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My married lover went back to his wife. How do I get over this?

Tagged as: Cheating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (7 July 2012) 22 Answers - (Newest, 8 July 2012)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

The man I have bieng seeing has decided to go back to his wife. I know I have got my just desserts, but how do I get over this pain? Im so depressed.

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A female reader, PrettyGreenEyes83 Ireland +, writes (8 July 2012):

PrettyGreenEyes83 agony aunthey there, please take time and do things you like to do while trying to get over him. I have a similar situation myself and I wad told to ''grow up'' by several members of this community. Annoying. I'm not gonna tell you the same because I have a heart. I know love can strike anywhere and it can be hard to get over. Take care and look after yourself.

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (8 July 2012):

Fatherly Advice agony auntI see that I'm hurting , not helping. I agree that strong friendship is what you need. You are already moving in the right direction.

FA

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A male reader, Cerberus Ireland + , writes (8 July 2012):

Cerberus agony auntHere's some tips for dealing with a break up:

1. No contact, ever again. Simple if you don't see them your emotions can run wild.

2. Get rid of every single reminder of them, every gift, every photo etc. If you want some keep sakes, keep them in a box out of reach.

3. Don't listen to the music you listened to together or any other stuff that reminds you of that time. Grab some new music etc.

4. Get busy, do things, go back doing your hobbies or go volunteer somehwere, you need something to fill your time.

5. Friends, start spending more time with them and having fun.

6. Talk, talk to people about how you feel, do it over and over until you start feel better.

7. Don't fight the thoughts of him, every little detail will be running around your head over and over, every scenario and every possibility will play out and it will try and find ways in which you could have acted differently and made it work. Let that play out, don't fight that, that's our brians way of coming to terms with it and it is the fastest way of allowing that to happen.

8. Don't try and escape the pain using alcohol, drugs or any other addiction, be a woman and let your mind with it.

9. This is the most important one, time. You will heal and you will get over it, just be patient and take care of the basics. Brush your teeth, eat well, get plenty of exercise don't let yourself get into a slump.

Do all this and you'll be fine, but promise yourself you 'll take better care of yourself when it comes to risk factors OP. Guys how are spoken for are the biggest risk a guy can ever be, he's a lying cheat from the start. You know? Would you normally date a liar? Is that something you would find acceptable in a partner? Then don't let it happen again.

As for this "it slowly" happened thing, that's even worse because you had plenty of time to realize you shouldn't be getting that friendly and involved with a married man. Don't even befriend men like that anymore OP. Learn your mistakes and don't repeat them or this is what you will get next time to.

So be good to yourself, don't take such massive risks again.

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A female reader, BondGirl72 United States +, writes (8 July 2012):

BondGirl72 agony auntI think people who have never been in the situation do not know that every situation is different. I agree that many people do go out for a risky thrill seeking adventure, but that was not my situation. I also like the comment "stay away from men who are married" because I didn't even like my guy until we were put together on an assignment at work. In fact, I was repulsed by him. Had no interest in him whatsoever because I don't go after married men and didn't "go after" this one either. It wasn't intentional. So, I completely understand the no thrill, no risk taking, and I don't really understand the "serial cheater" comment as that is not me. Sorry, but not everyone and every situation is the same.

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A female reader, BondGirl72 United States +, writes (8 July 2012):

BondGirl72 agony auntThat is what I miss the most, too. We worked together and were friends. We had a lot of fun, no sex, and talked everyday. I could tell him anything. I wasn't lonely and I wasn't miserable as most people would have you think. I was just living my life like normal and met this great man. We got closer over time and really enjoyed each other's company. So, I know how you feel, but you will make it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thankyou for your answers im not proud of what I did. You know what i miss the most NOT ANY KIND OF THRILL, but his friendship as a person thats what i miss. I got to know him as a friend first and it wasnt some kind of illicit affair sneaking off into sordid hotels that rented rooms by the hour, it happened very slowly without either of us realising.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2012):

I really feel for you. I am seeing a man, he isn't married but has a partner. It's gone on for 3 years. It wasn't serious to begin with but in the last year, he has talked of being with me and leaving her.

He keeps telling me he wants to leave her this isn't the life he wants and he wants to be with me. I will need to wait and see. People often say 'they never leave their wifes/partners.

I'm sorry for the pain and what you are going through. I don't think you are getting your just desserts either. You fell in love with someone, it's not a crime. Everyone will say you deserved better etc but when you only want him, that is very difficult to hear from others.

I hope that you in time, you things will get easier for you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2012):

I wholeheartedly second Fatherly Advice: he hit it on the head! Next time seek less thrill, less illicit and really really think before you take another womans husband. OP yes currently you are feeling the heat because the end of your affair with this married man means that you have to reevaluate your moral ethics, and re evaluate what exactly you will look for in a man.

Look OP, any breakup is bad and makes you want to hide away. A breakup with a MM is sometimes harder because well, it shouldnt have taken place in any event. Having said this, one day at a time. Learn from your mistakes and make a promise to yourself to ask for a divorce decree or a death certificate (of spouse) before getting involved again.

Lets look at the bright side: now you know what a piece of sh1t your married lover turned out to be. Just as he lied to you about his wife initially he will now be lieing to her about you. It shows you that MM have their own agenda and its all about themselves.

Fatherly advice: as per always good sound advice. Made our OP a bit uncomfortable but at least you are honest.

LoveGirl

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (7 July 2012):

Honeypie agony auntTreat it as any other break up but in the future stay away from men, who are married.

Think of it this way, he could have left the wife for you, and then consequently cheated on you with someone else.

You chose a man with less the stellar morals, it happens. You chose to be the "OW" and it got you to this point.

All you can really do now is to mourn the relationship and then move forward. Stop assuming all the "blame" in this. It takes 2 to tango.

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A female reader, AuntyEm United Kingdom + , writes (7 July 2012):

AuntyEm agony auntI don't think there is much point beating yourself up over it and the pain is the same as any other break up...and we all know how consuming it can be.

Time will help and for the here and now, just be nice to yourself and treat yourself with gentleness. No contact is good and friends who will listen and get you out can be a boon. Keep busy, cry if you have to, feel the emotions and know that it was probably a good thing that it ended because you could have been waiting forever.

Life still holds surprises and now you are free to love again.

Hugs

AE xx

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2012):

The pain of a lost relationship is hard to deal with, especially in the early days. I wouldn't dwell on why he has gone back to his wife although thoughts will churn through your head. Basically you have to dig deep and find your self esteem and dignity - something has ended, but you will get over it and you will be happy again in time. And don't see or contact the guy again. He has made his choice and that's that.

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (7 July 2012):

Fatherly Advice agony auntDear Bond Girl,

I actually agree with you a lot on this, and your post was very complete, describing the problem and the helpful ways to deal with it.

I know that the goal is most often not the thrill in the first place. But, it is the thrill that is addictive. It is the thrill that makes serial cheaters.

The thrill is a drug that addicts, and changes your perception of the world. You come to truly believe that this impossible relationship will work.

That is why I encourage our OP to seek a more stable less exiting relationship next.

FA

BTW love,and recognize, your avatar.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2012):

Find a hobby, do things to keep your mind occupied so you don't find yourself thinking over and over about what has happened.

Rid yourself of anything that reminds you of him.

Cry a lot! As crying releases the pain and emotions, with each time you cry, a little bit more of the hurt goes away until eventually your heart is cleansed.

And don't fall victim to other peoples infidelity in future because you know how it can all go wrong and how bad it feels.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2012):

I have two friends who were seeing married men. Both men left their wives.

One went back to my friend,they had a baby together seemed happy, then he went back to his wife and stayed. Friend was destroyed but eventually realised he wasn't worth the heartache. Now with somebody had another baby too

The other man stayed with his wife for good. This friend was in a mess for months,stalked him,at work,home,everywhere,rang his wife several times. She is now happy with a new man and cant believe how she reacted.Both friends regret they had an affair

Life goes on.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Yes fatherly advice i dont go around running off with every married man i see, and I dont intend to do it again, as bond girl said we dont go into these relationships witha home wrecking mentality. And it was far from thrilling and risky it was filled with misery and pain and waiting and hoping. I just wants some tips on how to move on

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A female reader, SaraB United Kingdom +, writes (7 July 2012):

I don't see this as being "just desserts" - that implies some kind of divine punishment for something that (lets be honest here) happens all the time.

Being left when one still loves the leaver ALWAYS hurts. If the leaver made promises they didn't keep then it hurts even more regardless of their marital status.

You also have the cultural guilt of being 'the other woman' - often more vilified than the man doing the actual cheating - which means you may not be able to openly express your distress (hence coming here).

You didn't do anything wrong in my opinion; sure you could have been strong and denied your feelings, yada yada, but in the end it was your ex's problem not yours.

Don't feel so guilty, take time to heal and enjoy te wisdom the experience grants you. We all get hurt regardless of whether they are married or not and (in my recent experience) it doesn't matter whether they are married or not - when one's lover leaves it is horrendously painful. x

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A female reader, BondGirl72 United States +, writes (7 July 2012):

BondGirl72 agony auntI hate to disagree with Fatherly Advice, but a lot of people who have affairs are not thinking what they are doing is a "thrilling, risky new relationship". They are thinking they found someone genuine and caring who just happens to be trapped in a bad relationship. Naive thinking, I know. However, not all people in emotional or physical affairs go into it with a "home-wrecking" mentality. Not all go into wanting an affair. Many go into it just wanting a friendship and then it develops into more.

With that being said, I know you are depressed but you must look at this in a realistic way. I was in an emotional affair with my best friend. I never intended for it to happen, but we continued to get closer and closer and I finally realized that is what we were doing...having an emotional affair. He realized it too, so we had a long talk and broke it off. It was devastating for me. The things that have helped me the most are being with family and friends, doing things I enjoy, exercise, etc. You must realize what the affair was and that it could not go forever. There is a special place in your life for this man, but it could not have worked because he was married. You must blend the reality of the situation with the fantasy you created. This will help get your thinking to be a little more disciplined and help you realize that while this was a special time for you and him, you were hurting yourselves and others in the process. It will take awhile to grieve, and you will question yourself as to why you ever got involved with this man. That is a good thing. Take the time to grieve, but also get out and try to do things with others. That will help.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (7 July 2012):

chigirl agony auntI think you're experiencing a break-up, and the following pain of a break-up. These feelings pass, and every day they grow a little weaker. But right now, when it just recently happened, you're grieving the loss of a lover. It's natural to feel hurt when someone you wanted near you decides to not want to be near you any longer.

You're allowed to have your feelings hurt, even if he was a married man and you the mistress. Being a mistress doesn't mean you are emotionally cold. Allow yourself to grieve the loss, like you have after every other break-up you've ever experienced.

And then, there's the age old saying that is so cliche, but so true: there are other fish in the sea!

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (7 July 2012):

Fatherly Advice agony auntThe most difficult thing that you should do, is to not fall into another thrilling, risky new relationship. Breaking the cycle is only way to long term happiness. As to pain relief, many find they can forget their pain when they are giving service to others.

FA

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A female reader, sweetiebabes Philippines +, writes (7 July 2012):

sweetiebabes agony auntYou can get over it. You wouldn't like the pain and depression do you? So think of something that would break off your depressive state and pain. What new emotions do you want to have now, and I mean now?

You may start telling yourself " I don't want to feel depress and hurt, I don't want to dwell on this negative emotions, I have to move now and make some changes on what is best for me, I want to make changes and will not allow my depression and pain beat me up...Just do something that would break off what you are feeling and thinking. Control your emotions.

If you are really decided and want to make changes you can control your feelings and thoughts. Learn from your mistakes and make a change.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2012):

"but how do I get over this pain? Im so depressed."

Give yourself time and learn from your experience. Also, I suggest you seek counselling to try and understand the factors that motivated and influenced your behavior in getting yourself involved in a situation for which there was no possible good outcome so you can learn to avoid repeating the same mistake.

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A female reader, blonde30s United Kingdom + , writes (7 July 2012):

blonde30s agony auntyou were seeing a married man so you were going to get hurt as most of them dont seem to leave their wife. you are just going to have to move on now and dont have anymore contact with him or see him again as this makes it harder and just go out with your friends and keep busy to help take your mind off him. it will take time but you will find as time goes by it wont hurt so much anymore and ask yourself if he can cheat on his wife then what sort of man does that make him.

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