lot of blame for something that just IS, and you work with what you've both got, because that is what marriage is about. Not living in some fantasy world with huge penises and silicone.

What I am getting at is...bodies are bodies, no one's is perfect. Sure you might have a smaller penis, but do you think other guys have perfect bodies? No. And I doubt your wife has a perfect body either. And by the way how do you think lesbians satisfy each other? You don't need a big penis.

I will give you a true story. Partner 1 relationship for 5 years, penis on the smaller side. As you say there were times I couldn't really feel it, and I assume he couldn't "feel it" all the time during sex either. YET it was still the best sex of my life. Why? Because the making out was amazing, the touching and massaging was amazing, everything about the experience felt intimate and passionate. And so, the actual penetration yes it was good but whatever it lacked was made up for x1000 in every other way possible. For women penetration is not the be all and end all. Not even close. Partner 2 relationship for 3 years, larger size penis. Sex was meh, okay. Why? because the making out was sloppy, not great kissing style was a turnoff, touching/massaging was not sensual. So not very turned on during penetration, even though the penetration itself lasted longer and the penis was bigger.

I think your wife didn't want to use the penis sleeve again because she wanted to make it clear that it was a fun toy BUT ultimately she prefers feeling YOU, and that just to be exactly what it is - a toy that is fun and gives her a different kind of pleasure certainly, but at the end of the day she wants you.

I don't think the reason for your decreased sex has anything to do with your size. You have 3 very young kids. Obviously she is tired and other things are priority right now.

Perhaps you could focus on improving sex in other ways-- as my story above illustrates, overall sensuality is VERY important for the woman. Does she like the way you kiss? That IS something you can work on, practice and learn new techniques. Ask her to show you some new kissing techniques or how to touch her.

Good luck. It sounds like you have nothing to worry about, as it seems your wife has told you she only wants you. Don't overthink everything. You have to learn to accept and love your own body or life will be torture. Do not blame your body for things.

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A male reader, RyK11 United States +, writes (13 January 2018):

RyK11 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I just want to say to all thanks for the responses.

I also want to clarify, because it seems everyone got the impression that I want to tell my wife to go fuck someone else. I do not want her to go fuck someone else.

My issue is this; I’m 99% sure that she doesn’t like having sex with me. She says I do satisfy her, but I think she just doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. I mean let’s be honest, she wouldn’t be the first woman to lie to her husband about these matters. There’s been times when we’re having sex when even I don’t feel anything, so it’s more than likely she doesn’t feel anything either. On certain occasions she has began a conversation IN THE MIDDLE of us having sex. Now, maybe it’s just me thinking as a man, but my fear is that one day she might feel the urge to cheat if she’s not being sexually satisfied. And if that’s the case, then I see only three scenarios:

1. I demand and expect faithfulness as any other husband would. But that means she will remain sexually unsatisfied for ever which can lead to her being miserable, or she may cheat behind my back.

2. Divorce her so she can have the freedom to look for someone else.

3. Allow her to cheat.

I would obviously like #1, but I don’t want my wife to be miserable in the sex area. As I’ve explained, she is a wonderful woman, and all I want is her happiness. I also wouldn’t want her to cheat behind my back because that would just destroy our marriage.

#2 is obviously not an option. I don’t want to divorce her and I don’t think she want to divorce me either. Like I said, we have a great relationship outside the bedroom and I believe we’re building a great home for our children.

#3 is the only option I feel I would be willing to accept. This might sound cheesy but, if I truly cannot sexually satisfy her, I’d be willing to sacrifice myself for her to be happy in that area IF she ever decides to do such a thing. Again this is a big IF. I will not tell her to fuck someone else, I will not encourage it. This is just me thinking what if...

Do you guys think option 1 or 2 are better? Or is there a 4th or 5th option?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2018):

The thing that jumps out at me is sex once every two months-- that is REALLY infrequent. I think most tired moms could handle having sex more often than that. I wonder if you're being too high maintenance with her about sex? Maybe she just wants romance and simple sex instead of lots of questions and insecurity?

Something you should keep in mind is that people can have different views of the same thing. Perhaps you were hoping that the sleeve-thing would solve your problems and so you really focused on observing your wife's pleasure that time. However, it's possible that for her being 'real' (or some other aspect) is more important and that's why she didn't want to use the sleeve again.

The cheating idea is very risky. I wouldn't do it.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (12 January 2018):

Honeypie agony auntHoneypie,

What other option do I have? What else can I do? In other words, what would you want me to do if you were my wife?

--------------------------------

Talk to her.

Have her go for a check up and have her level checked - hormone, vitamin, thyroids - the WORKS, and don't let her say, " I feel fine". I have 3 kids and after #3 my numbers were all over the place. Issues with hormones imbalance affects not only her health, her brain and her mood. So that should be a given.

Make sure she GETS sleep. I spend the first almost 2 years after my first child getting VERY little sleep. Lack of sleep can lead to mood disorders and depression. It's no fun (for anyone). And quite honestly, EASY fixed.

Don't PRESUME that ONE "toy-induced" orgasm means she WANTS sex with another man. If my husband pulled that off with me I'd be offended to the moon and back, because it's INSULTING.

Let her get some breaks from the kiddo's - Like YCBS suggests. Some me time.

And HAVE some patience! You didn't go through (physically) the 3 pregnancies and giving birth. It's ROUGH on a body.

Find things you can do together (not talking sex here either) If you have more than one kiddo in a stroller age, get a double stroller and GET out with her and the kids. Go for walks, get her moving. Exercise is important to a person's health, both physically and mentally.

Throwing in the - Hey dear - I think you should go fuck another man, it's the WORST solution I have ever heard! Especially if you wife believes in marriage and being faithful. It will make her feel undesirable, unattractive and she will wonder what kind of MAN she is married to who will suggest this.

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A male reader, Garbo United States + , writes (12 January 2018):

Garbo agony auntI think you have imaginary sexual problems. You wrongly believe that it is your size even though she told you twice that she prefers you the way you are. She told you, point blank, “it’s ok, even though it’s small, it’s perfect for me.” and then she told you again that she prefers your size rather than the large plastic size. I’m not sure if there is an official term for this, but it is a “small penis imagination” problem which you do not cure by pawning off your wife so some other dude can have her. This is a mental problem inside your head because it, as your wife said, is absolutely not a problem when it is inside of her.

As for the real problem, you may want to find out why your wife does not seek sex. After having children lots of hormones change. Different priorities happen to matter more... None of these typical marriage issues ever get solved by pawning off your wife to a guy with a big penis. Big penis does not solve these for a woman.

Instead of dwelling on the size of your penis, dwell little more on her sexual state and how to enhance it. I am yet to find a woman who got out of a her own lack of sexual desire by suddenly encountering a guy with a big penis swinging it in her face. Sexual desire is more complicated than that, particularly among women.

I’m sure that it would have been more helpful to us aunts here to help your situation if we knew more about your wife and her health/life situation rather than the size of your penis.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2018):

Honestly man. This is very depressing to read from a male perspective. There is nothing more unattractive in a man than a lack of belief in himself. You are emasculating yourself. So you're not big down there. Big deal. Do you know how women get off during penetrative sex? They are the minority. Use foreplay, your fingers and your lips. There are tons of ways to be a good lover and you are concentrating on only one aspect of it. Call me old fashioned but a marriage without sexual exclusivity is meaningless. She is the mother of your children! The problem is with you not her. If you want her to have a sex life that you think you can't provide then ask her for a divorce. What you are suggesting right now,I find sickening. Please also think about your children,what kind of a message does it send to them? You will give them the wrong impression about what a marriage is and they will grow up confused and may not treat it as the serious commitment that it is.

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (11 January 2018):

If you want to indulge your cuckhold fantasies you do not need our permission. You just need to get your wife to indulge you. Good luck?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2018):

You sound like you have cuckhold fantasies that you won't admit to either us or yourself and that you are creating this elaborate scenario and situation with your wife in order to bring them to reality

I suggest you stop very quickly . Nothing will make you lose your wife quicker than suggesting to her that you are ok with sharing her with another man . So if you truly want to keep your wife and love her like yoh say then perhaps be honest about your fantasies and explore them TOGETHER through some ethical porn that focuses on not exploiting women and engaging couples in exploring their fantasies

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A male reader, RyK11 United States +, writes (11 January 2018):

RyK11 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hello SillyGirl123,

I have asked her why she doesn’t want to have sex as often as before and all she says is “I don’t know”. But you’re right, maybe it’s just that she's tired and busy all the time. Then other responder had abgood idea, to let her have more “me” time away from the kids more often. What else can I do in your opinion?

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A male reader, RyK11 United States +, writes (11 January 2018):

RyK11 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for the response, a harsh but sincere response.

Of course I want her to feel loved, desired, beautiful, respected, etc, and of course I understand the world doesn’t revolve around me or my penis. In fact, that’s the reason I don’t get upset every time she refuses to have sex. Any other husband would get upset and annoyed if his wife refused to be intimate, and would probably already be thinking of cheating, but because I understand the world doesn’t revolve around me, I know there must be an underlying reason why this is happening. And maybe it’s just me thinking like a man but the only reason I can think of is that I don’t satisfy her. I mean we’ve tried pretty much everything there is to try. Like I said in my original post, we’ve tried games, positions, toys etc, and in the process I’ve learned new tricks with my hands and tongue that she seems to enjoy, and although it’s seems fun at the moment, we end up going back to the same routine.

And of course I will continue to be a great husband. Outside the bedroom we have a wonderful relationship. I’m always complimenting her, reminding her how beautiful she is (because she really is). My wife’s a hot woman, she has a nice round butt that looks awesome when she wears tight pants or dresses, and I never hesitate to let her know how good she looks. And I’ll admit, she does seem happy and very much in love with me. She has never even hinted that she wants to cheat and there’s absolutely nothing in her conduct that could make me doubt her fidelity. And yet, there’s no action in our bedroom, and my question is, why? What else can I do? I’ve asked her straight and simple why she doesn’t want to have sex as often as before and all she says is “I don’t know.” When I ask her if it’s because I don’t satisfy her she insists that I do (which I doubt she’d admit it if I didn’t). I think you’ll agree that sexual pleasure is a very important aspect of marriage, and so if I’m not providing that important aspect, the last thing I want is for her to one day decide to go behind my back and cheat.

So my idea of giving her permission to cheat is not to go up to her and tell her out of the blue “hey my love, I want you to go out and fuck someone,” but rather to hint to her in a subtl way that I “would” be ok IF (and thats a big IF) she ever decides to have a fling just for sexual pleasure.

Honeypie,

What other option do I have? What else can I do? In other words, what would you want me to do if you were my wife?

Youcannotbeserious,

Thanks for your advise. We do try to have some “us” time away from the kids, but now that you mention it, I realize she hardly has any “me” time. Maybe I should suggest she spend more time alone or with her girlfriends more often without the kids.

Again, thanks to both for your responses.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (11 January 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntSTOP! STOP! STOP!

I wouldn't mind betting, if we were to get your wife' side of the story, we would hear that the sex has decreased because (a) she has THREE children to look after so is tired, and (b) because she is just a tad fed up of your insecurities about your penis size and of having to reassure you all the time.

The only part of a woman's vagina that has sensitive nerve endings is the first couple of inches or so. An enormous penis is NOT what makes sex good. In fact, it can quite often be painful or, at the very least, uncomfortable. Technique and imagination are far more important than a big appendage. And she has already told you your penis is perfect for her. What part of that sounded like she was saying it was too small? Your main problem is not your penis size but your insecurity.

There are other ways of having sex than penetration. You can use your hands or your mouth. Also you can try different positions, or role playing to add spice. Introducing another man into your relationship is just not necessary and could spell the end of your marriage. Also, I wouldn't mind betting that your wife would be horrified at the suggestion. She loves YOU, not some random guy with a huge ding dong.

My advice, such as it is, would be to, firstly, make sure she has some "me" time so that she feels like a woman and a lover, not just a full time mum. After that, make some "us" time and use your imagination to make sex exciting again. Try new things. Ask her what SHE would like to try. Above all, do NOT think about pimping her out to another bloke so YOU can feel better about yourself - because it will not work that way.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 January 2018):

Honeypie agony auntHas she ASKED to have sex with another man?

Has she ASKED to be with a man with a bigger dick?

No. She is with you because she loves you, small dick and all. It's NOT the size of a man's dick that makes a woman want to BE with him.

What you are doing is make her feel unwanted. While you make it SOUND like it's all about you wanting her pleasure, it really isn't. It's about you feeling sorry for yourself because you have a smaller dick.

The size of your DICK is not the be all and end all. There are MANY other ways a man can please his partner than with his dick.

Big dick is NOT synonymous with great sex.

I bet you, you can find ways to get her rocks off without adding a sleeve (which yes, she enjoyed but she also TOLD you that she prefers YOUR dick over a plastic one - so LISTEN to what she is saying).

There are a TON of vibrators (used mostly EXTERNAL in the clitoris area) that can give love making that extra oooumph.

YOU are the reason you have less sex. YOU and your insecurities. You are making your wife feel inadequate because YOU feel inadequate. Your job as a husband is to make her feel WANTED, DESIRED, BEAUTIFUL, USEFUL, TRUSTED, RESPECTED and LOVED. What do you do? YOU want to tell her to FUCK other men!

You are not listening to her at all. She has TOLD you that she is HAPPY (sexually and otherwise) with YOU. Regardless of the dick size.

IF your wife WANTED a big dick - she would BE with a guy with a BIG dick! Is that so hard to understand?

Pull yourself together man, and BE a good husband! The world really doesn't revolve around your penis!

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A female reader, SillyGirl123 United Kingdom +, writes (11 January 2018):

SillyGirl123 agony auntHave you ever considered that she is a tired mother of three? Probably has a busy life and is just not that interested in having sex. The longer you are together, the less sex that you have. Before offering her a 'get out of jail free' card, actually ask her if she's even that interested in sex at this stage of her life. You may be surprised - she may actually feel relieved that she doesn't have to have sex all the time.

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