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Is he wasting my time? Am I kidding myself, for considering that one day he may want to get married?

Tagged as: Dating, Friends, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 March 2016) 19 Answers - (Newest, 3 April 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I have been with my boyfriend (hate that word at my age) for almost 2 years, he moved in with me a little over a year ago.

A while back we had a conversation about commitment type things and he said he had a four year rule, that he wouldn't know if someone was marriage material until that point.

That statement struck me as odd, to put such a specific time frame on something like that but I left it at that.

We attended his friends wedding after a year together and we both got drunk at the party, another couple asked us when we would be tying the not to which he replied 'never'.

I took him to a private area and told him that as I wanted a relationship that was going somewhere that I think it best he moves out when we get home and call it a day.

He then proceeded to tell me he did want to be married one day but just not yet, his previous relationships of 4 years and 8 years had not gone well and he was cautious as a result.

I accepted this and we carried on.

Recently I brought the subject up again as we are approaching 2 years together, following a conversation I'd had with a co-worker.

This time I get a very different response, he now says he never wants to get married and claims he doesn't remember the chat at his friends wedding but that he was lying to me to stop me causing a fuss there.

I said if you love someone it is the next logical step, I said I can only conclude his reluctance is so he can keep his options open.

The discussion then got heated as I accused him of leading me on and that he should of been honest from the start so I could of walked away the before falling in love.

He then started getting defensive and then all sorts of things were said - it went from him saying I don't love you but I thought I did once, to I think I love you to him telling me he does love me.

I was pushing for answers to so many questions and to most he would say he didn't know, which was so frustrating.

I will admit I was in absolute floods of uncontrollable tears at this point and he clearly didn't know what to do or say.

He then said he would leave there and then if I wanted, to which I responded if that is what he wants then do it.

I asked him if that is what he really wants and he said not really. I told him I love him and he asked for us to cuddle. I sobbed my heart out on his chest whilst my heart was breaking.

So in conclusion I am not really ready to let him go but at 43 am I kidding myself. I have never been married and it is a commitment that I want to experience in my life. Is he wasting my time?

View related questions: co-worker, drunk, I love you, moved in, wedding

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2016):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

That's all fine and dandy, I came here to get opinions on what I was going though with a partner, I am grateful to those responders who looked at my question and told me honestly without Judgement and with tact that I was with the wrong person. Which made me decide what I needed to do for the best.

I have decided close my heart and to stay single following too many bad experiences, this is my decision and opinion. I am content to be the spinster lady across the street. This is for the best for ME.

The original question now has resolution and therefore requires no further responses or opinions.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (2 April 2016):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntOP: Nobody needs to chide you for how you feel about this incident.... so, please, try to be a little more accommodating to the comments you've received.

On the other hand.... you are JUST 44 (Y.O.).. a veritable baby, relative to how long you are likely to remain on this Earth... Take heart.... there are OOOOOODDDDLES of people who are as old as - or older than - you. Don't EVER give up on making your life as much (or, as little) as you want it to be.....

I am an old "dubbah" at age 65... and, 4-1/2 years ago, I met THE MOST DELIGHTFUL woman, on "Match dot com"... and we have had the greatest time together..... and can - predictably - expect to have a LOT of such great time together, in the future.

YOU'RE NOT YET DEAD!!!! And, until you ARE (dead) live your life to its fullest. OK?????

Good luck...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2016):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I appreciate those people who confirmed what I expected. However tactless rudeness is uncalled for. It is my choice Aunt honesty so how about you leave me to do as I wish ? If I want to feel sorry for myself I have every right to, however you are mistaking my words to mean this.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (1 April 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntI honestly think you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. If you want to die alone, then that is okay, that is your choice. But don't make it sound like you have no choices, there is no point wallowing in self pity, you will only become a lonely bitter person. Not all men are the same, and some do actually want to settle down, maybe you are meeting the wrong type.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2016):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for that but I will be 44 this year and I would need to take a year to heal from this, putting me at 45 to try to meet someone, which from experience takes months and months. My looks are fading, things are going south, so all these factors dramatically reduces my chances of ever finding someone who actually wants to marry me.

In conclusion I just don't have time to go through all this again now I am past my best.

This is my 4th failed relationship in 10 years, they have all gone pretty much the same way, so clearly there is something wrong with me which makes me not marriage material and I'm the one left with the broken heart each time. I give my all and expect that it will end in commitment but it never has.

Unfortunately if you have the 'where is this going talk' too soon it scares them away because it makes you look desperate and if you wait too long to have it you end up like me - it's a no win situation.

Men will just tell you what they think you want to hear anyway, it's all game playing and I'm too old for games now.

I am not willing to waste any more time this way and will protect my heart by staying alone, it's the only way I can be sure I won't get strung along or hurt.

So once again thanks to all for your advice I guess it confirmed what I knew inside. Some people just never find love and so that was the fate dealt to me.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (31 March 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntThe thing with your ex is that he does not believe in marriage, and yes he should have been honest with you from the start. I don't know what scares him, but this should have been spoke about sooner, when it was so important to you. But you should not close your heart, as many people don't get married to much later in life and that is okay, if you close off your heart now you are giving up on finding happiness.

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia + , writes (31 March 2016):

femmenoir agony auntHi,

thank you for your response.

I want to say, you are still grieving the loss of this relationship and that is very, very normal, but do not do yourself the horrible injustice, of closing your heart off to ever finding love again.

If you close your heart off permanently, you allow yourself NO chance of ever finding your truest partner and potential husband.

As the saying goes, "if you don't give it a go, how could you possibly know?"

Yes, this man suffers from commitment phobia, but honestly, not all men are the same, just as not all women are the same.

Don't punish yourself, because of this man that could and would not commit.

This phobia is his issue, not yours and better to have found out now and ended it, than to be logged along for the next 2 years.

In two years, breaking up would have been ten times harder, more disappointing and painful.

He let you and your relationship with him down, but look at it this way, he is doing you a huge favour, because you can see he is not serious, so this leaves you open to moving forward and finding the right man, the man that truly deserves the wonderful and commitment ready YOU!!

I once felt as you did too, but i re-opened my heart and i found my now extraordinary husband and i could not be happier.

Please stay strong and contact me privately if/when you'd like to talk.

All the best!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2016):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks again for the further replies. I am in complete agony at the loss of this relationship, just because I now realise he was fooling me and wasting my time it does not hurt any less.

He said he believes he is no good at relationships, because he had a very similar conversation with his last gf of 4 years, she wanted marriage also.

Although I am taking every word that comes from him with a pinch of salt as he has shown himself as dishonest. I call bull.

He is clearly emotionally unavailable though I struggle to work out why.

He was happy to plod along as we were but I believe this kept the door open for him to leave when it suited. He claims you don't have to be married to be committed to someone and said he thought we would get old together.

Marriage is important to me it is a celebration and declaration of your love shared between you with your family and friends and not just a piece of paper.

I am giving up on love as stated before as I am not prepared to risk my heart ever again. I am Staying alone so no one can hurt me ever again

I adored him and was too nice and it was my downfall.

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia + , writes (31 March 2016):

femmenoir agony auntHi,

if your bf was totally, completely, committed to you and in love with you, he would have proposed to you by now and he definitely wouldn't require 4 years to make his final decision.

No man in love, would ever take this amount of time, especially when he knows that the woman he is with, is in her 40s, wants to get married and may wish to have a child.

I am not implying that you do want to have a child, however, if you do, at your current age you still could, however, if you wait too many more years, your chances at conception, are drastically minimised.

The thing is, he's a man and men are still able to conceive for a longer period of time, generally speaking.

Your bf is telling you what he knows YOU want to hear, but it's not what HE wants.

If he truly cared about YOUR feelings, YOUR life, YOUR future, he would commit to you fully, especially knowing this is what you want and this is what will make you truly happy.

When a man loves a woman totally, he will always do his very best to make her dreams come true, to make her happy, because a man in love, wants to see the woman he loves happy.

I got married very late in life, in my mid 40s and my husband and i knew very early on that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together and this for us, was an absolute certainty.

I can tell you, that marriage, when two people are truly in love, is the most wonderful commitment ever.

I never even realised how much, until i got married and i am still on a high, yet it's been some time since we got married.

The other point is that, your bf has changed his mind, regarding his level of feeling for you, numerous times and the fact that he's done this, shows that he is confused, definitely unsure about you and i doubt he'll ever be sure.

The way he behaves is almost teenage like and very wishy washy, but then again, maybe you are just not for him, not for him as his wife anyway.

I say this because if you were, he'd have told you he is serious about you and your future together and he'd have proposed to you by now for sure.

He wouldn't wish to lose you to somebody else, if he were dead serious.

You need to think about YOUR FUTURE here and don't worry about HIM, because he knows what he does and doesn't want and what he doesn't want, is to marry you and to commit to you 100%.

He may be quite happy to remain within this casual type union, because it's easier for HIM and because it places him under no obligations, no pressure whatsoever and if he one day should decide to leave you, then he can do it with greater ease and less baggage.

Your bf shouldn't have even entered into a relationship with you, if he still carrys baggage from his past, if he didn't find his complete closure, prior to starting out with you.

I would ask,

Does your bf have self-esteem issues?

Is he still carrying baggage from his past?

Did he not find complete closure, prior to dating you?

Is he simply playing you for a fool, leading you down an empty path and telling you what you want to hear?

Why is he so afraid of complete commitment with you?

Does he not care about your feelings and does he lack total respect for you?

Is he selfish?

I think you already know, all the answers to my questions.

The fact is, his past is gone and just because he had negative experiences prior, doesn't mean that he will with you, in the present, here and now.

His past is gone and he should have already dealt with that, prior to starting out again and you are his present reality and this is what matters only.

You are a different person, you are not his past, so he should treat you with the dignity and respect that you deserve.

If he cannot, if he will never marry you, then he should stop wasting your precious time and your future and tell you the truth.

You should do what is best for you and you know what that is.

I would encourage you to move on and leave yourself and your heart free again, to finding your truest connection.

Remember, you love him, but love is a two way street and if one person is always giving, yet the other won't, certainly not fully, then it will never work, ever.

Your best potential partner, is out there somewhere, but you just haven't found each other yet. You've yet to cross paths.

Good luck and let me know how you get on! :-)

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (30 March 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntI am aware that you will be feeling very down and lonely at the moment, and you feel like giving up on love. But don't let it beat you. Grieve for the relationship and then dust it off, you are not at deaths door yet, there is still a lot of life left in you to go and enjoy your life whichever way you please.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 March 2016):

Honeypie agony auntFor some marriage isn't a be–all and end–all. You have lived this long in life and not been married, yet have managed a good life, correct?

And getting married doesn't mean it will last till the end of your days.

I have known several couples who have chosen to NOT marry and some have been together for over 30 years. Doesn't get much more solid than that.

I'm not saying you should give up the dream of marriage. And I'm not saying you should stay with this guy. He DID string you along with empty promises and lies.

But DO consider when you find someone who you CAN see yourself spending the rest of your life with, that marriage isn't the great prize - the GREAT relationship is.

Chin up.

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A female reader, Abella United States +, writes (30 March 2016):

Abella agony auntLife is for living so I do hope that you will though consider some enjoyable activities and past times and hobbies to fill the next 50 years.

Up until now I guess you have just been too nice for your own good.

Now you can choose which activities you really want to try. Relax and be yourself.

But do keep enjoying life.

It must be very hard to trust again when you have been disregarded more then once. That would hurt.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2016):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for the replies. I have clearly been led on yet again and another failed relationship bites the dust. I'm too old for this game playing.

Every man I have met has been immature, emotionally unavailable and just out for his own gains, silly me because I thought this one was different.

I decided before I met him that he was going to be my last attempt at finding love, I can't do this timewasting and heartbreaking anymore so I now officially give up and will instead go to my grave alone.

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A male reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (30 March 2016):

olderthandirt agony auntThe short answer is yes he is wasting your time. If a committed relationship is what you're after he's not the one do better with a puppy than with this guy.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2016):

"Is he wasting my time?"

No. YOU are wasting your time. He's perfectly content to continue enjoying the benefits of shacking up (regular sex and free maid service with no obligation or commitment whatsoever) for as long as you're willing to provide them, which would appear to be indefinitely.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (30 March 2016):

Sageoldguy1465 agony aunt"Putting off" (decisions) is not the same a "putting out".

Putting off is guys' way of experiencing women putting out... without having to make - or stick to - any sort of comittment to a relationship.....

Armed with this critical information... the choice of what happens in your (and his) future is strictly up to you!

Good luck..

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2016):

Here is yet another illustration of why the whole idea of dating is a social evil and needs to be uprooted completely if our civilization is to be saved.

Boyfriend ? Girlfriend ? These words are meaningless. Society simply did not recognize such concepts or ideas a hundred years ago, and people got on just fine. And that's how things need to be.

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A female reader, Abella United States +, writes (30 March 2016):

Abella agony auntHe is using you and he has no intention of making a commitment to you, not now and not in the future.

If a man is serious he will make a commitment and follow through with it in the first two years.

After that if he has not made a commitment he is just making use of you.

The sad thing for you is that he may leave you and then marry another girl six months later.

But the truth is he is not marriage material for you, not now and not in the future. he may one day be marriage material for another girl.

He does not fully know what he wants but he has decided that he is not prepared to fight for you. He is not scared of losing you, otherwise he would have made a commitment by now.

However you have a higher chance of being marriage material for a genuine man who is a gentleman and who does want to settle down.

You already do know what you do want.

Let him go. Then you can go on a lovely holiday and wash that man right out of your hair. Take a fresh look at life and look around for a nice guy.

He really is not worth crying over. He is a moss-less pebble and can give you no joy in the future with his commitment phobic frame of mind.

My first husband started talking marriage after he had known me a month and I told him it was too early.

So he asked how long would he need to know me before he could raise marriage again.

I said one year so one year later he proposed. But then I wanted to be engaged for a year to be sure. So we waiting another year before we married.

My second husband talked marriage after he had known me for

a little longer but still within the first two years - but once again I wanted to wait.

So we did not date initially, we went out for lunch for a year. I wanted to see if he had staying power - turning up for lunch only. He passed with flying colours and never objected to my extreme caution.

You do not need to be accommodating - a man loves a challenge and an opportunity to convince you to see things from his point of view.

Just make sure you know what you want before things become more serious with a guy who is not shy about committing to a woman he wants to form a permanent relationship with.

Making a guy wait never turns off a genuine guy. It is the flakes who are easily discouraged by a gal who wants to settle down.

Never be too ready to be accommodating.

You have rights too. Know what you want and ask for what you want.

If you being assertive sends the guys running off then he was never serious in the first place.

Your guy is not treating you with the respect that is due to you.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 March 2016):

Honeypie agony aunt Is he wasting my time?

YES

That is the short answer.

He told you what you wanted to hear at the wedding because he didn't want drama. It wasn't a good place to HAVE such a discussion anyways. (doesn't mean he was right to lie).

He is FINE with just living and being together, you want marriage. So you two want different things.

I don't think he will marry you after 4 years either. Again it's a carrot he chose to dangle in front of you KNOWING that you were looking for marriage.

So IF marriage is WHAT you want, he isn't it.

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