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My wife and I are going to have to go the IVF route and the fog just won't lift

Tagged as: Health, Marriage problems, Pregnancy<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 May 2018) 4 Answers - (Newest, 14 May 2018)
A male United States age 22-25, *andyman01928 writes:

So we had our follow up at the fertility clinic Monday. We are going to have to come up with roughly $40,000 for IVF and medications. They talk to us as if we have the money under our mattress, expecting to start right away. Yeah..... no.

2 clinics and a surgery later, all arrows point to IVF for us. Every couple experience the financial freak out due to pregnancy, thinking the cost of DR visits, insurance, diapers, formula, babysitters, etc. Only a select few get to freak out about the costs before conception, let alone the costs after birth takes place.

Since I found out that my count was next to nothing, I have been hard on myself. I have felt that I have failed my wife. Maybe I should have had myself checked before marriage. Maybe I should have been tested by the hospital when I received that letter when I was 18 about possible repercussions due to the troubles from my delivery. That was a long time ago in a very bad time in my life where having kids was the furthest thing on my mind. Yet day in and day out, I remained positive and reassured my wife we will figure it out.

So Monday happened. Basically my 1-2 sperm per high power is now 300,000 low power, suitable for IVF. I guess healing for a year combined with losing 65 lbs and taking some medicines to promote health have somewhat paid off. The DR believes my wife will be able to get pregnant the first try, as long as her eggs are ok and her body doesn't reject, some things we can't tell until the harvest and the procedure. My wife sends a text implied to her mother to me by mistake. It says "Well if I was part of the problem before, I'm not now. It's all him..." I knew it wasn't intended for me, and I couldn't believe my eyes that this is how my wife not only feels, but is referring to OUR situation. It's been a quiet awkward week, and heavy on my mind.

So last night we had a talk. Not only did I remind her that the problem is ours, not mine, but we still don't know the status of her eggs and uterus. Things we won't know until we shed out the money and go through with the procedure. I told her how much this bothers me from before I got this accidental text, but to see that this is how she refers to me and our situation is extremely hurtful. I continue to go into the financials. I explained how we need to wait until some hard inquiries are lifted from our credit report and we pay down a few cards to optimize our credit rating before we can apply for a mortgage on our home, using equity to cover closing costs along with down percentage. Currently we have a private mortgage, which the holder has offered to loan us the money for IVF on affordable terms but we must first remortgage the home and pay them off.

Next I put it all in perspective. Pay down cards, get our scores in the good zone while getting the house to the point it is a show property for the bank appraisers, applying for loans, taking on a higher mortgage payment, taking on hundreds more a month for health insurance once baby is born, plus DR visits, daycare, IVF loan, and all other expenses, can we afford this? What are we going to sacrifice to make this happen? Most of all, do you really think any of this is attainable in 30 days? I know it's not.

I've been sleeping downstairs on my recliner. My chest is heavy, my mind is blank. My work is being effected, memory is lost. I even forgot to take the dog to the vet Wednesday for his nail trim. I'm hurt and totally pressed for time and money. I just wish the fog would lift so I can think clearly again.

View related questions: money, sperm, text

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (14 May 2018):

Honeypie agony auntOne day at the time, OP

Chin up and I wish you and your wife good luck!

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A male reader, Handyman01928 United States +, writes (14 May 2018):

Handyman01928 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Well for some reason I can't figure out how to fix my age, I'm 33, wife is 36, married 6 years, homeowners 5 years. The IVF is $28,000, as many tries as we want. Also refundable if we don't conceive and decide to give up. The medications start at $3500 which insurance doesn't cover. I tend to over price it at $40,000 because I dont want to take out less and be stuck half way searching for funds. I'd rather have extra in the account than not enough to continue.

Now I had a talk with our family that has been helping us. They changed their tune, saying that they would rather us go forward now than wait for a mortgage so we can stay in the one we have and they will help with the IVF payments, but we will have to take the loan. They told me not to worry about the money. My wife and I have been working out our differences and she is sorry for what she said.

I also confided in a friend and she has been a big help. The fog is lifting slowly, hoping this week will be a better one. Taking things day by day now.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2018):

Look, I know how you feel. Actually I do, my boyfriend and I have been trying for over a year, and have to see the clinic in a few days. I've gone over the costs and the alternatives. I've done the entire mourning thing. It's taking a toll on our relationship too. I think the best way to describe it is that what was originally the most amazing things ever: trying for a baby together, got turned into something so depressing and sad and filled with worries. Something that used to be fun: sex, is now becoming a dread. You've probably been doing the same as us for the months prior to finding out your sperm count was low: mechanical sex. Where you just go have sex for the sole purpose of getting pregnant, after careful planning and timing to hit ovulation. Now where's the fun in that?

My advice to you: accept that you've hit a mountain of a crisis in your relationship. I believe every couple hits a mountain or ten during their marriage/relationship. Its part of it. Things can't always be sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes it's crap. Doesnt mean you did something wrong, or that your relationship is a failure. But of course these thoughts will cross your mind. I get them too. I find myself frequantly thinking that we should have never tried for a baby to begin with, then we wouldn't know it would be a problem and we wouldn't feel this way at all. We could just be ignorantly happy.

To get rid of that fog, I need you to tell yourself this: You are YOUNG. 22-25 years old. If your wife is the same age group, you can WAIT. You CAN take the time to save up the money. You HAVE TIME. Me and my boyfriend are 32-38. We don't have that much time and I feel the pressure. But you have time!!!

To lift the fog, I advice you to keep in mind the time aspect. Things aren't going to become critical until she hits that 30-something mark. So do the math, draw up the savings plan. Find a way in which YOU feel comfortable with the financial situation. Figure out how long time that will take. Set yourself that goal. Then have a chat with her, show her the plan, and tell her to think about it for a week BEFORE saying what she thinks of it. Ask her to make the adjustments she wants, or make an alternative plan. Perhaps she can pick up exra shifts at work or get a second job, if she wants to speed things up. But she needs to make her own plan and then present it to you. Then, when you've both revised each others plans, have a talk about it. Compromise where you can. Make a plan together.

The fog will eventually lift. Until then, stay on the recliner if it helps keep the peace. It wont kill you or hurt the marriage if you sleep there. Maybe buy a matress if you aren't comfortable in the recliner. Things are shitty right now, but that's ok. Sometimes they need to be. We're only human after all, of course we're going to react to it when life throws these situations at us. I can't think of any couple who wouldn't be thrown off by this situation.

Fingers crossed.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (13 May 2018):

Honeypie agony aunt$40,000 is a LOT of money. No wonder you are stressed. It seems WAY too high if you ask me. Unless that is for SEVERAL cycles. And I am not sure I'd pay for 3-4 cycles up front if they presume only one is needed.

I know it's been a while but we had friends go through this about 5 years ago and it was $12,000. Though it might vary from State to state. (that is for 1 cycle though)

I would DEFINITELY look into the options that are out there. And prices. While I wouldn't go for a too cheap IVF clinic either I WOULD shop around.

All right that was the financial side of it.

The text she miss-sent to you instead of her mother, shows HER frustration more than her being disrespectful. Attacking HER fertility is not helpful. And I get that YOU too were frustrated and felt "called out" by her.

However ARGUING over this is moot.

I would suggest YOU keep working on your health and start making a budget with how much you can set aside each month. To either pay for the IVF or pay down the various cards.

As for you not checking your sperm count BEFORE getting married, I don't think you can beat yourself up for that. Most people don't presume they are "low" on the fertility scale.

Another option is to consider a sperm donor.

YOU TWO need to WORK together on this. So accept that she is AS upset as you that it hasn't happened yet. Falling apart is not an option, OK? SUPPORT each other.

Also, consider adding exercise. It can help with the stress and it can also improve sperm count.

Chin up!

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